Abbreviated Seconds

One Sunday afternoon last summer with the weather being great, we decided we should carry on one normal summer trait, and put on a ‘barby’ for the neighbours, so we can socialise, while we have a drink of bundy and tell a heap of lies. Before the guests were due I thought I’d clean the bar-be-cue of the droppings from the birds, and dead cockroaches too, but of course what normally happens, happened to a tee, someone arrives before they should and kept distracting me. Though my visitor is barely seven and she only lives next door, she put to me a question that nearly knocked me to the floor when she asked politely for the answer she expects “Mr. Laurie can you tell me - exactly what is sex?” Well my first intention was to send her inside to the wife, for it really wasn’t up to me to explain the facts of life, but she’s probably heard a story based on fantasies, so I told her plain and simple - about ‘the birds and bees.’ The little girl’s eyes narrowed and her mouth dropped open wide. Her little face had reddened and in a searing voice she cried “Stay away from me, I’ve done my ‘stranger danger’ course” and now my wife and neighbour had found the screaming source. I made a flurry of denial from the girl they pacify, and I pleaded out my innocence before I asked her why, She asked a flamin’ question that no normal bloke expects. “Well, mum told me to tell you she’d see youse in a coupla’ secs”.