A Dump of All I Feel

The shadow Of your betrayal Hangs over me like a dark blimp Hiding My mountain The mountain I go to, to meditate. The Mountain where I go to seek Peace. It was lit before by the Sun above But now your blimp blocks the Light And I am waning, The poor moon who tried To reflect the Sun But you are Mortal Immortality And you have shuttered my Sun inside A Black Lantern. You will talk to other men but not To me. You don't have enough ENERGY for that, Only for them. And you wonder why I text you less And less, Why I am not funny, or fun anymore… Well, funny takes energy, too, And mine is spent On looking after you, On trying to win your attention (As IF I didn’t deserve it – well, I DID! And I do, Angie) But I have done with chasing you, And when I pursue you again, It will be in a new Light, My Own Light. You treated me Just like HE treated you (I guess it’s ‘safer’ to be the Abuser Than to be a Victim, again) You cannot win, By holding my reins in your hand, Dark Rider, I will take the bit in my mouth and Throw You Off And Be Free And be OUT From under the Shadow Of the Dark Blimp You have summoned As your Outer Ego’s Last Defense before You break down and cry and Tell Me You Love Me Again. It was my Truth you cannot handle, That I am in process, That I am unconventional, That I believe in the Eternal One Like I believe in myself. Since you can’t hurt HIM, You will hurt me instead, And you will be proud of yourself For doing it. I guess I am less of an Investment Than thirty-two years of HIM, And you can’t reach him, anyway, Because he doesn’t care, And that’s why you love him so, Because you can’t trust love anymore, Especially not your own! AND YOU LOVE ME, But it feels sager to hurt me, Safe, in Control, and Powerful. How God you are to yourself When you do this, And you do not know what you have Lost. Lost! Me! Who would have loved you well For a Lifetime. How can you be so stupid, as to not survive And Surpass ‘him?’ He is your God, And you cannot forgive him For failing to be the God Who you WANTED ‘him’ to be. Faugh! That’s an old word That means ‘O for the Love of Pete!’ And ‘Fie!’ Is another old word That means ‘The heck with that!’ (And the heck with you!) I’m done, DOLCEZZA! My Sweetness Has become my bitterness I love you. Goodbye.