Stuck

Stuck
I-I have to get out of this place, I can’t stay here any longer. I’ll go crazy. I’ve seen these same four walls for literally months. I walk out that door, and then the clock t-ticks and I have to go back to the room. I sleep, read, and stare at the walls. I can’t help but think that I’ll end up worse than I already am.
The doctors tell me that I’m g-getting better but I can tell that I’m getting worse. I take my meds, and physically, I am better. Mentally? Mentally, I’m s-stuck, just stuck in a never-ending c-cycle.
The days I get to go to the social room, I j-just sit in the back corner and read. The nurses try and get me to play games with the others, and I deny them every t-time. I don’t like to interact with others.
I like sitting in the corner to r-read, it’s always quiet. No one bothers me. I like that. I like w-when I don’t have to be around people. They scare me, and I s-scare them.
The doctors tell me I have a s-stutter, and that since I don’t have social interaction that my stutter won’t go away. I d-don’t talk at all, not even to myself. I hate talking because I was told to not talk about what I think. I would make people upset if I t-told them what I think, so I stay quiet. Sometimes I wonder, if I even know how to s-speak correctly anymore.
I like to read b-because I don’t have to be in the real world when I read. When I read it’s like I’m a different person, I wish I could be a different p-person. I don’t like being me, I’m crazy and I see things and-and-I just h-hate me.
The doctors give me medicine t-to control what I see, but everything haunts me. I’m haunted by the m-memories of my life before this place and the memories of this place. The medicine doesn’t help me, but I’m too afraid to s-show that to them.
I see things, things t-that I can’t explain, things that make me sound c-crazy...because I a-am.
M-mostly I see my mother...I see someone w-who I think is my mother. She r-reaches for me, and I can never seem to grab her hand. I can’t get her out of my head. I want her out. I d-don’t like remembering her, she put me in this place. She m-made me first believe I was crazy, she did this to me-she did this to me!
I don’t remember my f-father because I don’t even think I had one. There was never a man in my life, only a w-woman. I know that biologically I have to h-have a father, but why d-don’t I remember him?
When I see my m-mother, I see her in a white gown. She is holding flowers, so many colors of f-flowers. Then she drops them and reaches for me, she always looks in p-pain when she drops the flowers. I can never reach her, and I then she leaves. When she leaves, she always looks so disappointed. I b-blame myself for not being able to reach her, but I won’t stop t-trying.
My other v-visions a-are of people, no-not people! They’re monsters, they try and get me! I can’t let them near me, but I can’t escape them either. I see them everywhere. T-they are dressed in long white coats, and the o-others are in blue uniforms with nametags. The monsters t-tell me, “Everything will be alright,” and “You’re doing much better today, Matthew.” How do they know my n-name? Why do they want to help me? No, NO! They w-want to hurt me, they w-want, they want...I can't give them what they w-want.
Most days I read, b-but the other days I look out the window. I honestly don’t know what I’m h-hoping will happen. I think I might be hoping that my mother will show up, or that both of my parents will get me from this place. I still t-think this, even though I know it’s hopeless.
I want to be normal; I want t-to go outside. I want, I want...I want a life outside of these w-walls. I hate these walls, they-they-they are scary and confine me. I want to grow up, and be able to have a family. B-but I’m stuck h-here.

“Thank you, Matthew.” Dr. Palmer was still writing down everything I said.
“N-no p-problem.” I responded, and he looked up from his paper.
“Matthew, you said that you don’t know if you speak correctly anymore. I think that you speak perfectly fine to me.”
“Yes, t-to you. N-not to other p-people.” I started fidgeting with my hands. “O-others think I’m d-different.”
“You are different, but we are all different.”
“No! They t-think I’m w-weird!” I started to shout, and that’s when the security guards came in. They grabbed me by my shoulder, and I shook them off. “Get o-off of me!”
“Matthew!” Dr. Palmer pushed the guards off of me, and grabbed me. “Matthew, calm down.”
“I see her, I see my m-mother.” I saw her, in the corner of the room. I began shaking back and forth in my chair. “She’s here, Doctor, she is reaching for me.”
“Matthew, you know it isn’t real.” He shook me, and knelt down and looked me in the eyes. “You know she isn’t here.”
“Doctor, she’s here, she-she-she wants to me to go with her. I c-can't reach her hand. Doctor, she-she wants me.” She was still reaching for me. “D-doctor...”
“Matthew? Matthew, she isn’t there.” He pointed to where she was standing. “She isn’t there.” I stopped shaking and looked at the doctor.
My mother disappeared, and Dr. Palmer smiled. “Is she gone son?” I nodded, and he stood up. “Let’s get you to your room.” He helped me out of the chair, and he walked me towards the door.
We were walking past the reception desk, there was a woman.
“I’m looking for Matthew Smith.” That’s me, who is this woman. She turned to look at me, and I saw her. My mother.

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