An Incredibly Ordinary Day In The Absolutely Absurd Life Of Mr Muronzo

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Oh dear, this morning Mr.Muronzo woke up late Watch him run about the house in a terrible state He even ate his morning cereal from a dirty tea plate And brushed his teeth with blueberry flavoured lubricate. He looked so terribly distressed, so totally unimpressed Stood on his head, whilst trying to get dressed. He couldn’t find any socks, so instead wore wooden clogs Every step he took, he thought he heard the door knock He’s not a plank, more a block! No walk for Bonzo this morning, cos ole Muronzo couldn’t stop snoring The dog greeted him with whoofs and hails, all to no avail, His only fun until later, barking at the royal mail! Without much breakfast, damn near starving He left for work, upon his penny farthing And began to whizz down the hill, with consummate skill As if the bike had free will. He jumped 2 red lights, looked a bit like E.T While he nearly took flight at traffic light number 3 Soaring right over you and me, observing silently. You’d think with such a big front wheel, so rounded How could it take off? It should be grounded Ding-a-ling the noise it sounded, Ringing his bell, riding through the street, Even the tallest person only reaching his feet. A cheery hello and a friendly wave to all he passed As he whizzes past so fast He loves his bike, it’s such a blast! He arrived at work early and went to see his girly Last night she was surly, shoulders hunched up all burly, Which meant he didn’t get none, feeling like a nun, he tried to give her one, But he just got second base fun, Her hand on his knackers, he wants to explode like firecrackers. Then to work he was sent, off next door he did went Before his ear was truly bent, about overdrafts and arrears on the rent, He wouldn’t care, he spent 3years living in a tent. But off he goes, with a clump of his toes, to do what best he knows. Boy I’m sure you could tell, he does his job so very well So much liquor does he sell, intoxified just from the smell. For Mr.Muronzo works as a barman Known to everyone as the Cocktail Shaman Next door to his girlfriend Carmen. He takes great pride in his work, always late, but never does he shirk. He’s usually dressed so very smart, so much so he calls himself art, But not today, cos of his late start, Fashion never gets retired, he’s usually nattily attired, With snazzy waistcoat and top hat with tails, Even a monacle on his pineal minds eye, You should sample one of his cocktails, here give one a try, Glides down the throat, like a boat with velvet sails, Caressing tingling taste buds with silken nectar suds, Their shaken and stirred, then blitzed and whirred, Believe me pal, by your third, you’ll talk moo as if in a herd, And try to get off with any old bird. He makes the rules, he upholds them too, Won’t serve fools or those sick in the loo, He can be fun, but also tough, so very gentle with just a hint of rough, Don’t even consider trying to call his bluff, He’ll let you know when you’ve had enough, If you play the lout, or act like a **** He’ll throw you out, and give your **** a kick, From that he really takes no pleasure, but the lines been drawn out to measure. The ingredients he mixes and the results you get, You won’t have tasted anything like it before I bet? Oooh, he’s hooked you now too, the appetite is whet, Your new best friend, though you only just met. Juggling his bottles with such flair, Such a skill as his, is very, very rare, Check any book you like, it wont be there, So where did he learn it?? Well, he’s worked just about everywhere, from the rising sun to Val D’Isere, He once ran a bar for a travelling fair, Concocktailing drinks for all sorts, from Pygmies to Gypsies, And those who’d swing by on trapeze, Even spent three weeks as ringmaster, now he gets you well and truly plastered, Oh, the tales that man could tell you, Over the cocktails that man could sell you, One such story goes….. One Halloween, Mr.Muronzo went drinking with the Devil himself, Who’s partial to spirits from the top shelf, But he swore he’s clean and on the level, Even found out Satan’s middle name is Neville, He drops in occasionally, you may sight him, Promised a drink to anyone who can fright him, Make his pants a ****ing, he’s a pretty good laugh, if you can ignore the burning staff.. The work hours, whoa do they drag, going out for his 7th or 8th fag, Look for Carmen, hope for a shag, in his pockets a rubber bag. Two hours left, then home can go, might take Carmen to that west end show, Surely then, he’d get a blo? Mixing his drinks now