Baby

I deleted the words before I could say them Ate the words before I spat them out I buried them alive Like my heart I left a tumor in me to encapsulate N one day it’ll kill me One day I’ll die I’ll have left a legacy One built on lies Cuz there was this baby There were these babies There was one There were two There were only three No there were four three All messed up from the shock of the blow Of being someone even I didn’t really know It was passive aggressive violence perpetrated on so many that I truly loved Truly could have loved I had the space in my heart but not the space in my life No guts girlie I look at myself in the mirror at night sometimes With my make-up smeared In my oversized tee shirt my legs n scars bare I tell myself this is what I deserve the most messed up happily ever after Happy for you Like a hole in my head Like a hole in my heart Matches up to the hole in yours the one u fill with who’s that girl or whats her face or the roommate cracked shattered cranked bruised broken you didn’t know because I didn’t tell you first I couldn’t think clearly enough to initiate change could barely walk let alone walk away you had no idea the damage that was growing in me I have no idea what itll take for me too see that’s its time Its been time all along Second I was way to busy Way to busy punishing myself Lying to myself Instead of being myself Doing what I belive Cmon girly no guts no glory I whisper to myself Now In the everesent glow of a cell phone Decay is beauty Skin tight Bare bone A little blood Wrists easily snapped arteries easily severed hearts easily broke There are so many bends in the road corners and stop signs and park benches and play ground and waters edges that are memory drowned and razor blade sharp No itll never go away The chill The feeling of how cold it is In the hospital The way operateing rooms feel Ill never forget the look in their eyes They almost didn’t go through with it Just for me It would have been a most detrimental girft wrapped in integrity They wrap you up in gowns the kind that are not so pretty They line you up in locker room and assign you a number before they vacume out pieces of your soul, then they question you about your scars your marks After the fact After its too late Well Its too late Its too late for me