ILLUSIONS
ILLUSIONS
They were young inexperienced teens. Charlie and Susan didn’t know each other at all, so they came out after the cinema separately, though he had caught her eye a number of times during the film. It had been snowing heavily while they were inside and there were about five inches of perfect snow covering Gateshead - everywhere they looked. They looked at each other and timidly nodded as she pulled her open coat tightly around her and he turned up his collar. They set off in the same direction a few yards apart, but he quickly caught up and they were side by side. At that hour all traffic had stopped and sounds were muffled, and they exchanged casual shy comments about the weather in the intimate silence that heavy snow brings. It was as if the world had closed down for the night, and was not moving, not making noise, nor even breathing out loud. Holding its breath.
Away to the north the familiar view over the industries of the Tyne valley was transformed. Not sure what to talk about, he made some comments about how the gasworks with its leviathan gas holder looked like an enormous christmas cake with icing layered on its curving, shallow domed top. She smiled and murmured agreement, huddling down into her hood . He felt a bit self-conscious and wished he hadn’t said it. She’ll think I’m an awful pratt. I never know what to say.
“You know, that’s very interesting -- I never thought of it like that, you have a different way of looking at things. As if it were a dream, ” admitted Susan, then hesitated,and asked, “What’s your name?”
He was relieved to be off the pratt-hook, “Charlie Armstrong ..what’s yours?”
“My name’s Susan, Susan Grey...how old are you?”
“Seventeen, and you?”
“Sixteen, and it’s my birthday next month”
“Ah... my birthday’s not till November.”
With these simple pleasantries and this nice girl, he found he was enjoying the distant view out over the Tyne valley from the top of the Windmill Hills made novel by the snow covering everything. She liked the silence with only the echoless small sounds of their footsteps crumping the snow. It appealed to her sense of security. A sort of cosiness.
Ten minutes later. steam billowed out as the chip door was opened and closed. Inside, the hissing and crackling from the big vats of hot fat and the smell of fish and chips made their mouths water. Stepping out of the warm shop, with an open bag of chips in hand she shuffled sideways a few steps along the road towards her home, instinctively half-inviting Charlie to walk with her. He willingly half-followed. Charlie asked where she lived.
“Just along Brighton Road over there. The third lamp, opposite the school - with window boxes.”
“Well,” he laughed, “ I live just on the other side of the school, on Rawling Road,” and again they both laughed in genuine amusement that they lived so close and had never seen each other before. Having established a sort of camaraderie, he felt entitled now to walk importantly and protectively with her. They were delighted with each other.
“Here it is,” she chirped, waving her now empty chip paper, and laughed, “Me mum loves her window boxes.” In the bright lamplight he looked up at the end of terrace two-storey house with flower boxes on the windowsills, lacking flowers but filled with snow.
She went up the seven stone steps to her front door, stooped and made a small snowball and tossed it at him. He laughed and threatened t o throw one back, but didn’t. Before she closed the door he hastily asked if he could see her again, maybe next Saturday. She smiled, nodded and said yes and softly closed the door. He was immensely pleased, and laughed out loud as he ran around the corner, duffel coat flapping open in the wind, and ran and slid down the hill to his own house on the other side of the rambling school grounds. What a girl! She was so easy to be with and she was so nice, he thought.
They met again. And of course, again. When he called in at her home he found they were just about identical to his own family. He felt at home, settled in easily. It was his ideal. She was an only child, like him, and her mum was a widow. Susan liked to read Walter Scott novels and had a number of them neatly on a shelf. Susan’s mum liked Charlie and sometimes asked him to help her with the windowboxes. Empty the old soil and fill up with fresh. Send him round to get it from Mr. Weathers, a friend of mum’s, who had a lovely flower garden. Yes - Charlie was a lot better prospect for her daughter than the others around the neighbourhood. He was an apprentice electrician, not a layabout.
One Saturday night when he was playing rummy with them and Weathers, the kitchen stove had a ring accidentally left switched on and it burnt through the wire draped over the stove to the kettle. It caught fire. He quickly put out the fire and fixed the short-out. It was nothing to Charlie because he was well trained, As the mother tidied up the mess from the fire Susan slipped her hand into his and hugged him securely. Charlie felt needed, useful. He felt good.