faster, faster, looks like some kind of glass puppet master, This one’s called Fiery Hell Blaster, ironically it’s the favourite of the local pastor, It’s caused so many unnatural disaster’ Home time, yeah, see you guys tomorrow, When you again drink dry or try your sorrow, If there’s any money you can borrow? You’ll be down the back of the sofa tonight, rummaging until morning light, Enough for a pint held so tight, any spare change to aid your plight, I doubt you could give the devil that fright, you get scared walking after midnight, At every noise you turn paler than white, and I’m sure I once smelt shite? But Muronzo he’s as foolish as brave, rumour has it sent 2 men to their grave, Now it’s peace, not fights he craves, he’s awoken a new way to behave Fear and governance, he’s not their slave, doesn’t listen to Clegg or that prat called ‘Dave’. His work is done, it’s time for fun, maybe tonight he may get some? One for the road, he had a quick Rum, Cheers Kevin, with lips salivating, he needs rum for the road, Cos he’s heading uphill, ‘s why he has that big front wheel, Or else he’d stay completely still, he once tried it on a racing bike, boy did it kill Sweating and wheezing alike, so much so he felt ill. Gotta rush now, Bonzo dog must need a walk and a doo-dah, oh yeah plastic bag, After a funny fag, I swear I’m loo-lah or that dog can talk, He even solved equations on a blackboard, with cheese not chalk, I didn’t think you’d believe me, I knew you’d balk. Mr.Muronzo arrives home at last, look Bonzo’s excited he’s wagging his tail fast, and Furiosly creating a gale, the jiggle of the bit that makes him male, All before Muronzo’s even got the key in the yale, He wants to sniff and play around the abandoned hay bale, In ole farmer Black’s empty field Such fertile soil ‘ere, every harvest’s a bumper yield, For services to agriculture, the queen even saw him, kneeled, His poor old Mum couldn’t take the rapture, over she keeled, 50 people couldn’t catch her, you must know how that would have feeled, Flopped to the floor, like a banana skin peeled. Off they head now, the field their destination, Some solitary time, for Muronzo’s contemplation, some may even call it medication, Though he prefers the term meditation, Doesn’t get too stressed though, he only sells re-hy-de-hydration. The walks not too long, gotta move along Because of Carmen’s west end show, She wants to see Psycarnival, she’s heard a great party they throw, Where drinks and drops and merriment do flow, I don’t need to tell you, you already know, I’m sure last year I saw you go? Sorry mate, gotta leave, time to go, Bonzo, here Bonzo, They took a shortcut so not too slow, Past the mightily gushing river Gonzo, where white water churns do flow, The speeding canoes, with no need to row. Come on Bonzo, my old mate, it’s already half past five, If I’m late and make her wait, she’ll skin me alive, I’ve not even time to pedal, I best better drive, Faster Bonzo, leave those ducks alone, get out of the reed bed overgrown, Else you’ll cause an argument full blown, Carmen’s no fun if she whinges or moan, Come on then, I’ll race you home, if you beat me, you can have a bone… That’s it, good boy, here you go, need a bowl of water? We made good time, should avoid a slaughter, I don’t like upsetting the glass-blowers daughter, I promised her the world when I caught her, I can just picture how she will look, Like a princess from a fairytale book, what a catch, and boy can she cook, I’m so glad other people we’ve both forsook, when my hand forever she did took, She’ll look glorious, she’ll look regal, so much so Bonzo’ll wish she were a beagle, And he’d pounce on her like Berty Boycee Seagall, Oh no, I’m getting carried away, another of those dreams within the day, Don’t worry precious, I’m on my way. Time to get out the magic bus, he drives the magic bus, A VW Transporter, held together by rust, But there’s a very special bond between Muronzo and that ’67 bus, But not just on friendship, but absolute trust, Inside is spick and spam, not a tiny speck of dust, Mr.Muronzo’s happy to clean it, never grumbles “if I must”, The engine fires up smoothly the very first time, The bus purrs groovily like a soothing tribal rhyme, But it drives like Neville, racking up many a pound in unpaid fine, A repeat perpetrator of every traffic crime, So in no time at all, they’re at the show, waiting patiently in line, He was right, Carmen looked pretty damn fine, Go as far as to say, even Divine, So resplendent, all that’s missing is a crown, And maybe a sparkling brooch pinned to her gown, A pleasant present idea, her birthdays coming