Internal Turmoil - Rosemary's Love Saga
On February 28, Rosemary received a phone call from a person she did not expect to call her. The person who called her is a man she saw every Sunday at church and on Wednesday nights during bible study. You see about 3 years ago she started having dreams about this man and she knew there was something going on his in life that was not pleasant. His life was full of turmoil and setbacks because the dreams revealed things she didn’t understand, yet, she knew one day she would find out what was going on his life.
While talking to him on the phone, the strangest feeling came over Rosemary. He proceeded to tell her what was going on in his life and thought she would be able to help him better himself with his career, his personal life and his spiritual welfare. Rosemary was so taken aback by all of this she did not hesitate to say yes. Another reason why she did say yes was because of the dreams she had been having about him.
The following Monday, he went to Rosemary’s house. They had a good conversation, which caused Rosemary to think about how long she had been living in her home - ten years, and never, at any time, did she allow a man, who was not her son, ex-husband, ex-lover or neighbor to spend time with her at home. For the entire week, this man and Rosemary spent a few hours together in her home and talking for hours on the phone, discussing their personal lives, past and current relationships as well as job experiences (careers). They met and talked on the phone for a few more weeks, then, all hell broke loose. He unleashed a lot of his past frustrations on her while talking on the phone. As much as Rosemary wanted to tell him she did not want to continue to help him, she decided to pray and ask God to help and guide her in this situation.
Prior to Rosemary allowing this man to come into her life, she did have a male friend she was sexually involved with. After spending time with this man, who is younger than she, he nor Rosemary, at that time, knew he had helped her in more ways than he realized. Of course, it was not his intentions to arouse in her the possibility of having any type of sexual relationship with a younger man, him in particular. Never in her wildest dreams did it ever occur to her that this man would wake up a dormant feeling that she had suppressed for so long. It was a feel good moment for her therefore she needed to constantly remind herself to be cautious and not step outside the boundaries of the platonic relationship they were establishing.
Rosemary’s thoughts about the older man – The sex is just what it is, sex with no commitment and that is what we both agreed to. I would think I have more in common with this man because he is my age, we both enjoy writing and our conversations are good because we are of the same age. The thing we don’t have in common is a spiritual connection – maybe we would if we were to spend time together attending church as oppose to meeting up to to have sex. He has never been to my house. When we get together, I go to his place. After the sex is over, I leave knowing I will be going home to an empty house, yet, I don’t feel as if I want to be in a committed relationship with this man and I don’t really know why. Maybe it is the lack of a spiritual connection that keeps me not thinking about or wanting more that a sexual relationship with him. I don’t even lust for this man, and, more importantly, I never tell him I love him, even from a friendship perspective. When we talk on the phone our conversation is usually when and what time we are available for our next sexual encounter. It is what it is – sex and nothing more. Do I want more, of course I do, but, more from this man, I don’t really know or maybe it’s just easier for me to say I don’t because it is easier to not have to answer the question.
Rosemary’s thoughts about the younger man – Our conversations, for the most part are good. We talk about our encounters/experiences, including sex, from current and previous relationships. We have a spiritual connection, we spend time together – me helping him with personal goals he is seeking. Of course, it was not his intentions to arouse in me the possibility of having any type of relationship with a younger man. One of the most amazing things about our friendship is he has made me step out of my protective zone and forced me to realize that I do want to share my life with someone. When I am with him I feel comfortable and connected in an intimate sort of way, minus the sex. When he leaves, I start thinking about the possibility of sharing my life – a committed relationship (not necessarily with him). When we talk on the phone, before we hang up I tell him to have a good night, which is something I have never done with the other man. I do look forward to hearing from him again and I pray for him at night and when I wake up the next morning – I’ve never done this with the other man. Why is that so, I don’t know.
The older man has no knowledge of the younger man. However, the younger man is aware that Rosemary is sexually involved with the older man. Both of them make her feel alive and she enjoy being with each of them. When she is with the older man she feels somewhat secure even if she doesn’t feel totally connected to him – mind, body and soul. When she is with the younger man, she thinks about love and being in love. As much as Rosemary tries to avoid her feelings, she is curious about what it would be like if she had sex with the younger man, of course, she knows her feelings are natural and moral, yet she finds it very difficult to believe her feeling are normal - the age factor could be the reason.
Rosemary’s thoughts about the older man are not as great and hopeful as they should be considering she has known him for a few years. They are the same age and he does sexually stimulate me, yet he has never taken the time to stimulate my mind so she can grow, which is probably why she has never tried to establish the possibility or hopefulness of a committed relationship with him (the older man).
It takes a lot of strength for her to maintain self control when she is with the younger man. He has been to her house several times and he has never made any attempt to have sex with her. Has he not tried because he respects me or is he waiting from me to seduce him? Rosemary wonders and ponders these thoughts - Am I wrong to think that maybe, just maybe, I wish he would make a sexual advance at me? Would I be flattered and give in or would I turn him away? I should be able to answer this question and all I can say is I don’t know!!!
For now her mind is made up about her feelings for the older man and she is struggling. The internal struggle - is it worth the effort to establish an intimate relationship with the younger man, which creates in her mind many more questions for which she doesn’t know how to answer. However, she is sure, and with certainty, that the one thing she does know is she is not willing to destroy their friendship and believe if she were to have sex with the younger man their friendship would be tainted, if not totally destroyed. Rosemary is not willing to take that risk.
Who will Rosemary choose to have a hopeful, loving relationship with, a man her own age or a man younger than she........
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