Around-This Time of Year

it’s that time of year again.. that time were people start to notice I need help Around this time of year I get so caught up loving you I forget to love myself My desires for tomorrow; fueled by the pain of yesterday?anhedonia has gotten the best me.. it has taken my personality away. Yet I tend to say I’m ok out loud, to remind myself thats what I should be Idiotic and delusional, For I’m not ok, I can’t be ok, and I haven’t been ok since you left me. I haven’t been okay since my innocence was snatched. I haven’t been okay since I pleaded for it back. I haven’t been okay since I lost my ability to speak! I haven’t been okay since I forgot the feeling of free. It’s killing me how you can go on and act like I was never there It’s killing me how you can go and find love elsewhere I have found peace in the poison that was forced into my veins And as I lay down, body numb, tears trickling down my cheek I find peace in the pain I’ve found peace in the flirt even tho I’ll never be able to commit the act I’ve found peace in my hurt, because I know I can’t get my innocence back around this time of year These Scratches,slight scars, burns, cuts , remind me that I can still feel. The sight of my covered scars reminds me that it will in fact heal I am in fact human; I am in fact real if I had it in me I could lift up my hands.. and rejoice maybe?? cuz I’m still here and I’m still alive strong and free! Tho I’m not dead; this isn’t my body and I’m not me. Around this time of year love is the only thing keeping me sane It’s the only thing that’s able to tame , tame the darkness, my thoughts and help me put on a happy face This darkness tho it’s my home it isn’t a place rather a feeling I’d learned to endure. This darkness swarmed around my soul, had I known the darkness was me This darkness stripped me of all my aspirations; leaving me desiring only being freed. The thoughts of the enemy have tainted my mind for. I Thought my pain was a common pain amongst the I thought my pain was a pain everyone had or will see I thought these feelings crossed every persons mind I thought we all begged to be Freed Till I talked to those with desires and hopes and realized my pain was only common to me Around this time of year I make the decision “to do” or “to not”, around this time of year I struggle to find a spot in the earths summer sun and windy winds. Around this time of year is when the pain begins.