that other sun

that other sun
We're at the Tate, the university student center waiting for my older sister. I'm with my 9 year old cousin (Katarina, we call her “Kati”) and since we have time to kill she brought in her toy bag and were playing with these little figurines.. she must have 300 of them - the newest are the Star Wars ones like BB-8, Fin and Rey.

Anyway, at one point Kati goes off to the restroom - which was 20 feet in front of us so I keep on arranging these action figures and someone says "So, you like Star Wars?".

I look up and who's standing there but the most popular, most amazing, most gorgeous guy at my school! *I flinched, in shock, as if electrically zapped*

Now, I've never even talked to him before - he's a senior - I've watched him from a discrete distance - like you might if Ryan Gosling ate in your cafeteria but I never thought he knew I was alive. So, for what seems like 30 seconds I'm just looking at him - like an idiot - waiting for the reality that he's standing right there and talking to me to come into focus.

I finally stammer out "doesn't everyone?" but it comes out something like - "murbly, murbly, mumble" because my tongue doesn't seem to work. He reaches out and I manage to make my arm move and give him the BB-8 I'm holding - which he turns in his hand and says, "Oh, cool detailing" or something.

My throat feels so dry I can hardly breathe - and, is the room spinning?? I look down and command myself to act casual and be cool- I look back up and seeing him is like looking directly into the sun - I'm sure I squinted - this isn't going well - the room is definitely spinning…

I decide he must be breaking some social rule - like I'm an untouchable - "Those are the new ones" I offer meekly, **like DUH - DUH, FU*KING DUH, I think**. I'm beet red - I can feel it.

My mind is slowly starting to work again but this still doesn't make sense - him noticing me - him talking to me and here I am sitting - alone - on the floor playing with kiddie toys like Shakespeare's busy fool - later, maybe the solar system will explode.

My cousin Kati appears - looking up at him because he's holding her BB-8 - "Nice", he says, as he hands it to her and nods *she beams*. He smiles at me and says, "See ya" - he barely turns to the left and as he does a group of his friends appear - as if from nowhere - like the world has been waiting for him to return to begin again - his glamorous goddess girlfriend looks at me (sitting on the floor surrounded with toys) like I'm a homeless beggar.

just shoot me, shoot me NOW.

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