Before I Knew You: Not a Personal Experience
Gone and flushed out my life not through the simplicity of adoption,
But through another type of passing, this was my only option,
With no financial stability I lost all capability,
To care for you, they stripped you from me through my own admissibility,
How could you know I was your mother, I never even gave you a name,
I stripped my precious "No Name" of life and put myself to shame,
No face do I have, don't look, just turn away,
I feel judged as my face perceived my thoughts in a disarray,
I hear them all talking, screaming, "Murderer, killer!"
I can't bare this type of torture they yell, "Kill her, kill her!"
The voices in my head force my hand a little more by the day,
I took the life of my own and now my heart is starting to decay,
But deep down within you try to find some inner peace,
Oh but how that can never be see how your peace became so brief,
But don't think the simple feeling of stitches will give you healing,
With a sudden sigh of relief you could never compress this feeling,
All the shame and the pain and the hurt and the lies,
Sitting there all night in the mirror while you cry,
You do the crime you pay the time is usually the story's moral,
But I got out with an easy pass, oh how my thoughts begin to quarrel,
Sickness taking hold of me, but this is different from before,
Because this sickness isn't caused from the beautiful soul I once bore,
Once more, I live a life that feels like a living hell,
Can't you tell by my outward expression all the inner pain I dwell,
Of course I have times when I sit up all night and cry,
Maybe it's because I feel a part of me within has died,
Even though the sad reality is that a part of me was killed,
So maybe I shed tears at the thought that my own blood was spilled,
Cold chill going through the inner course of my vein,
Slowly but surely it enters the course of my brain,
FREEZE! And it coerces me to deliberate,
Stuck between tears and silence I now am left here to hesitate,
I made my decision before I even knew I cared,
Paranoid, my thoughts are overruled and now they've got me ensnared,
Not ready to be responsible I had no clue what to do,
So with remorse I sent you to your demise before I knew you.
Copyright © Jamilah Myle | Year Posted 2015
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