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6/13/19

I have a lot of questions that I doubt you’ll be able to answer
It’s been half a year since we found out about your cancer 
I don't know why it took me so long to talk, guess I was scared
That no matter how much I cried to the universe, your life would never be spared
Cancer is a vicious being with no remorse for any creature 
It steadily grows stronger while making its host much weaker 
I'm amazed you adapted so quickly without a leader or a teacher
But my worry grew to new heights with the rising of your fever 

Countless appointments with different doctors became the new norm
Treatments not covered by insurance forewarned the oncoming storm 
Day in and day out we watched the disease take new forms
And with each passing day we felt the passing of your warmth 
You were never one to give up but this illness is hard to combat
The fight in your eyes was present even when your body was under attack
We were surrounded by pink ribbons but all I could see was black
We were overwhelmed with hopes and prayers but I just wanted to hear you laugh

Your skin changed color with the changing of the seasons
Contamination of the lungs moved to the skin and pelvic region
Our family tried to be strong even when your mind started to weaken
If we could we would of switched places with you for a shot at fighting your demons 
A rainbow of medications; chemotherapy and dialyses 
A common treatment becomes a test in need of further analysis    
No signs of remission, its toxic reach becomes more ravenous 
No combination of chemicals and palliative care proved miraculous 

It was a couple weeks before Christmas when I decided to finally visit
I was told this might be my last chance, and that my presence would lift your spirits
I feared seeing you in your condition would taint the image I remembered so vivid
My worst fear was that I’d be there when you finally reached your mortal limit
These thoughts ran in circles around me and before I knew it, we had arrived
And before I could process what the doctor said, the truest fear had been underlined
He said death rattled your throat and fluid flooded your insides
All I could see was your closed eyes, and I knew you did not survive 

It’s been almost a year since we found out about your cancer
I'm stuck with all these questions that I know will never be answered
Sickening guilt and sadness overpowered by my anger
I never thought you'd really go, I thought our love would keep you anchored 
I was terrified to watch you die but missed my chance to say goodbye
Among the countless questions, all I can repeat is "Why?"
I shout your name from my bedside in hopes you'd hear my cries
But my questions remain eternal in hopes we talk when it’s my time
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