Hidden Monsters in the Closet of the Mind.
The thought of forgiveness was far from Patrice's mind 'Forgiveness', how could anyone forgive a monster? You see, like Patrice, many of us struggle with the word ' Forgiveness', I know, I do. There is something about this delightful yet peaceful word that disturbs me. It is said,' If a brother offends thee, one should turn the other cheek'.
Well, I may have three years ago, 'disagreed with you’, ' turn the other cheek', doesn't that make you a coward? Surely in the eyes of man, you are looked upon as weak. It is easy to forgive someone for stepping on your toes, for accidentally bumping into you or skipping the queue in the shopping aisle, all because they hadn't seen you, but forgiveness means so much more; it's the beginning of letting go.
These questions played around in Patrice's mind, ‘Mental torment’, now she did not just have one monster, but two. Years had passed, and it was proving very difficult for Patrice to move on; she couldn't quite understand why he was known as her abuser. He was the monster that tormented her dreams, the man that broke her heart and the demon that plagued her soul.
Could it be that she was still hoping that Stephen would return home, these unwanted questions kept creeping threw her mind. How could she still be in love with this monster, an adulterer, thief and a liar, questions that only God had the answer to.
It was not in her heart to forgive him; he had caused her too much pain; she would have preferred to be a witness to his falling rather than to his rising. It was unfair, she thought, ‘why should he be happy’ after all he was the reason why she was at the feet of the cross.
'Forgiveness', I am confused, she silently repeated in her head, ' Forgiveness', if it was up to her, she would have requested his head on a plate with a slight smile. She turned away and walked to the open door, which led onto the terrace.
As she stared into the distance of the extended garden that laid before her, she saw a vision of her 'Saviour' on the cross with his feet nailed and a crown upon his head made of thorns' in her head she heard the words 'Forgive as I have forgiven you and all of mankind’.
These words had meant something, they made her knees weak, her hair stand, and her eyes filled with water. She had heard these words whispered in her ears many times before, but this time, it had great power. There was a sense of great relief as she did not seem resentful and bitter as before; it felt as though her burdens had been lifted off her. ' Forgiveness' no longer seemed difficult.
Is this what forgiveness, letting go, and her Saviour had done? she was amazed as well as confused, turning away for but a while, she took a few steps backwards and gave a sigh, and in a very quiet voice she called out to her father. ‘LORD’, forgive me, for I have been angry to long, my soul has cried out to thee day and night, my feet are weary, my body is week, my thoughts are unclean and my heart has hardened’, ‘Father’, teach me to forgive as you have forgiven me’.
Where did these words come from after all she had not yet perfected the art of praying, she was even more astonished by the words that had been spoken out of her mouth. She had only just been formally introduced to the meaning of ‘Forgiveness’, and now she was saying a prayer for ‘Forgiveness’, was she losing her mind, or was she being possessed by someone other than herself?
In shock, she fell onto the floor where she had sat for hours reflecting on the things that both Stephan and Trish had done.’ Why should she be the one to forgive? Satan had requested her life, and Stephan and Trish were his pawns. He manipulated them and led them to believe that they were in love and that what they had done was right.
Looking out at the deep blue sky, she looks up and says, Why me, Father? Why me? Shouldn’t someone be asking you and me for forgiveness? Why am I on my knees asking for forgiveness and praying for my persecutors? She yelled out, ‘Why, LORD, why?’.
Trish and Stephan were introduced to each other at a family gathering in which Patrice, Stephan and the kids had attended. Patrice had no reason to ever doubt her friendship with Trish, after all, she was considered a family friend.
Throughout their 9-year marital relationship, Stephan never once mentioned anything about her. Patrice had heard many rumours about Stephan's outside affairs, but she had chosen to ignore them. She believed that he would have grown to love her and that he would have discovered that his greatest treasure was his family, especially the girls.
But as time passed, Stephan grew aggressive the children became witnesses to a brutal battlefield as they observed their mother being beaten, kicked and punched.
Yet it was not her worst she had been through even more horrific ordeals ‘Yes, ’ a husband can rape his wife especially if she hadn’t given him consent. Stephan was a monster. Most of the time, he was drunk and under the influence of foreign substances; there wasn’t a time they could recall him being normal.
His day consisted of a puff or two, a bottle of ‘Hennessey’ and a couple of mates whom he called his friends. He was a man possessed by many demons, he was also a coward, and he was a boy entrapped in a man’s body. Stephan was afraid of himself, his past tormented him, and he kept secrets well.
There were nights as he slept, Stephan would mumble and mourn in his sleep, sometimes he would even awake drenched in his sweat. It was difficult for either him or Patrice to talk about his nightmares as neither of them communicated with each other and when they attempted to talk, they would find themselves in a heated argument. Words for these two never came easily, as they were constantly at war.
Don’t be misguided, Patrice was very much in love with Stephan after all he was her childhood friend but she didn’t know the man he had become, she was in love with the boy he once was, Stephan was a very popular child and as he grew he had a certain hypnotizing charm about him. Many people within their hometown knew him as ‘La Cebada’. He is a very tall, big-built, dark West Indian, Spanish gentleman. his appearance was mesmerising.
He had a way with the ladies, as many had found him to be charming and humorous, but far from their eyes, none knew him for the monster he truly was. He can be your worst nightmare and your children in his anger will fear him.
But don’t despise him, he is not always like this, you see, people make wrong choices, some are too afraid to confront their past, others are too weak to stand up and fight, and Stephan was one of them. He had always been too afraid to confront his demons.
It was hard enough dealing with the memories of his past, and now he had to tell his wife and daughters what he had done. The children were too young to understand that they were about to have another sibling, not from their mother’s womb but that of another woman, the family friend. How could he face them for years? this was his home? Patrice and the children were his family, and within seconds, it had all come to an end. The power of deception had brought the walls crumbling down.
Patrice had no choice but to let go, holding on would only destroy her, so in her sorrow she had to put on the full armour of God.
Ephesians 6:11 "Put on the whole armour of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil."
These words had meant a lot to her as she felt as though she was being attacked on every side. As the years had passed, she later heard that Stephan had returned to their place of birth and that Trish now had two children for him.
In her process of healing, both she and the children had learnt how to forgive, confront, cope with and embrace Stephan’s past actions. Although neither Patrice nor Stephan is in touch with one another, the children are aware that they have three younger siblings, two of Trish and one by their Neighbour Jennifer. ‘Thomas’ is now five years old, and he is Stephan’s clone.
He frequently visits Patrice, and the kids the children adore him and have accepted him as their brother. He is aware that Stephan is his dad, and he knows Patrice as his second mother. It took some getting used to, but when you are walking in the presence of the Lord, nothing seems impossible.
Forgiveness is the window of peace; without forgiveness, there is no peace and without peace, there is no letting go. Patrice no longer holds on to her pain, her tears are dry, and her joy has returned in more ways than one. The children are happy and no longer live in fear; Thomas is considered and accepted as part of their family, and Jennifer has been forgiven. Both she and Patrice are in contact with one another.
In the journey of forgiveness, Patrice had discovered that pain, resentment, doubt and fear are not of ‘Yah’, ‘God’ as we know him, is the spirit of love, peace, forgiveness and joy.
Ephesians 4:31-32 31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. 32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
John 16:33 “These things I have spoken to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world, you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.”
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