Lost
I was so tired that night, I don't even remember my head hitting the pillow. I woke with a start. One of those times when your bearings went astray and I just had to lie there wondering what woke me up. It was someone shouting. Who? I was on this hump alone when I crawled into my tent, at least I thought I was alone. Slowly as I gathered my scattered wits I wondered why it was so quiet and cold. Glad I had stayed dressed, no real option there as I was well knackered from the forced pace I had set myself, with that thought in mind got myself out. Half out that is, and I stopped. No, this cannot be right. I must still be asleep. OK, just take a moment out here. I was on Dartmoor, It was late June and I had decided to do the Ten Tors on my own because I had failed to complete the last course and it had left me fuming and disappointed in myself. OK OK I know it was a stupid thing to do and well advised against because the Moor is a really treacherous place to be especially on your own. So, what the hell is going on here? It was cold and quiet because I was pitched in deep snow! In late June? No way. I had checked the weather reports and they were good to go. I slowly got out and stood up. Nothing absolutely bloody nothing, a blinding nothing. The arrow I had placed by the tent for today's direction was under 2 feet of snow, I scrabbled around but it wasn't there. Then I thought, who had shouted to wake me up?
There was no one, I traversed the tent , no one. It was only when I got back to the front that I realised I was on level ground and I know that I know that I had pitched on a hump. OK. I need to focus here.Breakfast so I can think this through.I got the making for a cold breakfast and hot tea. While waiting for the water to heat I looked outside again. Snow, not my imagination. No raised ground where I was. In fact there was no raised ground visible anywhere and there should be because the Moor is anything but flat. I got out my maps and compass but I had nothing to use as a reference point. The compass said North was directly in front of the tent where it should have been to my right as it was last night. My mobile said no signal or time or date. Contacts all there. No messages, no missed calls. Breakfast done I packed up within a few minutes and moved out on a dead North bearing. I trudged through knee deep snow until what I considered noon. Nothing and no one to be seen.Dry lunch and a snow drink. Well before nightfall I set up camp with the tent dead North South and made a hot meal and drink. Still nothing on the horizon, still as flat as a pancake. I hadn't even felt a rise or fall as I trudged. Mobile on the last of it's charge so I switched off. I turned in exhausted and more than a bit confused. It was stupid to do this alone, it went against all my training. I slept.
The ruffling of the tent woke me, it was noticeably warmer than yesterday. As I looked out the flap, fear gripped me for no other reason than it was all green, no snow and a warm breeze blowing. Oh man what the hell is going on here I asked myself. The land was all green, no hills or humps, no trees, shrubs or animals or any tracks or droppings. The fear I felt came back. Had something happened to the world and I was the only one left? Oh man now I was going crazy. There had to be a logical answer to all this. I must be still asleep. How long does a dream/nightmare last. if I hurt myself will the pain wake me. I tried pricking my hand with my knife, it hurt but nothing changed, I did it harder and drew blood, nothing. It proved nothing. Dry breakfast, pack up and move out. It was a built in drill.
The horizon changed, very subtle at first but as I moved forward It started to clear. I saw buildings or what looked like buildings. It took me the better part of two hours to reach them. They were just round huts made from mud and straw. No windows no door just a way in. There were nine of them in a circle. No sign of life but a fire pit that had not seen fire for a long time. I raked it over and no insects. decided to stay the night in one of the huts. Thoughts of lighting a fire were out for lack of fuel.
The following morning the grass had withered to parched earth consistency and it was mega hot, at least 40+ the like of which I had felt in Helmand. he hut was cool compared to the outside, but I couldn't stay there , I had to move on to god only knows where. I had now been moving steadily North for two days, the climate had changed beyond belief , I had seen no other forms of life , not even a bird or an insect. I had seen no roads or rivers. In fact the only thing in the world seemed to be me and that thought gave me severe anxiety. No training in the world could set you up for this.
When I stopped just before sunset I had a thought trying to get through the fuzz and heat of the day. I set up camp again and with the last of my canteen I made a hot drink and ate dry rations. I lay down and let this thought grow.
