Coming To Terms With Terminal Illness

6/13/19 I have a lot of questions that I doubt you’ll be able to answer It’s been half a year since we found out about your cancer I don't know why it took me so long to talk, guess I was scared That no matter how much I cried to the universe, your life would never be spared Cancer is a vicious being with no remorse for any creature It steadily grows stronger while making its host much weaker I'm amazed you adapted so quickly without a leader or a teacher But my worry grew to new heights with the rising of your fever Countless appointments with different doctors became the new norm Treatments not covered by insurance forewarned the oncoming storm Day in and day out we watched the disease take new forms And with each passing day we felt the passing of your warmth You were never one to give up but this illness is hard to combat The fight in your eyes was present even when your body was under attack We were surrounded by pink ribbons but all I could see was black We were overwhelmed with hopes and prayers but I just wanted to hear you laugh Your skin changed color with the changing of the seasons Contamination of the lungs moved to the skin and pelvic region Our family tried to be strong even when your mind started to weaken If we could we would of switched places with you for a shot at fighting your demons A rainbow of medications; chemotherapy and dialyses A common treatment becomes a test in need of further analysis No signs of remission, its toxic reach becomes more ravenous No combination of chemicals and palliative care proved miraculous It was a couple weeks before Christmas when I decided to finally visit I was told this might be my last chance, and that my presence would lift your spirits I feared seeing you in your condition would taint the image I remembered so vivid My worst fear was that I’d be there when you finally reached your mortal limit These thoughts ran in circles around me and before I knew it, we had arrived And before I could process what the doctor said, the truest fear had been underlined He said death rattled your throat and fluid flooded your insides All I could see was your closed eyes, and I knew you did not survive It’s been almost a year since we found out about your cancer I'm stuck with all these questions that I know will never be answered Sickening guilt and sadness overpowered by my anger I never thought you'd really go, I thought our love would keep you anchored I was terrified to watch you die but missed my chance to say goodbye Among the countless questions, all I can repeat is "Why?" I shout your name from my bedside in hopes you'd hear my cries But my questions remain eternal in hopes we talk when it’s my time