AMERICAN MENTAL HEALTH AMERICAN HEARTBEATS

COPING HEALING SURVIVING MENTAL ILLNESS IN AMERICA IT DIDN'T START OFF THIS WAY GOD KNOWS I DIDN'T ASK FOR I WAS SUFFERING IN SILENCE MASKING DEPRESSIVE DISORDER MASKING PTSD TRIGGERS ANXIETY DISORDER PANIC DISORDER PANIC ATTACKS I WAS SO ASHAMED OF MY DIAGNOSIS SO I SUFFERED BEHING MAROON DRAPES WRITING POETRY KEEPING A JOURNAL BROKEN I WAS BLESSED TO HAVE A NETWORK OF SUPPORT BUT NOTHING COULD QUIET THE HEARTBEATS I CAN STILL HEAR MY FETUS HEARTBEAT WHILE WEARING WIRES PREGNANT FOR THE FBI BUYING WEAPONS AND DRUGS FROM JUNK SICK COPS WHO NEEDED ME DEAD ON YES CLAERLY I WAS DEAD THEN FROM 1984 THROUGH 1995 WIRES INSTALLED ON MY UNBORN CHILD I BELLY WOULD TREMBLE I CAN STILL FEEL HER HANDS INSTALLING THE WIRES THEY WERE COLD DISTANCE I LOOKED IN HER EYES AND I ASKED HER WERE THEY COULD TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MY HEART BEAT ANDBTHE FETUS IN THERAPY I SUFFERED FULL BLOWN PANIC ATTACK I COULDN'T BREATHE WHY DOES THIS MATTER WE SURVIVED AN YET I'M STUCK HERE FOREVER WHAT KIND OF LIFE IS THIS I CLOSE MY EYES HEARTBEATSNI SING IN CHURCH HEARTBEATS TAKE A HOT BATH HEARTBEATS FINALLY SEDATION RESTING I AWAKEN TO HEARTBEATS SO LOUD LIKE SIRENS BLARING GUILT BEING CATHOLIC I CARRY THIS GUILT I ALLOWED THE FBI TO VIOLATE MY FETUS DOES THAT MAKE SENSE I CAN NEVER EVER BE WHOLE AGAIN FILLED WITH SO MUCH MEDICATION DECADES OF MEDICATION FOR MY LIFE WOUKD SURELY END WITHOUT IT AN YET I FEEL LIKE ENDING MY LIFE STOPPING THE HEARTBEATS I ADORE MY PSCHIATRIST MY THERAPIST THEY TELL ME I'M BRAVE HOW I'M NOT BRAVE I'M BROKEN I THINK OF THE FETUS INSIDE MY WOMB EVERY TIME THE DEVICE WAS TURNED ON THE FETUS WOULD ROLL UP INTO A BALL I FELT CONTRATIONS LIKE THE FETUS WAS TRYING TO EXPELL ITSELF I HAD TO KEEP GOING FINISH THE JOB FOUR OF MY OTHER KIDS SEATED WITH THE FBI SUPERVISOR SINGING MY GIRL I TRULY BELIEVED I WAS MAKING A DIFFERENCE I NEVER DREAMED I'D BE INTIMIDATED I NEVER DREAMED JAMAICAN DEALERS WOUKD ARRIVE TO END MY LIFE PARKED IN FRONT OF MY TOWNHOME BY GOD'S GRACE GUNMEN EMERGED SAVING MY LIFE I SHOOK LIKE A LEAF MY HEART POUNDING PANIC DISORDER