Five go off on a hike
It was a fine morning in early spring when our intrepid hikers set off on their weekly Wednesday walk in the Surrey countryside. The party this week comprised Walter (known as Wally), Nigel, Michael, Paul and Howard. There were usually six walkers but this week Raymond couldn’t make it due to a last minute hospital appointment.
As usual the walk would commence at a pub and this week the chosen hostilely was the Red Lion which was originally a sixteenth century coaching inn set within the rural village of Milton at the junction of two country lanes and with a backdrop of ancient beech trees. "Who's leading this week?" enquired Paul pulling on his boots, still encrusted with the dried deposits of last week's walk.
" Didn't have a chance to clean your boots then Paul? said Nigel accusingly "As soon as I get home, I always give mine a good dowsing with the hose followed by a liberal coating of dubbin. I like to look after them - had my boots for nearly fifteen years” he boasted. Somewhat defensively, Paul stated that he had a busy week and besides he was not the only member of the party that had not cleaned their boots "Anyway, to answer your question Paul, I'm leading this week" said Wally "Looks like the weather will stay fine for us" said Paul optimistically.
"Don't count on it " said Nigel " checked the forecast this morning - twenty percent chance of rain"?"How far's your walk then Wally?" enquired Howard setting a waypoint on his Garmin. "Five and three quarter miles exactly” replied Wally confidently.
"How about stiles and gradients?" again asked Howard?"Didn't make a count but I reckon at least seven stiles and a steep gradient once we get passed the old milking sheds at Mill farm"?answered Wally.
"Used to be a lot more stiles in this area before the Borough Council replaced them with galvanized steel kissing gates - a lot less maintenance and less hazardous" responded Howard knowingly. Howard was knowledgeable about most things and could be relied upon to share his knowledge at every opportunity.?
"Okay, everyone ready for the off?" asked Wally when looking around he realised that two of the party, Nigel and Howard were already ahead of him heading back to the entrance to the pub car park.?" Left or Right?" yelled Nigel.?"Left along the road for about fifty yards, past a pillar box on your right then left again at the finger post" replied Wally displaying a new found confidence.
As a result of previous navigational errors, Wally was determined this time to lead a faultless walk without any hint of hesitation or duplication. This walk was to be Wally's triumph when the failures of previous leaderships would hopefully be forgotten and forgiven by his peers. Wally had always found map reading somewhat difficult when the reality of the terrain appeared nothing like it appeared on the Ordnance Survey map . Last time he had mistaken a black dotted line for a path when in fact it was a boundary line - a line along which he had led his unsuspecting followers in the wrong direction for a good half hour before realising the error. He was determined not to make any mistakes this time - he had recced the walk thoroughly and he strutted forth with confident authority.?
They had barely covered a mile before Paul cried out "Hold on chaps I can see?something glistening in the mud - must have been churned up by the horses.” They all stopped while Paul retrieved the object and cleaned off the mud with the contents of his water bottle. "Why! he exclaimed, it's an old half crown – probably dropped by someone twenty years ago " Don't be ridiculous" responded Nigel " Must have been dropped at least nearly fifty years ago - that coin went out of circulation on 15thFebruary 1971 when decimalisation kicked in - what's the date anyway? " Nineteen fifty-one - got King George the Sixth's head on it." replied Paul. “That was worth a fortune when I was a boy" chipped in Michael. " My uncle Earnest used to give me one every time we visited - you could buy a really good toy with half a dollar" "You could buy at least a pint of bitter" added Michael. "I used to buy twenty Woodbines for a half crown" said Wally. "I could get a Penguin paperback for two and six" contributed Howard. "How about you Nigel, what did you buy?" asked Paul. " I didn't use half crowns – I was using Lira as our family was based in Rome at the time where my father was working in a senior position with the British Consul".
At this point Howard chipped in with his customary sharing of predictable information which invariably people knew anyway.?"I note that Michael referred to the coin as half a dollar - It will interest you to know that at the time that coin was in circulation the pound was worth four American dollars so a half crown being one eighth of a pound represented half the value of a dollar" "Well I never knew that - how interesting" Wally said. " I think everyone with the exception of you Wally knew that already!" said Nigel caustically.
?For the next ten minutes at least, the party continued to share recollections of what, in their youth, they could have purchased with half a crown.
