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Am I Turning into a Lizard Serial Killer

Hmmm, where do I start? With deep sighs, I am sighing right now. I just finished burying 2 lizards, and my heart is heavy... Let me back up a bit...bear with me if I might turn out to be confusing here, but I just need to write this, release something, in some way Although I must admit, this is not exactly what I had in mind to write for this day, hopefully I can write something more decent later... I have been wanting to write something for my brother since yesterday, since February 26 is his 10th year death anniversary. The words remained stuck in my heart, 'til I fell asleep. Visited him again today, heard mass for him, ate a Chinese dinner with my parents and sister, went home. I now needed dessert. Got a piece of Ferrero Rocher, but just one wouldn't do. So I got a piece of Almond Roca this time and ate it while walking. All this time, I have managed to keep my tears away but maybe somehow, someway, if tears want to fall, they will find a way? I walk to that area again as I ate that piece of chocolate- when what do you know, what do you know?? Oh sighs. I stepped on a lizard. Again Yes. Almost exactly the Same area, tail falls off, and the lizard skitters away. But. I did not slip this time. But, yes, I still screamed, scaring everybody again. I. Could. Not. Simply. Believe. IT. One month and 25 days after, I step on a lizard. Again. Today, of all days. As if I needed more reason to be sadder. This time around, I had the sense to try to find that lizard. I had to know if it lived, if it was okay. I pushed away the nearby cabinet. And there it was. Rather, and there they were. The lizard that I stepped on now and the petrified remains of the lizard that I stepped on on new year's day... the other one didn't live after all :( I know it was that lizard, same area, no tail, who else could it be? Survival mechanism, no match for my killer foot. By this time, I am crying, sobbing. Seriously, the tears just start falling, and my heart so heavy. And I know it's from the combination of so many things. The day itself, what I had just done, just things running through me. What broke my heart, was to see that lizard. I was wearing rubber shoes this time, last time I was wearing slippers. And its guts had spilled from its sides. I couldn't help but keep on saying, "Oh, oh, oh lizard, I am so sorry" I touched it feebly, and it was literally gaping its mouth. I don't think I can ever forget that? Such a small creature, gasping, with its insides out, its skin on its legs and body scraped. In pain. Dying. And it was all my fault. My sister was there with me, trying to help in her own way. But yes, there's nothing you can really do...I didn't want to stress it even more, and let death finish what I did. There's so much I can glean from this, and I want to ramble on, so badly but I will try to stop myself from rambling too much. I put the two lizards, along with a note, the dates when I stepped on them (ok, killed them), and placed them carefully in a chocolate truffle box. I buried them and still feel so sorry. In some ways, this is can be so funny, and just freaky & crazy (what's new, this is me?) What were the odds??? Same place, same thing happening. And I can't help but roll my eyes at myself as well, just finding it so hard to fathom how I stepped on not just one but Two lizards in just two months. I bet that the lizards are all afraid of me now, saying how I am a lizard killer. A serial lizard killer. MO: stepping on them while screaming, maybe my screams also killed them off? I actually took photos of both lizards, I am not sure why though. Oh dear God, help me, I am acting like one, even documenting them. I tell you, as I watched that lizard die, I couldn't help but just also think of St. Jude (for the impossible) and St. Francis of Assisi (for animals). I know he was dying, but somehow, yes, prayers still comfort me. I just feel so guilty, with this happening. I still can't help but cry for those lizards, death by me, for no reason at all, no purpose served. Animals, people....death. I know it's all a part of life... but it still doesn't change the fact how death can change us and of how I am responsible for two lizard deaths. I know they were just small animals, but Still. They were living creatures. Death can change us in small ways, some in big ways, negatively or positively. It all boils down to death transforming us one way or another... I won't expound on it anymore, this is too long, but one of the ways I can think of comparing it to, is that of a chemical change, maybe of the spirit, the soul? Not merely a physical change. And we can never be the same. 022720141207123552

Copyright © | Year Posted 2014




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Date: 9/29/2014 11:27:00 AM
oh, those poor lizards - hope your 'killer foot' hasn't made any more shuffle off the mortal coil, my friend. Hope you and your family are well. Love to you all x
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Date: 3/20/2014 9:55:00 AM
Hi Nikko, My heart goes out to you always. Your brother would love the thought and heart you put into everything you do or say. I even think a part of him, does not want you to be sad for stepping and killing them Lizards. I'm going to look at the bright side of this. All Lizards Go To Heaven. Your brother thanks you for the message you are sending up with the lizards.. "He Knows you miss him." He misses you too, maybe it's him, putting them lizards in your way. I'm being cute now. I don't know the positives of death. But, we can find reasons, and believe what we want.... Sending hugs... LINDA
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Date: 3/19/2014 3:15:00 PM
Oh my dear. Today is the anniversary of my Mama's death. Sometimes we try to block out the pain and sometimes we just let it flow out....sometimes...the tinniest things trigger our pain...two little lizards! Yes....life is precious...even lizard life, but sweetie...don't feel bad. You didn't know. It wasn't intention. You are so sweet to care so so much! WOW! Others wouldn't even mind...I know you miss your brother. His memories are alive inside your heart. Relive them and smile....for him!
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Date: 3/3/2014 2:52:00 AM
Nikko only you could start to write a piece that you had no intention of writing and it turn out to a beautiful, heartfelt, wonderful, soulful write such as this..it brings out you, which has always been a wonderful beautiful person, ...great to see you here and take care....David
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Date: 3/2/2014 2:16:00 PM
Hi sweet sweet nikko...I can understand you...cause Im an animal lover..and I can understand as well ..that you lost your brother,and knowing what pain death causes..one can't take in the death of anything else..not even if its of a lizard.Your heart is sensitive and beautiful dear..Here s a big hug
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Date: 2/28/2014 11:19:00 AM
Absolutely brilliant. Thanks for making my day. I have found it pleasurable to always begin the weekend with Poetrysoup because poets like you and poems like this do not disappoint. Have a lovely weekend
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Date: 2/27/2014 11:08:00 AM
nikks, nikks... naiyak naman ako sa tula mo.. how tenderly written alluding to lizards as a creative handle to spill your feelings about your brother.. sensitive , supreme piece as i send you my love.. you are beautiful nside out; meaning din that i miss you.. ako na lang yata ang regular pinoy dito, waah!.. huggs
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Date: 2/26/2014 8:38:00 PM
oh my sweet tender friend, Nikko. you have such a huge heart. And to be worried about dang lizards. I know it is because of your dear brother. All that grief coming out over the lizards. It's your grief of course, for other things. I love you, one of my best friends ever!! Also< i really loved seeing a new poem of yours today.
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Date: 2/26/2014 11:36:00 AM
Nikko, I really don't know what to say about this...I was glued to it, I'll say that. It was ultra sad at times and in a weird way that I hope doesn't offend you...kinda humorous at times...I think it was you calling yourself a lizard serial killer. Don't feel too bad, Nikko...it was an accident. You have a depth and spirit that I find intoxicating and intriguing. I love your writes.
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