The Day The Earth Stood Still (Tangerine)
The day finally arrived, the day all new parents eagerly anticipate. The pangs were two minutes apart. We climbed into our 1999 Subaru and headed for the hospital, her belly sticking out a mile, the look on her face a mixture of pain and excitement. Last month we celebrated our tenth anniversary. It seemed as though she would never conceive. I'll never forget the day she told me. I'd had an especially trying day at work and came home late tired and grumpy. I spoke harshly to her about something, I don't even remember what it was about now. Something trivial. She took my hand and led me into the bedroom and placed my hand on her stomach. It took me a moment, but I finally got it. She was pregnant. Our new lives were to begin on that day.
Almost there, just a half mile more. Her pangs had increased in severity and I was afraid she was gonna have that baby before we got there. As we approached the intersection of Main and Third the light turned green. What happened next is still a blur, but I remember an impact and a loud crunching noise. The next think I knew I was lying in a hospital bed.
"Mr. Johnson, Mr. Johnson?," someone called.
I woke up to see a tall, imposing figure standing over me. He introduced himself as Dr. Kevin Green.
"Wha, what happened? Where am I?" I asked.
"Mr. Johnson, you were in an accident but you are going to be fine," said the doctor.
"My wife, the baby, where are they?" I asked, my voice just above a whisper.
What the doctor said next I didn't fully comprehend. I watched his lips move and could hear the sound of his voice, but the words seemed mumbled and weren't registering in my brain. I don't know if the concussion I had suffered was the cause or if my mind was deliberately protecting me from the full impact, but I passed out before he could finish speaking to me.
When I awoke that evening, the words of the doctor began to coalesce and I realized at that moment that my precious Amy was gone. HOW WAS THIS POSSIBLE? We were on our way to welcome a new life into the world and now I have to say GOODBYE?? Surely it was all a bad dream. I could hear two of the nurses talking outside my room. I was certain that they were unaware that I could hear them. The one was shaking her head as the other said something about a drunk driver and how he had walked away from the crash without so much as a scratch. I yelled out at the top of my lungs:
"AMYYYYY!"
The nurse rushed to my side, but I passed out once again. I would not awaken until morning.
"The baby, what about our baby?," I asked Dr. Green as he made his morning rounds. His voice was soft and kind. This time I understood every word. The infant had been successfully delivered but was in critical condition. I asked the doctor if I could see the baby. He reluctantly assented.
I remember when my sister had her baby, walking into the pediatric unit was quite an experience. Little wiggling infants crying for their mommies. But as I entered this special unit for struggling newborns two things struck me; there was no sound except the sound of medical equipment and the unit had a strange sweet smell to it. I didn't know what to compare it to - citrus? It reminded me a bit of tangerines. I walked over to where the child lay. A little girl. How I hated to see her with tubes attached and monitors everywhere. A tear formed in my eye as I contemplated how and when I would tell this precious little girl that her mommy had died. And then it hit me like a ton of bricks. What if she doesn't make it? I would be alone in the world. Just as I was contemplating these things one of the monitors she was hooked up to began making an awful noise. I was rushed out of the room as a team of nurses and doctors hovered over her.
Six in the morning. I couldn't sleep all night. No one would tell me anything. I wished I was dead. Why couldn't I be the one? Everyone knows that children need their mothers, for crying out loud!
"Mr. Johnson?," the doctor spoke. "I'm Dr. Kim. I want you to know that your baby girl is going to be okay. It will be a long recovery and it won't be easy, but she's going to make it. I'm so sorry about your wife."
My whole being was flooded with a mixture of emotions - grief, joy, anger, frustration, guilt. I immediately prayed like I had never prayed before in my life, asking God to help me raise this little girl, a little girl who would never get to be held by her mommy. I prayed for wisdom and courage and the strength that would be needed to face what lay ahead.
As I entered the unit where my child lay I smelled that same odor I had noticed the first time I was here. Only this time the scent was pleasant, relaxing. I walked over to where my baby, our baby, lay. She was sleeping, her chest rising and falling rhythmically with each breath. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. I was looking at my future. Just then, quite unexpectedly, her eyes opened wide. She looked around with those gorgeous baby blue's and then her eyes locked with mine. We engaged each other for what seemed like an eternity and I knew at that very moment what her name was going to be - Tangerine.
Tangerine Amy Johnson.
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