It was an assessment of the last 6 months. I had come back from Iraq after my tour, my 4 tour had finished. I was at the end of my 12 with the option of more. I said no, I wasn't going back. I had discussed it with my wife Briony and we decided to take the money and run. We wanted to settle believe it or not in Ireland albeit the South where her family came from, a little place on the South west coast just outside Tralee. We had been there on holiday with her cousin and it was beautiful and as far away fro trouble as you could get.
Three months after my discharge Briony died in a hit and run as we walked home from the pub. Driver or car not found.
I went over to Tralee but felt my welcome had died with Briony, Probably just my mind all mixed up. I came back to England in a mess. never been a hard drinker and only the occasional recreational dope in Sandland to help me cope.
Now, I could do with some to try and get a grip.That thought was still struggling to get noticed. A steel bar flashed in my face and was gone. I went to sleep totally whacked out. My last thought was that this heat would see me off tomorrow. It was raining the next day and the next and the next. It was then the thought hit me like a thunderbolt. I had been traveling at a steady 20 30 miles a day for seven days now and it was impossible for me not to have crossed a road or river or people in a village or town in all the time. So where the hell was I?
It was the steady rainfall that began to get though the fuzz. It slowed to a drizzle and then to a constant drip. The steel bar flashed again. Steel bar, steel bars, why did that seem important. I woke up , it was pitch black, it frightened me. I had only felt frightened by total lack of light once before. When, when was that. The fuzz kept getting in the way. I willed my mind to get a grip. Go back a way. I came home from Afghanistan. back to Hereford for discharge. I met Briony at Swindon Station, we went to the camp together. No that can't be right, she said she would be coming from Tralee when it was all over.When what was all over, my demob? Demob, who did the paperwork, I can't remember. Where was I demobbed from? Steel bars again. That bloody persistent rain.
There was a place we used, way out on the Moor. Round huts, no round stacks of hay. We used to burrow into them to keep warm and out of sight. Steel bars, locked in somewhere. I'm in a cell. Something wanted to flood my mind but it couldn't. What was going on here? Where was I? I'm not on my own here so why can't I hear anything, see anything, feel anything, anything that is except for that bloody water. Is Briony really dead or have I imagined it? I needed to focus. I felt around with my fingertips, my arms were fixed, my legs and body were fixed. Just my fingertips. I felt a metal bar. I could slide my finger under. when I needed to focus I forced my finger back to almost breaking point. It hurt like hell. I heard a voice. Was it the same one that started this nightmare, I couldn't remember. I bent my finger again and felt it crack and I screamed as the pain shot to my brain. The voice again but clearer asking why he screamed, not me, he. So there was more than one here.
The light was blinding. Images were fuzzy and slowly came into focus.
Someone called for a doctor they said he is coming round. Then all went black again.
I felt something tapping my shoulder, then something wet on my face, bloody rain again. No it was cloth, someone was wiping my face. I slowly opened my eyes to see the most gorgeous face in my life. Briony.
I couldn't speak, I opened my mouth but I couldn't speak. Something was pushed between my lips and I felt a trickle run down my throat. Someone was doing something to my arm, then the sun was shining in my eyes, then all black again.
A hand was gripping mine, squeezing gently. A familiar voice asked me to squeeze the hand if I could hear. I did. Then I was asked if I could open my eyes. The light was intense so I shut them again. I heard a swishing noise and slowly opened my eyes again. The light was softer now and the lovely image of Briony came into view and stayed and it didn't go black. She leaned over and kissed me. Such an electric thrill passed through me. Whatever I had been going through was over. I progressed quickly and was soon sitting up. Doctors and nurses faffed around but all I saw was my Briony in the corner while they did their work. Then she was back at my side holding my hand.
The Hit and Run was real but Briony hadn't died. I had, three times. I had head trauma, broken pelvis and a broken finger.I had been in a coma for over 3 months. I had months of physical and psychiatric treatment and the end result was that all the days of trekking over the Moor and the events I went through were all part of my body experiencing sensory deprivation to help the recovery process. It was using my past life to help keep me alive during a time when I should really have been dead.
Briony and I have now been living in a cottage on the Irish Coast near Tralee for over a year. There have been no more feelings of being lost in time and space and the consultants feel that it was my army training that was the driving force that kept me going.
© Dave Timperley 08 May 2017
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