around. Ladies and Gentlemen, the moment is here, curtain openers ever so near, So lets hear a hand, for the leader of the band, I give you…. Tonight;s thingmaster, Adam Shaw, These stunning tricks and gigs, you’ll be thirsting for more, For the opening night of their west end tour, Listen to me waffling on like a bore, Feast your senses, I’m sure you’ll adore, You’re being taken for a journey, through a very special door, Discovering the secrets of existence, and so much more! Wow, Carmen was whooping, so full of glee, Smiling lovingly and looking at me, Stood upon her chair, arms flailing in the air, It’s nice to see her so free from care, she spent so long on doing her hair, She really is a queen to me, and I so debonair. The play that was portrayed, what a display, Such a wondrous marvel, if ever the chance occurs, what more can I say? Go check out Psycarnival, for the minds holiday, The time of your lives, take your children and your wives, Conscious creativity on which it thrives, The buzz generated is akin to maybee beehives, Opening doors through which the mind hides, You can see your present life, is just one of many rides, Borne when a soul and matter collides, You do keep returning, like the seas high tides, And “thought is like a little boat upon the waves”, Jesus neither damns you, nor does he save! Shows over, outta the theatre, Carmens sister Leslie, they do meet her, And go for a drink at Muronzo’s bar, to watch Kevin mix booze like a star, He always has Muronzo’s following shift, Even taught Bonzo a brand new trick, man that boys got a gift, He makes perfect drinks, no mistake, with no need for a spirit level, Uh-Oh, I hear a snake, this evening’s about to go late, Here comes Satan Neville Devil, to the wee small hours shall they revel. Muronzo proclaims “drinks on me, all around”, We’re stood in Neville’s own hallowed ground, here Kevin, here’s £200, The temperature, it quickly rises, many cocktails to drink, Different colours, varied sizes, Uh-Oh, look out, young Jimmy’s on the brink, Gross, he spews forth like geysers, he couldn’t reach the sink, Muronzo gives Kevin a wink, I’ll have this sorted quicker than that eye blink, I’ll sort Jimmy, you get a mop, this stuff’ll stink, Muronzo scooped him up, gave his ear a gentle clout, Time for your second chucking of the night, and he threw him out, His lessons learnt though, last time young Jimmy tried to fight, Poor little Jimmy, a black eye shiner so bright. Crisis over, carry on, get this party back on song, Cos closing time won’t be long, and it’s time for us all to be gone, Still got time for two more rounds, Before that bell tolls those dreaded sounds, First up, put Kevin to the test, come on mate, hit us with your best, Something to strip hairs from the chest, So they had a Screaming Slammer, it hit Carmen’s head like a sledgehammer, Oooaah, none tonight either, looks like another handwhammer. In consolation Muronzo gets a Fiery Hell Blaster, His sex life, last two days, what a total disaster, His only joy from a bate named Master, Here we go, poor Carmen, she’s turned green, is she gonna throw? Looks more like a grass coloured queen, chunks are sure to blow, Muronzo though, he knows the signs, seen it all a thousand times, All the varied shades of limes, upon his white stead he climbs, To save her pretty face, to the door they now race, At frantic drunken pace, please don’t be sick in my workplace. Out the door, timed just right, feels better in the cool of moonlight, Carried in his arms so tight, her dazzle outshines any moon bright, Oh how he wants to make love tonight, home they go, he’s glad she’s slight. Taking Bonzo on his late night walk, he took a smoke, It’s been ages since that doggy spoke, last time he told him the funniest joke, Laughing so hard, his jaw nearly broke, the fun they have when that dog’s had a toke. Stoned and happy, the pair head home, So late even the rivers gone to bed, and lost it’s foam, Meandering silently, who knows maybe to Rome? Bonzo laps his water, and off to bed with his bone, At least someone’s got one tonight, remember poor ole Muronzo’s got to play alone, He washes his hands and brushes his teeth, a quick rinse of his feet, Trims the handlebars, to keep them neat, kiss Carmen goodnight and off to sleep, Day off tomorrow, this time he can overlay, If he so chooses, stay in bed all day, Listen closely, you may hear Bonzo say… “Lazybones, Lazybones, doesn’t get up until teatime” That dog never, can ever speak in rhyme, To him Muronzo would simply say… “That’s what happens, after an absurd life like mine!”

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