After two miles of faultless navigation by Wally the group climbed their third stile, which led through to a wooded area bedecked from left and right with a carpet of pristine bluebells. A wonderful sight, which sadly would delight for only a few more weeks. As they penetrated further into the wood a young woman walking a dog walked towards them. "Good morning" greeted Paul with customary friendliness "Aren't the bluebells wonderful this year" "Yes, aren't they" replied the woman as her dog, who had taken an immediate fancy to Wally, began furiously licking his leg. “ I think he must like me” said Wally, delighted at being singled out for canine affection. “It’s not youhe likes, it’s the salt! – you’re the only one of us wearing shorts” retorted Nigel caustically. “What a lovely dog - what's he called?" enquired Wally patting the dog’s head. "Actually she's a bitch and we call her Molly "replied the proud owner. "I think she's lovely" replied Wally " but I’d hardly call such a nice dog, a bitch!" Predictably Nigel retorted with " I can't believe you could be so stupid Wally - all female dogs are called bitches - nothing at all to do with their character"
" What breed is she " enquired Michael?" "She's a Shih Tzu" answered the owner – “a Chinese breed”. Wally and a few others couldn't conceal a subdued snigger on hearing the name. "Oh, do grow up" retorted Nigel. "You lot act like you're still in the school playground - puerile the lot of you" The guilty party looked suitably admonished by Nigel's reprimand.
After a further mile Nigel and Howard who had forged ahead of the leader stopped at a fork in the pathway "Which way leader?" called out Nigel "Left or right." A look of abject horror overcame poor Wally as the blood drained from his face - this was his first moment of forgetfulness, as up until this moment he had displayed faultless leadership. "Umn ... not exactly sure" replied Wally nervously. "Well come on man, left or right?" again bellowed Nigel. "Not precisely sure" repeated Wally as a feeling of sheer dread and anxiety overtook him.
He had not experienced this feeling of despair since, as chairman of the local horticultural society, some tow rag had stolen his notes just before Wally was about to make his maiden speech. "For God's sake man, which way I thought you had recced the walk - Didn't you make any notes?"
Here was Wally's moment of salvation - he had momentarily forgotten that he had indeed made copious notes. "Yes of course I made notes" he replied defensively as he fumbled through his rucksack "Here they are - now let me see - Yes that's it" and reading his notes out loud " After three and a quarter miles pass Ivy cottage on the left after which you will come to a fork in the path - after twenty-five yards pass the drive with the parked red Ford Focus”. Wally desperately looked round to his left and right for a red Ford Focus but it was not to seen. "I don't believe it" reprimanded Nigel. " Fancy recording a parked car as a landmark - might just as well record a whole series of transient landmarks such as man mowing his lawn or two blue tits feeding from a bird table. It's no wonder they call you Wally as undoubtedly you act like one”
. "Okay, okay" replied Wally defensively" I realise that now - it was silly of me" and again referring to his notes " I even made a note of the registration - it was AD09 STW. "Well that's a big help" Nigel rebuked.
"Tell you what" said Paul in an effort to be helpful and calm the situation. "Show us your map Wally and we'll work out which way to go" whereupon Wally reluctantly offered his map over which the four poured avidly. "Well it looks to me that we have to go in an easterly direction " advised Michael" That means we must turn left - all agreed?" They all nodded their approval and continued with their walk but this time led by a subdued and less confident leader whose authority had been usurped and had now come to terms with the fact that this was not to be his finest hour!
Having crossed a mosaic of wheat, maize and rape fields punctured now with the emerging green shoots of the harvest yet to come, the group climbed another stile and entered another woodland area. On approaching a clearing Paul, who was a better baker than his wife, called the party to a halt declaring, “ Look you chaps, I was up until midnight yesterday baking a lemon drizzle cake for us to share on the walk. Let’s break with tradition and sit under the shade of this ancient oak and polish it off – who’s up for it? “Count me in” said Wally. “Me too” said Howard. “ Great idea” said Michael. “Alright, I suppose so, but it will spoil my appetite for lunch” responded Nigel with usual negativity.
Whereupon Paul removed a large tin from his knapsack and revealed the sumptuous cake which, on the assumption that Raymond would be with them, he had precut into six portions. Paul distributed the slices and they began devouring the moist and tangy cake. “Well, what do you think?” asked Paul. “Delicious” said Wally. “Really tasty” said Howard. “Sumptuous” said Michael. “How about you Nigel – like it? asked Paul. “Tolerable, apart from the soggy bottom” responded Nigel acidly.
Within a few minutes all five slices had been consumed leaving one slice remaining. “Who’s up for the remaining slice?” asked Paul. “I’ll have it” said Michael. “Wouldn’t say no” said Howard. “Yes please” said Michael. “Suppose so” said Nigel. “Well, you can’t all have it” said Paul. “Why not cut the remaining slice into five portions then we can all have a piece?” suggested Wally. Howard, being a retired engineer and probably the most numerate of them all, offered the following solution “ As each of the six slices represents sixty degrees then one fifth of the remaining slice represents twelve degrees – So Paul should divide the slice by that measurement’ “ Good solution Howard” Paul responded “ but I doubt if any of us carries a protractor in addition to our compass, Garmin and iPhone!”
