My nightmare

My nightmare

I had a dream a few years ago. I am standing, among about fifty other schoolchildren near the edge of a deep swimming pool. The teachers, middle-aged frightening men, especially one of them, with a big, strong, terrifying body vibrating brutality, are hanging around at the front of the pool. In a few minutes they are going to order us to go to the very edge of the pool, to stand ready and when the brute teacher gives the order to dive into the pool.

I notice, there is NO WATER in the swimming pool. It is very, very deep and of course, grey concrete at the bottom. Everyone is near enough to see that there is no water in it. And no one is doing anything about it. We are supposed to get readier and readier to dive, the teachers are getting readier and readier to give the order. I look around. Everyone is pretending that everything is fine. I’m thinking of making a big fuss. Thinking I’ll start to shout: “There is NO water in the pool!” or “Don’t dive!” But I’m hesitating: shall I collaborate with the teachers by turning to them? I am terrified of having to act alone, I wish I had not noticed the no-water. I don't know why but I am also scared of turning to the other children, though I despise myself for not daring to do it.

Finally I go to the main teacher, the brute with the big body. I tell him that there is NO water in the swimming pool. I tell it in a frightened way, implying that I do know that I am guilty of causing trouble, so somehow with my voice withdrawing what I’m saying with the words. He gets angry. He does not even react to the content of what I told him. He does not specify my sin: I knew it, and had already implied this knowledge, my bad-conscience in how I talked to him, in how I held my body, in how I felt about myself while talking to him. All he communicates to me is this: it is right that I am scared of him, but I should be more scared, I should terrified of him. I should not occupy myself with anything else than the fear of him.

I go back to my place, feeling ashamed of myself. Ever since I noticed there was no water in this extremely deep pool, I have had a voice in my head saying there probably is water in the pool, but I can’t see it. Another tiny voice somewhere inside me was saying that probably in a minute water will start flowing into the swimming pool and everything will be fine. I should not worry, I should not get anxious, things will work out. Otherwise why would everyone else behave as if everything was all right?

The minutes are passing. Complete madness, what is happening, my school-mates, they must see it, they must know it, why don’t they do anything, why are they turning their heads a bit away from the bottom of the terrifyingly empty pool, pretending to look only towards each other, and light-heartedly chatting with each other? – I'm starting to feel nauseated by the fear which stops me from acting. This fear mixes together with the struggling of my uncertainty, whether there is or isn’t water in the pool, and merges into a strong dizziness. Finally I can experience only the dizziness, and all the other feelings, thoughts and doubts are disappearing into the background.

The brute teacher counts. I and my schoolmates stand at the very edge of the pool, we all bend down our heads, lift up our arms, ready to dive. The man counts: “ready, steady” – I secretly lift up my head a little bit to look around while pretending to be ready, I still hope they won’t dive, and I hear: “go!”. I see all the children have dived, they are in the air, nearing their death, and suddenly I think, if they all have dived, I must be wrong, so I DIVE TOO, I am in the air, falling towards the grey concrete bottom of the pool, among all the other schoolchildren.

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