“You were right good at that wiring, lad,” commented Weathers, shuffling the deck. Sue felt proud of her young man.
“Another hand of rummy Charlie?”
“No thanks. I really like playing bridge better these days. I’ve learnt it at work. Anyway, I’d better go now. “
Friendship for these two was so easy, so relaxed without any teen angst about self-doubt or inadequacy. It was obvious that they liked each other They quickly evolved an easy and genuine affection and attraction as they shared the same interests. She was thoughtful and liked to read her novels. He would like to walk up to the Windmill Hills and gaze at the stars. They were comfortable with each other. It was almost too easy.
But it had no spark. They were too young to even know what was missing It wasn’t sex. In those days it wasn’t even an issue at such an age. They just didn’t really understand each other. Truth was they didn’t yet understand their own minds. Their togetherness didn’t last. By February it was over. He just stopped coming to her house.
He didn’t spend all his time looking for girls, just occasional dates. Nothing special. He missed Susan of course, but his mind turned to his apprencticeship in the chemical plant where he worked. Higher National Certificate electrician exams were soon coming. He was determined to get down to work and study . Susan found her first job in a textile factory nearby and was excited at the idea of any likely boys at the factory who might take a fancy to her. She went out with a couple of them but they were not as good as Charlie and she felt disappointed.
About two years later, just before the H N C exams in June, Charlie spotted Sue again. She was seated on a bench overlooking the park lake, reading one of her novels. He slipped quietly over the lawn behind the bench and stood behind her for a few moments in silence, and noticed for the first time how her long straw-colored hair was lovely in the full sun. He was surprised he’d never noticed it quite like that before. The shock of long strands fell over the pages of the book and she occasionally moved the straw aside and turned the page. The urge to run his fingers through it and hold big handfuls of it was almost irresistible. He was hypnotized by her. He plopped down next to her on the bench. She was of course surprised and very pleased to see him again. She hugged him warmly around the neck. He put his arms around her and squeezed tight. It felt good. Her book slipped off her lap onto the grass and he bent quickly to pick it up for her - Ivanhoe by Walter Scott.
“Oh, still reading Scott, I see,” he chuckled.
She nodded and laughed,“You look thinner and a bit taller. Are you still studying for your exams?” She reached for his collar and straightened it, “I like your shirt Charlie, it suits you.”
He liked her straightening his collar - it felt good. He blurted out,“Your hair looks smashing today in the sun, Sue.” She blushed.
They sauntered back to her house licking ice creams. Her mum was kneeling outside with Weathers putting marigolds in the window boxes in the glorious sunshine. She was very pleased to see Charlie with her daughter again. Susan’s mum invited them to have some tea and then asked Charlie to help Weathers lift up the boxes before they went off on a stroll for the afternoon. Togetherness again delighted them both. They both felt this was what they’d always wanted.
One Saturday about two weeks later, they went on their bikes for a longer ride than usual and took the Hebburn ferry across the River Tyne to Wallsend. Just for the fun. She’d never ridden on the ferry before and they both breathed deep of the cool sea-scented air over the river.
She rapidly began to feel nervous as the craft plunged and rose in the river swell, like she had on a roller coaster once. Was this tiny boat going to sink? She began trembling with fear and snuggled into Charlie’s chest and whispered that she wanted to get back - to return to the Hebburn shore. The feeling of being lost and beyond help was overpowering and her stomach churned. Charlie’s arm around her shoulder reduced the feeling, but only a little. She pulled his arm tighter, closed her eyes, and instead of getting off with everybody else, they stayed on the boat as it turned around and went back. She breathed a sigh and felt a lot happier as they closed on the Hebburn dock.
Leaning over the side of the boat, and encouraging her to open her eyes, Charlie pointed out the tall cranes,and the tugs, and moored further along the Tyne the huge sea-going ferry to Stavanger in Norway. As they wheeled their bikes down the gangway, he chattered enthusiastically, “You know, Sue, I’ve always fancied taking the ferry across to Norway and seeing the strange places there.”
