Am I Dead

Horrific horrid awful thoughts Running thru my head Comfy cozy blankets And lots of pillows on the bed No control Radom thoughts All of the things I see Would scare the **** out of anyone No control: I'm asleep Rage and blood pills and death The pattern does emerge Jealousy lines of coc A head that's been submerged Sharp blades and blood Or mirrors or glass The mess is everywhere I walk into the other room And curl fetal in a chair Rocking back and forth Searching for my happy place Wishing anyone were here To wrap me in their embrace Why is there dried blood On my face and on my hand Can't call for help No one would understand I stand up, I'm naked I look down, I'm covered in blood everywhere I look at the bottle of empty pills Where I was sitting in that chair My wrists are slit, but not enuf To cause me to be dead Just Enuf to drip down my fingers And leave a trail across the bed I look at the bottle once again Left not a single pill Did I take all that was there Wouldn't I be ill I decide to look In the broken glass Disgusted by what I see White powder on my nose This is so not me Dried blood runs from my mouth Dark circles under my eyes Did I take all those pills Am I the one who died I make a run for the toilet And when down I look in the bottom of the water Are the pills I thought I took Hope the pills all came up If not I'd still od There were at least 300 pills Sitting in front of me The door opens I hear a scream But it sounds so far away It's my kids all of them But at least I am ok They start shaking a body Tears down their faces stream Shaking and shaking Mommy they scream I'm right there my babies Look I'm ok Still crying and screaming They don't look my way Oh my god all the blood This is all from me It was more than a cut Now that I can see I didn't stop myself this time I swore I'd never die And now my kids have no mom They just sit and cry They kiss me in my bloody cheek One final goodbye Selfishness has prevailed For today I have died