is it real?

i was never her favorite. what if she despises me and she believes i’m just another person who will go away and she’ll never see again, who she never loved even though i love her? and it hurts to see that people could hate me too, like she did. she doesn’t like me anymore— she doesn’t talk to me or say i love you or give me hugs anymore because maybe it was never real. does that mean whenever someone tells me i love you, it’s not real? are they lying to me? because whenever i say it, i mean it. i mean it so, so much and i don’t think i can ever stop loving them even if i wanted to. even if they despise me. everything seems fake to me now. even when someone says they love me, i have to check it every. single. time. because i’ve found that no one really does, even if they say so. so we learn that words can be powerful, but i beg to differ. sometimes words are just… words. they don’t mean anything unless you put meaning into them, and i don’t know when someone is being genuine, but i need people. i need so much, i want so much, i don’t know. i’m just drowning in every emotion, and sometimes i feel that maybe i should just let go and drown because it’s harder to stay afloat and wait, wait longer and longer for someone to actually put me as their number one, the one they’ll love the most, the one that they’ll never let down, never wish for any more. but that’s never going to happen, is it? will i always wonder if this love is real? is it real?