She was struck by the thoughtlessness of the remark, and wanted to make her feelings plain.“Oh, not me!” her eyes widenend and she shuddered, “I wouldn’t like to go on such a long trip, across the open sea. It would be too scary. Just crossing the Tyne to Wallsend was enough for me. Aren’t you scared of the sea, Charlie?”
His words didn’t strike him as thoughtless, and he just didn’t sense their importance to her. On the contrary, the world of boats made him feel manly, and he smiled at her timidity - kinda feminine that - it allowed him to be protective and he liked the role. A pity she hadn’t enjoyed the short joyride on the boat.
The bikes took them home, and she felt at last that she was on firm ground and tried consciously to feel less lost, and kissed Charlie warmly on the lips. Her mum was away at the cinema with Mr. Weathers and for once they were alone in the living room. They sat down on the sofa and she took up her book.
He said quietly,” Sue will you read some of your book to me? I like your voice when you whisper …it’s kinda soft”
“Why aye, why not? ” she beamed, and snuggled into his chest on the sofa.
Sue began to whisper softly, but the story was quickly forgotten as his nose caught her perfume and the shock of straw fell softly across his chest. He tickled her ear and she began to use her hair to tickle his eyes. Instinctively his right hand came up to her breast and stroked it softly, and she turned her face and her mouth up to meet his. Her lips were warm and inviting. She gripped his hand and thumb. It was the first time for both of them. The idea had hardly crossed their minds before. They did not hurry, unsure of what to do or what to say. Clothes were clumsily removed and she pushed him down on the sofa. He turned and removed the book poking into his back. He was hard now and a bit nervous, but to his surprise she was also ready and not in the least nervous. She had made up her mind to act. She slid on top of him and pushed him into her, with a little wince of pain and then a triumphant grin. It was over in seconds for both of them. A forbidden pleasure - and now followed by a small feeling of smirking guilt. They suddenly remembered her mum would soon be returning. They threw their clothes back on and got back to the book not a moment too soon.
A key turned in the lock, and mum and Weathers came in chirping about the film, saying casually, “Well, what have you two been doing today?” Looking at their eyes as they mumbled replies, mum added, “ Well, anyone want a cuppa and maybe play rummy? Charlie was very happy to change topics and play cards, and settled back in the sofa.
Shuffling the deck, and still trying to calm down after the unexpected episode, Sue felt a lot more certain of how things would turn out, and decided she was happy to be with Charlie, even if he wanted to go on ferries, even to Norway. She’d always hankered after a bit of adventure. For Charlie too, it had been unexpected, but he felt it helped clear up his mind. Later that evening he asked if she would like to come with him for a few days holiday in Scotland, and they would have lots of time together. They knew what he meant, and she was all in agreement at the prospect.
“And are we going on the bikes?” she joked and they both fell about laughing.
“Well, as a matter of fact,” he said, “by bus it would be quite expensive but on my motorbike it would be cheaper and faster.” She hesitated momentarily, but after the afternoon’s episode she was excited by the idea and nodded enthusiastically. The next day they packed all their stuff into tightly tied bags and lashed them on the motorbike and set off from Brighton Road with a roar.
Just whizzing through Newcastle was completely novel for her. Going all the way to Scotland would be a real challenge for him. He’d never ridden so far in one trip before. They enjoyed the wind in their faces and the freedom. All went smoothly until Gosforth. On the Great North Road outside the Brandling Arms, Charlie swerved to avoid a bus pulling out suddenly, and he blew the back tyre. Low speed, but they still came a cropper into the kerb and all their tied-up bags were spilled open. A small crowd of worried onlookers gathered round them. He was slightly shaken from the fall. She was not hurt, but she was absolutely terrified as two men helped her up.
Susan’s mind had been in a turmoil after their lovemaking, and though a bit hesitant about the motorbike, she had wanted to go anywhere with him. But this accident ended her reluctant acceptance of the machine. Annoyed with herself, she brushed down her clothes vigorously and tried to make the best of it.”Oh Charlie, you and your ferries to Norway and your motorbikes - sometimes you scare the life out of me… doesn’t your mum ever get scared about your motorbike and so on?”
