Baby
I deleted the words before I could say them
Ate the words before I spat them out
I buried them alive
Like my heart
I left a tumor in me to encapsulate
N one day it’ll kill me
One day I’ll die
I’ll have left a legacy
One built on lies
Cuz there was this baby
There were these babies
There was one
There were two
There were only three
No there were four
three
All messed up from the shock of the blow
Of being someone even I didn’t really know
It was passive aggressive violence perpetrated on so many that I truly loved
Truly could have loved
I had the space in my heart but not the space in my life
No guts girlie
I look at myself in the mirror at night sometimes
With my make-up smeared
In my oversized tee shirt my legs n scars bare
I tell myself this is what I deserve the most messed up happily ever after
Happy for you
Like a hole in my head
Like a hole in my heart
Matches up to the hole in yours
the one u fill with who’s that girl
or
whats her face
or
the roommate
cracked
shattered
cranked
bruised
broken
you didn’t know
because I didn’t tell you
first I couldn’t think clearly enough to initiate change
could barely walk let alone walk away
you had no idea the damage that was growing in me
I have no idea what itll take for me too see that’s its time
Its been time all along
Second I was way to busy
Way to busy punishing myself
Lying to myself
Instead of being myself
Doing what I belive
Cmon girly
no guts no glory
I whisper to myself
Now
In the everesent glow of a cell phone
Decay is beauty
Skin tight
Bare bone
A little blood
Wrists easily snapped arteries easily severed hearts easily broke
There are so many bends in the road
corners and
stop signs and
park benches and
play ground and
waters edges that are memory drowned and razor blade sharp
No itll never go away
The chill
The feeling of how cold it is
In the hospital
The way operateing rooms feel
Ill never forget the look in their eyes
They almost didn’t go through with it
Just for me
It would have been a most detrimental girft wrapped in integrity
They wrap you up in gowns the kind that are not so pretty
They line you up in locker room and assign you a number before they vacume out pieces of your soul, then they question you about your scars your marks
After the fact
After its too late
Well
Its too late
Its too late for me
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