April

Twenty one years ... what lesson was learned?
Three countries, five states, and thousands of faces,
triumphs and terrors, to be lauded and spurned,
yearning to please those I love and stay in God's graces—

then: chases, disgraces, getting lost in strange places,
seeing always the heavens through slips in the spaces. 

First I was dreaming, of the world, everything. 
Then I was steaming, a machine of success,
for failure was too frightening to see face to face. 
So strange how guilt and fear are engines, unmatched, 
in producing the highest of honors and praise. 

Love is still a fantasy I once read in books,
though my family is my stronghold, my root, and my pride. 

Creation was my delight. Was it fueled by self-oppression? 
Is there any pure desire that the wise men call higher?
Perhaps I chose struggle with a mind that the fire,
would take me to ashes and leave nothing left,
except my words, whatever those are worth. 
I once thought something of them. 
It's easy to do.
To pretend that out of billions,
you're so special, too. 

Once in my heart I believed that. 
Or at least my doubt was too deep to confuse.
Yet I found others didn't vaunt me as I did,
and I was too vain to win, and too strong, still, to lose. 

And in darkness I've stumbled some steps, let me fly!
I know there's much left to do; don't ask why.
My lesson is strange, but all mysteries are. 
The more energy given, the more we receive.
The inverse, so intuitive, I know now to deceive. 

April 13, 2017

aprilfree verse

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