Charlie was a bit apologetic,“No, she knows I need to get away sometimes. It’s normal, I reckon, especially for a bloke. Lots of the fellas at the plant have motorbikes too.”
“Well, no more motorbike for me. From now on, only bus, thank you.” The small crowd nodded sagely. He sensed that he had sort of made her come on the machine without taking her feelings into account after the ferry incident. He thumbed down a van driver going south who gave them and the bike a lift home. Mum was naturally shocked to hear about the accident and worried that they might have been badly injured.
But they set off again the next day, and her face was all smiles as they boarded the bus at the Central Station. Scotland was still a wonderful attraction. Susan’d never been there but she loved reading Scott’s adventure and travel novels - they appealed to her tastes. And she had read a lot of them, so sure they would give it a second go. The bus passed the Brandling Arms and they laughed a bit ruefully as they left it behind. Three hours later - Edinburgh. Arthur’s Seat and Holyrood house they both loved. The Scottish crown jewels. They stayed in a cheap bed and breakfast and made love for the second time in their lives. It seemed to Charlie the perfect natural way to start settling down. For Susan it was an adventurous start to a life which she had looked for for so long. She had made up her mind.
Eggs for breakfast and an early bus home. They got off the bus in Dunbar and Susan picked a lot of shells off the rocky beach near the small harbour, while Charlie sat watching men in orange oilskins fixing the rigging on their boats. The shells, she explained, were for decorating her mum’s window boxes. Charlie admired her thoughtfulness. She posed a smile with her hands full of shells and he took her picture, and then several pictures of the orange-clad men.
Mum was indeed very pleased with the shells as Sue ran up the steps and hugged her. “Oh mum, it was the furthest I’ve ever gone and the most interesting trip I’ve ever made, but it was such a long trip, I’m so tired.” Mum was pleased to see her daughter so happy, and as they sipped their tea and chattered about Edinburgh she looked carefully into their eyes for any glimmer of anything which they might be trying to hide, and she smiled at them both.
Their togetherness had now become a courtship. Yet after the Scottish trip it began gradually to lose a bit of its definite nature, which had seemed so clear to both of them. It started one day with his chance remark about wanting to get a job in London and wanting to use his HNC to make a lot more money there, and there were lots of jobs.
“Oh, but it will be too far to visit mum,” she said, implying she and Charlie would indeed be together there.
He had no objection to her implication. It was what he wanted too. But the future began to telescope. They would be always having to stay close to her mum. Their movements would have to be trimmed to within a few miles of the window boxes in Brighton Road. The jobs available would be many fewer and less well-paid.They would be poor, like both their families. He saw it all in a moment. He replied that that she’d be able to visit mum once a month or so, and that made her sit back and think about it more deeply than she had before. It was obvious that they had different aims in life, but she loved Charlie more than she ever thought possible and didn’t want to lose him. At the same time, she could see a clash coming, so she set herself to figuring out how to resolve it.
This sort of conversation was repeated in different forms many times. The tone became slightly more heated each time. As the summer wore into autumn, the heat became a fire, which burnt its way into their plans and destroyed them. It was unresolvable. He had to be free to make progress in his life. She had to be close to her mum. Neither Charlie nor Sue wanted rows or fights, and after about six months it ended again - not with any bang - just a squeak of a door as he left for the last time.
Their interests had changed. He gradually focused all his interest on work and exam prospects, on his motorbike, and occasionally other girls, until Sue faded again from his memory. Susan read a lot and eventually joined a book club at her mother’s suggestion. Here she found others who liked historical fiction. A mixed crowd of schoolteachers, shop assistants, factory workers and even bus drivers. Here was a whole world of people with whom she could share her passion for reading. Here she could enjoy adventures in a controlled world of pages and cups of coffee. She took to looking forward to the weekly meetings and the coffee bar afterwards with animated discussions about books.
Three years of study, work and promotions later, one wet November evening just after his twenty second birthday, Charlie ran into her mum and Weathers arm-in-arm in the city centre after work. Heading for his weekly bridge club, Charlie stepped aside and sheltered in a shop doorway, while the other two huddled under their umbrella, Weathers protecting a bunch of flowers from his garden from getting squashed. Sue’s mum was very pleased to see him again looking well and very smart in his business suit and briefcase.
