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The tears flowed and I still smiled,
My body and spirit and mind,
Were still in that state of residual bliss,
Soaking in your sweet smile,
And savoring the moonlit skin before me,
But my soul was being torn asunder,
And shaken to the core of its core.
I knew soon my face would
Betray me if I couldn't shake it off somehow,
But it was overtaking me, and while
My face was hidden in shadow,
My back to the moonlight from the window,
I knew the wet from my face
Was now moistening my chest and arm.
As I sat sideways on the bed,
Looking down at you in repose, your face was
Changing ... the smile was leaving it slowly,
And in its place something unusual ...
A look of questioning and doubt,
And I knew you knew, could tell somehow
That my emotions were overflowing,
And you reached out tentatively
And touched my chest, tracing your finger
On the path of my tears, down to my arm
And back up slowly to my face,
Where the wet was far too plain to hide.
Oh, how I wished then I could
Find a way, a lie, an excuse, an alibi to get
Out of this, because I knew that this truth would
Change you irrevocably, as it had already
Profoundly changed me ...
But my tears were flowing, streaking me,
Little wet, random, epidermal excursions,
And I could not control it.
I wasn't sobbing or crying, at least
Not as I had ever known crying to be prior.
But I had also never before had water streaming
So steadily down my face just SO ...
Like a faucet, but still the smile frozen on my face,
The rest of me, physically, was still frozen in that
Amazing moment, but my soul had let loose
This infernal fountain, straight from my eyes
And down, and I was doomed to the truth ...
Doomed because it WAS the truth,
And because I knew you enough
To know you would never let this go ...
You had never seen me like this -
Didn't know I was capable -
Even I had never seen me like this,
And ONLY truth would serve to remedy and explain
The strange dichotomy now known to us both.
Do you remember? I'm sure of it ...
And even though I didn't understand it,
Or know why it was so starkly plain to me,
Or know why I could even speak the words to come,
Or have any idea why it was hitting me NOW,
Still it came forth like some horrid doctrine
That had been handed down to me from the crown
Of the fates themselves ... an overwhelmingly
Inescapable truth that no matter
What else came to be,
Or what would happen between now and then,
Or how much we worked to make it otherwise,
Or how terrified I was at even the thought,
Or how silly and absurd it may seem,
Or how awfully contrary it was to this amazingly
Beautiful night that we had just shared,
And this incredibly romantic moment that
I was about to destroy ...
That despite all these things that normally would
Have chased it away, I KNEW, without a breath of question,
Without the tiniest sliver of a doubt, I knew this truth that
(Remember that word? "Someday"? ...
The word that we cherished so when we were
Both in places that made being together
And sharing what we now did impossible?
That word that meant our hope and our
Future and our everything?
That word that finally had become reality and happiness?
That word that now came back to destroy me?)
I knew that SOMEDAY, no matter what,
You would be here on this bed, in the warm glow
Of moonlight, with your skin gleaming porcelain,
And your mind winding down to sleep ...
Your body weary from the busy day ...
And you would be ALONE.
Not alone as in the regular occurrences that
Separate lovers once-in-a-while, not alone as in
The finality of death, but alone as in without ME ...
Alone as in one day would come when I
Would never, ever, again be sitting here adoring you,
Washed in moonlight and love ...
Alone as in the inescapable, dire reality that
No matter how in love and joined and perfectly made
For each other we were,
It would STILL not be enough to save us ...
Alone as in that though we were soul-mates,
Soul-mates as surely bound to each other as any
Two people ever have been, it was still not destined to last.
Alone as in though our hands fit together as tightly
And surely as though one had been formed in clay
Around the other, though our bodies had been
Pre-determined eons ago to be forms that would
Fit to perfection, though we almost
Always knew what the other was thinking or feeling,
Though we loved all the same things in life -
The same joys, the same music,
The same affectionate behavior,
The same foods and movies and walks and people,
Though we knew from the first moment we ever
Talked on the phone that THIS was the ONE -
The person we had been destined for,
The person we had dreamed about as a child,
The person who would define our journey,
The person who defined our other half,
The person who was our kindred heart and split-apart ...
Alone as in ALL of these amazingly perfect
Reasons would still NOT be enough to hold us.
Alone as in I would be elsewhere, living MY life,
And you would be here, living yours,
And we would both be only a
Memory for the other, and a fading memory of
All that was right and all that SHOULD have been eternal,
But for some ugly, inequitable twist of the stars,
Could NOT be, and WOULD not be,
No matter what.
Do you remember? I know you do ...
Sadly, I'm sure you do.
I told you, straight out ... just like that ...
It was something that I normally would never
Have even uttered, but something,
In its purity and inescapable truth,
That I HAD to speak, and with no reserve.
As soon as I had told you
The tears stopped, as if their only purpose was
To force this cruel hand ... to make sure we
Both knew that it was real ...
To be the wet arbiter of a truth
Otherwise avoided or marginalized.
I remember the look in your eyes,
The look that said what your voice did not,
That YOU knew with certainty, via the way this
Horrid knowledge came about, that it was something
Inescapable also ... that it was not coming from ME,
But rather from a place beyond us both ...
A place unknown, but also undeniable.
Copyright © Gregory R Barden | Year Posted 2017