City Slickers In the Country

Old Jack is at it again, Great Grandmother says. Her voice eases through a window as we reach shoes on the porch. At least twelve pair; which is okay as she has eighteen children. A variety of second cousins wave to me through the open window. Oh man! No air conditioning! My husband whines, I shoot him that glance. There is a purse in that car, and the window is down! Teddy my youngest announces. A city raised kid, he has no idea this is how we do things in the country. I roll my eyes at his ignorance. And we get to use the outhouse probably! My husband moans. What is an outhouse? Teddy asks, His older brother Ned starts chuckling Hey! What’s that? Teddy jumps off the path and runs to the back screen door. I know he reaches it because I hear women in the kitchen oohing and ahhing over how handsome he is. The sofa is covered with cousins as we enter; same lime colored curtains from 1962. Great Grandma screams, “Watch out for the kids’ toys!” and I laugh. It is her mantra; has been all of my life. “You can set the picnic table,” she says as I enter the kitchen. I am in my forties, but she hands me silverware as if I am ten. Jack her old mule prances into view wearing a hot pink feathered boa The instant I head for the table. He has always been a believer in attention. I shake my head and pointedly ignore him. If we pay attention he will sit at the table with us while we eat. Teddy is staring at the clothes on the clothes line. “What are you looking at?” I ask him. “I never saw that before!” “Women’s panties?” “No. This stringy thing. What is it?” Of course he is staring at clothes on a clothes line. Jack leaves briefly; returns wearing a rhinestone tutu with a red fez. “Is that a cow?” Teddy asks me. Jack puts his nose up and stalks off in a homophobic huff. “He is a mule,” I inform Teddy. Ned slides out the front gate carrying fishing poles and a worm bucket. “Hey! Let’s go!” he says to Teddy. “Go where?” Teddy asks. A car door slams; my sister and and her kids.. Old Jack prances back out, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, doing a watusi. No one pays him a bit of mind. “Hey! What is that?” Susie, my niece, asks. She is standing next to me, staring at oversized waving white panties. “Who cares?” my nephew Andy says “Have you seen that crazy raccoon? "And someone left their purse in the car with the doors locked!" my sister's husband says. City slickers.