Falling into sometwhat

You see, I have met him. Just as I am now, I am torn. That would be between living the awaken hope and suspecting this hope to be a fake. Between the joy of knowing him and the pain of not knowing him. Between the thought I am happy I've met you and the thought I'd rather never set my eyes on you. I am stuck. He is amazing. And that is not really surprising as I am not attracted to average. Average have not interested me whatsoever. He is unusual, rare, exceptional. I just sound like everyone else in love, aren't I? I am so aware of that but I do know what I am saying. And just for the record- I am not in love. I do love him, true. But this is something I would never say to him, being afraid he runs away immediately. Love is a decision. And I clearly cannot make it without him. He is not easy in emotions. I call him pokerfaced. I hate poker faces. I truly hate them. And I would never say I hate him. I hate somewhat what he is. And some of what he is not and does not want to be. At the same time, I am sure he would not intrigue me being different. My lovely freak, I call him that, too. He is loved, though I don't tell him so, he is a freak, and maybe the biggest of all of those in my life, and I call him freak a lot. He doesn't speak. Did you meet someone who is mute? He is mute and I rage. He speaks only of what is sealed from me. And that he is not to change it. Imagine me. Volcano of inside emotions and thoughts. I rage. I. Rage.
I realize that when others meet something big, everything falls into places. And when I do- everything does fall into. Pieces, though.

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