Depression
I have been putting off this story for a long time. I don't want to write it because the memories are painful. It makes me expose some things that I'm not comfortable sharing. God wants me to write the story and God does not take no for an answer. So here goes.
I am not talking about chronic depression that you get from the illnesses like being bipolar or other similar problems. If you are chronically depressed then you need to see help. Counselors and doctors have all kinds of ways to help you level off.
I'm talking about the kind of depression that comes along once in a while when problems begin to overwhelm you. The depression that can lead to suicide if you don't take care of it. I have been ready to commit suicide three times in my life. God has helped me through all three times. I guess my job down here is not finished yet.
The first time I was that depressed was in the spring of 1982. I had recently lost my mother and that and the fact that I wasn't working and had no money really began working on me. It was one of the darkest nights I have ever seen. I was getting ready for bed and I decided to take a razor blade out of my toolbox and put it on the bed stand. I was going to lay down and cut my wrist and it would all be over. I laid down in bed and I found I could move it was like someone was sitting on top of me stopping me from reaching for the blade. While I was laying there I was thinking maybe it might be better if I just crawled in the refrigerator and shut the door and suffocated. I was thinking that way there would be less of a mess for my friend to cleanup, he was the manager of the apartments. I was also thinking maybe the refrigeration could keep my organs alive and maybe they still could be used to help other people. But I still could not move. Then I got thinking I was taken a course in real estate and if I ended it all I would never know if I could finish the course. So I grabbed onto the idea that I had to finished the course. I had to know if I could do it. I fell asleep with that idea in my head. The next morning things were back to normal.
The second time it was around January 1998. I had recently lost my father and again I was out of work and had no money and didn't know what to do. So one day I decided I was going to slit my wrist. This time I would do it sitting in my recliner. And when they found me I would be sitting there holding a picture of my goddaughter Jaymi. Now for those you who don't know Jaymi means more to me than life itself. I would do anything for her. As I was sitting there thinking about this. I was thinking it would hurt Jaymi very bad and I never ever want to hurt Jaymi in any way shape or form. I kept holding onto the idea that I could not hurt my Jaymi . Within a few hours things started getting better. The depression was leaving me. I went to talk to the pastor of our church a few weeks later. I had a real nice talk with him he listened everything I have to say. I cried a few tears. Then he says something that I never forgot. He said “Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.”
The third time it was the winter of 2011. Again I was having money problems. I had not been able to find work for a while. Unemployment insurance was almost gone and I had no idea what I was going to do. I had a sister and brother-in-law who were going to celebrate the 50th wedding anniversary that summer. I knew I had to get their life story finished that I had been working on before I did anything. I decided that when the story was finished I would it leave laying on my computer so it can be found. Then I would jump in the pool headfirst when my head hit the bottom of the pool it would all be over.
The problem was I started thinking about Jaymi again and I knew I could never hurt her that bad no matter what. So again I held onto my love for Jaymi and her love for me. Pretty soon the depression passed again. One day my little sister called and asked me to come in Oklahoma she said there was plenty of work there. So I did. About a week after I got the Oklahoma. We went to my sister and brother-in-law's 50th anniversary party. We all had a lot of fun. I kept thinking there were times I never thought I would see that party. God had other ideas for me, He still does.
What I'm trying to say with all this is that when you feel depressed to the point of suicide. Find something to hold onto until the depression passes. For me it was a course I was taken I had to see if I could finish it and I did. The second and third time it was my love for Jaymi. I could never hurt her that bad, I love her too much.
It also helps to talk to somebody, in most cities there is a suicide hotline you can call They are sitting there waiting to help you. They will do what ever they can to help you. You have to make the call to get things started. You have to ask for help. That is the only way that they can help you. There is also a national suicide Hotline that number is 800-273-8255. Hot lines are open 24 hours a day seven days a week so if you need them please call them let them help.
I want to leave you with a song. Both Porter Wagoner and Hank Williams Jr. had single on it. I did a lot of research and could not find out who wrote it. The words are really beautiful. It talks about a man thinking about suicide after the loss of his wife and how his son's love made him change his mind. It also shows how God answers prayers before we even ask and sometimes while we are asking.
Darling I don't know whether you can hear me or not
Because of this lump in my throat I can't talk very loud
But I've got to tell you bout our little son's prayer tonight
If you could've heard it honey you'd've been so proud
I'd already left a note on the table for mom and dad
As if they didn't know what was wrong
Now I asked them to take a care of him now that you and I we're both gone
After I finished the note I figured that he was alseep
So I've slipped in to see him just once more
But he was just startin' to pray and his words froze me at the door
And he said dear God it's late I hope I didn't get you up
But there's somethin' we gotta talk about
You see God my mommy was buried today
And my daddy needs straighten out
Ever since mommy got sick he's been nervous and hollered at me a lot
But that part I can't understand Cause even a little boy like me knows that worry sometimes overload a man
But God he loved mommy so much
And he used to tel her nothing would ever come between 'em
Now I know that's what's botherin' him now cause somethin' has
And I'm afraid he's thinkin' about joinin' her somehow
God I'm glad that he loved mommyI want him to be with her again one of these days
But I want you to talk to him and tell him that first he's got me to raise
Tell him every now and then a little boy needs a helping hand
And I guess you probably still need your daddy even after you're a full grown man
And God if I'd lost him and mommy both it'd be more than I could stand
I know my grandma and grandpa would take care of me
Cause they both love me a whole lot
But God they're older and they don't always understand The problems a little boy like me has got
Well God I won't bother anymore tonight, but tomorrow night I'll be sure and talk to you again
You take care of my daddy now you hear thank you Amen
I've just stood there thinkin' bout his prayer and all that he said in it
Finally I opened the door and asked him if I could talk to him for a minute
We sat down on the edge of his bed
And both took turns laughin' and cryin' for a while
And he could tell it'd been a change in me because for the first time in the long time I saw him smile
So darling you go on ahead but you walk slow
And someday when you'll turn around I'll be there
But it'll be a while cause I'm gonna spend the next few dozen years
Being an answer to our little boys prayer
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