“Hello, stranger, what have you been doing with yourself - still in the same job ?”
“Oh, still working in the chemical plant you know, but I have a new job starting next month in London. I’ve just just been on holiday - Just back from a trip to Norway. I’m on my way to my bridge club now.” He talked hurriedly, and she was all ears. Charlie asked to be remembered to Susan. Mum’s eyes lit up. Well of course she would , but why did he not come along and see Susan right now? They were going to visit her daughter in the hospital where Susan was recovering after a road accident which had badly injured her legs.
It hit Charlie like a surprise punch. He was shocked. Oh yes - his protector instinct reared up - in a surge of concern he decided he would really love to see her again. Norway and London were forgotten. Suddenly, he wanted to try and pick up their relationship, but much more seriously this time. He’d never yet met another girl with quite so much in common with him. It was a pity to lose each other simply for lack of trying.
Mum and Weathers led the way in the bright corridors and went in Susan’s ward first, and Weathers popped his bouquet into a vase on a cupboard. As Charlie followed into the antiseptic smelling hospital room he saw the mass of equipment around her legs, and was sorry he had not stopped to get some flowers at the hospital shop downstairs. Mum started to pave the way for him,saying, “Look who’s come to visit Susan …now you’ll see - you’ll get better faster. You’ll be walking in no time.”
A broad grin spreading quickly over her face, Susan reached out a hand for him to hold and smiled in sincere admiration of his smart appearance. He bent over her and she instinctively snuggled into his shirt.
“I’m so glad to see you again. Where have you been all this time? My goodness - you’ve changed. You’re much taller and stronger looking - my, my, you do look nice. How are you, Charlie?”
He felt self-conscious in front of the nurse and Sue’s mum and Weathers, and blurted out incredulously, “No! How are you?! That’s more to the point. Tell me what happened.” His voice rose several pitches and he felt the old protective and caring feeling flood back into his chest . He sat down and looked with great concern at the legs and their complicated coverings suggesting difficult breakages. She willingly related the story of a drunk driver skidding into her on a snowy corner where she was waiting for a friend from the book club, and how it would mean she would be able to walk again, but only after a year or more of therapy.
“Drunk drivers should be shot, that’s what I say,” muttered Weathers. Everyone nodded.
In the middle of the story a young man in a bus driver’s uniform came in and called a cheery, “Hi Susan, how are you doing today? ” He nodded his head towards Weathers, and smiled at her mum. Mum nodded with a soft word, “Now, Billy,” and looked embarrassedly at Charlie.
Sue was still holding Charlie’s hand in her easy friendly way like the old times. Seeing the driver she smiled broadly and was very friendly to him as well. Charlie was taken aback a little. The driver’s conversation with her had a soft-spoken whispered quality to it, as he bent from his standing position to be nearer her face. He was clearly more than a friend to Susan. He pulled out a paperback novel from his uniform coat and pressed it to her palm, and she nodded and widened her eyes appreciatively. And squeezed his thumb and hand .
Instinctively, at that moment Charlie let go Sue’s other hand and moved his chair slightly back from the hospital bed, still listening carefully to the ending of the story of the dreadful accident, which had involved an ambulance and a fire truck and a rush to this hospital. The next moment, the driver moved closer to the bed and began a quiet conversation with Susan. Turning towards her mum and indicating by gesture to his watch that he’d have to go, Charlie mumbled apologies to all and got up to go. Her mum was disappointed and wanted him to have a coffee with her down in the hospital café and perhaps return and chat with her daughter later on. But he said he had to hurry, and he would look in again, and stood up slowly.
Mum nodded reluctantly, and he conjured up a big-smile cheerio to Susan and touched her hand warmly as he left. “Enjoy your book,” he said, mumbling a civilized farewell to the bus driver and nodding to Weathers.
As he left he heard Billy whisper to Susan,“Who’s that chap with the brief case?”
Charlie was out of earshot and didn’t hear the reply. “Oh, he’s someone I used to know a few years ago. We lived in the same part of Gateshead,” and she squeezed his thumb and hand in reassurance, as he turned his head to make sure Charlie had quite gone.
Comments