a letter in the post - pt 9 - inbetween cities

nopey nopey nope.
nope nope nope
there is no way out of ontario. i mean it just goes on forever. I drive and i drive and i drive until my tank runs empty and I am still in ontario, and i mean just the northern parts. i can't leave this place. how did i even get here. i don't remember where i live. i don't remember anything before this. before trying to find you. before you. i don't think there was anything, before you. i mean, surely i was a baby at some point, and i don't think we knew each other as babies. i mean we could have. we could have come from the same womb, and though it feels like maybe we have, i don't think we actually have. i think there has always been this distance between us. though, we grew up right along side each other.
i think if we were to ever occupy the same place again, it could be bad. Like ELE (Extinction level event) bad. like, matter and anti matter coming into contact. like, the total big bang but in reverse. a collapse. the end of the universe. maybe we shouldn't do this. maybe i should stop trying to find your house. its so far away, i will never reach it any way.
i could just go back, i could park the car somewhere and stay there, i could stop this endless driving. i did get new music. Joel Plaskett, i dont think you like him very much because i called him cute one time. its hard to remember these things. its hard to remember our conversations. at least until i listen to the static on the radio. i think they are all there. and others we havent had yet. sometimes i just listen.
like the time we impersonated arnold schwarzeneggar for hours. days even. or the time we decided to allow a flying plastic grocery bag determine where we would walk. we followed the bag for hours. or how about the time we talked about our dreams and you had the one where i wouldnt cross the open gate, the other girl did, but not me. maybe i shouldnt find you. maybe i will only hurt more if i do. maybe i am not meant to cross your open gate into your yard.
but then i heard the conversation you had with your mother, about being in love with me and not knowing what to do. the one where you cried and said i was the same girl you had always loved. she got angry with you, called you names that cut deep. and i know i am making the right choice. that i am on the right journey, as twisted and long as it is.
it would help if i had road markers but all i see are endless telephone poles, hydro poles, street lamps, and trees. over and over and over. birch, maple, spruce, birch maple spruce, powerlines, again and again.
i thought i saw a lynx the other night. i drove all night, i dont know when i slept last, a couple days ago. i sleep during the day light now. and drive all day and night as i can. but the lynx, i think it was a lynx, seemed to be following my car, in the bush, running hard to keep up. i slowed down. it slowed down. i sped up, it sped up. i thought maybe it was stalking me like prey. that it would come down the rocky embankment, and attack my car. but no, it followed for a while. and then i lost sight of it. i havent seen any person for a while either. i think i am inbetween cities. inbetween towns. theres nothing here, except bridges that take you over rivers and creeks. old rusty bridges.
my smart phone still wont charge, so i tried another payphone, this time it just rang and rang. do you think maybe you could answer the phone? or like, leave me a message on my voicemail and i can dial that next time i get to a payphone. seriously.
ok sorry i am just really tired. i will see you soon.

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