“Fair point - then, let’s draw lots” again suggested Howard. “I’ve got a better idea” said Paul “First one to solve the following riddle gets it –Okay with that?”. The party nodded their approval. “Okay lets have it” said Michael. “ This is it – How many months have twenty-eight days?” “ Easy” said Howard – “ Just one in February – Do I get the slice now?” “Wrong” replied Paul. “February is right, but with the proviso that only holds true in three out of every four years when there is not a leap year” said Nigel confidently. “Wrong again” said Paul. The Michael responded with “Well I would have said what Nigel said”. Meanwhile, Wally who had been pondering the riddle and in a flash of inspiration said, “Surely the answer is twelve, as all months have at least twenty eight days. “Correct – the slice is yours Wally – very well done Wally ” said Paul. Wally felt an inward glow of pride and satisfaction having on this occasion, outwitted his peers, which in some way compensated for his earlier failure and humiliation.
To break an unusual lull in their conversation, Paul turned to Michael and asked. “Well how’s married life then Michael?” Michael who had remained a bachelor until the age of seventy-one had recently married Dorothy. “Wonderful – enjoying every minute of it – should have done it years ago” responded Michael. “How did you meet Dorothy?” asked Howard’ “On a dating website perhaps?” “ No, it was on holiday in Corfu last May. I had been holidaying alone there for years at the same hotel always in the second week of May and one morning at breakfast I found myself behind Dorothy at the rotary toasting machine. You know one of those contraptions where you place your bread on a conveyor belt. I always find that those toasters never brown the bread to the required level so I always run the slices through again for a second toasting. Anyway, Dorothy started chatting saying that she too liked her toast well done and was a “second toaster” like me. We then started chitchatting about all sorts of things and discovered that we shared a lot of common interests. “Such as what?” chipped in Nigel. “Well, we both like country dancing, Cliff Richard and, most coincidentally, collecting cheese labels”. “Cheese labels?” responded an incredulous Nigel. “ Yes, cheese labels – you know those triangular ones that were in those six portion circular boxes – It turned that we both had duplicates that were not in our individual collections which we were able to swop.” “Sounds an exciting woman, your Dorothy!” responded Nigel sarcastically. "Anyway” continued Michael “Dorothy invited me to share her table for breakfast as she too was holidaying alone – Dorothy, although twenty years younger than me, has been widowed for five years and we agreed to meet up again when we got back to UK – Anyhow, the rest is history as they say, and we married six months after meeting”
With the exception of only Nigel they all said how pleased they were for Michael whereas Nigel chipped in cruelly with “She’s probably just after a fifty percent share of your final salary pension when you pop your clogs which won’t be long judging from the way you’ve been struggling to keep up today!” Michael was too polite to respond.
Just then the sound of a woodpecker’s pecking could be heard emanating from a lofty bough high up in the oak tree. Howard looked up and declared it was a Lesser Spotted Woodpecker and a very rare sight and how privileged they were to see one.
“Talking of birds” said Paul “Anyone have a budgie when they were young? -They were very popular in the fifties” Only Michael responded in the affirmative saying his family had one called Buddy. “How about you Paul – did you have one?” “We did as a matter of fact” responded Paul ‘My dad bought it from the local pet shop – apparently when he went in there were two similar looking green birds in the same cage and my dad asked for details before deciding which to buy. The pet shop owner said they were both sibling cock birds about three months old. “How much are they asked my dad?” “Well one is two pounds and the other three pounds answered the owner” “But they are identical” queried my dad. “Why is one more expensive than the other” “Because” said the owner “One is on high perches!” The group laughed politely and, with the exception of Nigel, were too polite to say that Paul had recounted this story previously. Predictably, Nigel came back with “ That joke doesn’t get any better even on a fifth hearing!”
With only a half mile to go before reaching the pub, the party set off again reaching the Red Lion’s car park in twenty minutes. “Thank you Wally – that was a good walk” said Michael. ‘I enjoyed that” said Howard. “Nice walk – thank you Wally” said Paul. “Good walk wasn’t it Nigel?” said Michael. “Tolerable – I’ve known better” responded Nigel reluctantly.
As they were pulling off their boots, Nigel spotted a red Ford Focus registration number AD09 STW entering the car park. He wandered over and approached the elderly driver who was just getting out and said in earshot of the others “Do us a favour mate – try to leave your car parked on your driveway on a Wednesday as it’s an important navigational aid for our leader” The driver was justifiably baffled by the request!
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