C20h25n30

There’s a throng of dark matter storms clustering at the base of my spine. C20H25N30 is encoded in the cord I decided to plug myself into when I was 15. Jami told me that I was waking up. That it would give me answers to questions that I didn’t yet know to ask. I still get confused when I relay the signals back and forth from my brain to my spirit. I become hell-bent on finding out, for sure, that’s there’s a difference between the two. I want there to be. I can’t really tell you why- Because I want to die... But, I also want there to be an Eternity. I just want to be comfortable in it. Unlike this pockmarked skin, I’ve been trying to find a way out of since I began to understand that it’s just a cage that throttles back my perception of what the Universe is, and can be. I’ve watched the rain become wind. I’ve tasted colors and heard the sound of love bouncing off smiles that were truly meant for me. I’ve held their laughter in my throat. Savored them like fresh fruit from a garden that can’t be reached by mortal hands. I’ve felt what it’s like to be inside a woman, that was inside of herself. Truly connected to the cosmos in a way that only teenage dreamers on classical psychedelics can imagine, comprehend, or even completely remember. But now that I’ve burned all the Bible pages I had left inside of me. I’m left with the darkest parts of the path to Nirvana. (With no serotonin or dopamine left to light the way.) The hard ****. The existential fear that exposes the worst parts of who you are. The kind of thing that passes through your mind, and you promise yourself that you’ll never say it out loud. It’s too damn scary. These are the words left between myself and God. Our inevitable conversation at the end of my journey. The Dark Matter (at hand). The storms at the base of my spine. The anger I’ve suppressed. The nightmares. The shame. The primal instincts that make me want to deny his existence. He’ll crack my back and let all the floodgates open. And I’ll cry. Angry, and afraid. Wondering why I got to see such beauty. Only to be left with the fear of being the reason it all fades away. -James Kelley 2017