Again

It comes in waves Before you know it Was it always there It comes in waves You didn’t think about it today Did I make it up Is pain a feeling I’ve ever known It comes in waves This time was stronger than usual The emptiness it left seems bigger than the space inside of me. Gulping down anything to furnish the bleak landscape left behind until the swirling world resembles the swirling blacks and grays of once intimately known emotions that now seem so far away, out of reach, unable to be processed It comes in waves The sun rises and flowers bloom Blossoming despite the previous storm that threatened to upheave them from their home Birds flitting from tree to tree Sun shining down washing away the brain fog and stress like the shortening shadows of the trees it tries so hard to eradicate It’s almost peaceful in the warm summer morning It comes in waves Empty. Again. Aching Aching to stop feeling Aching to feel anything more than the resonating nothingness A feeling that cuts more than any pain An absence of feeling more palpable than any emotion I’ve ever felt before Aching An ache that burns more than the cold air that I greedily breathe to steady myself Greed Maybe greed is my problem Gluttony The need to consume Consuming food, drinks, drugs Indulging beyond satiety, past inebriation Until I’m numb to even the barren pit that I covetously attempt to fill The pit that tortures me with its yearning to be filled So I stuff it with the broken splinters I was given as love before I knew better They protrude like broken glass through a plastic bag as if reaching out not only to hurt me but those that get close enough to feel the violent nature of how I care for things The sky is dark I think a storm is coming They come in waves