A DOGIE TAIL

Dave Smith and his wife were dog lovers or sometimes just tolerators. They had a mini wire haired dachshund of singular temperament named Millie which, like Dave, was fixated. Millies fixation was on chasing things that were thrown for her. She was insatiable in that regard be it on a walk or in the living room. What Milie was less keen on was other dogs which, whatever the breed or temperament, she greeted with a snap and a squeak. The mythology surrounding this aggression stemmed, according to Dave, from her being mugged on a woodland walk by two Westies that Dave christened Easties being a Glasgow reference. He claimed that one had a black patch around its eye and the other hit Millie over the head with an empty whiskey bottle. This story, all too often repeated, was a small indication of what constituted humour in Dave’s mind. His favourite “tail “ usually manifested itself, much to his wifes dismay and embarrassment,when, on one of their daily dog walks, he came upon some unsuspecting victim of his humour with a German Schnauzer. This aggressive breed usually responded to Millies greeting like for like motivating Dave to describe how once he had had a friend who had two very typical examples of the breed, male and female, who he had named Addie and Brownie. These two created mayhem wherever they went. Dave explained how his friend would take them to a peaceful outdoor cafe, Dave would relate, where almost exclusively dog owners sought rest and refreshment at the end of a long walk, there with their tired but fulfilled poches stretched out under the tables and within two minutes of the schnauzers arrival total noisy chaos dominated the whole area . The sleeping alsation that Addie bit on arrival jumped up and retaliated by savaging a Cocker Spaniel who he had been licking tenderly ten minutes earlier. The owner of the cocker rashly tried to intervene and was bitten by his own dog as a consequence who he then aimed a kick at. missed but did strike the rear of a very vocal Yorkie whose large and uncompromising female, unsure exactly who it was had abused her beloved, discharged some quite shocking abuse on all and sundry in the vicinity. Dave continued to relate, unfazed by his wifes and the schnauzer owners glazed eyes how by now every dog and many owners in the cafe where awake to some situation and eager to participate as vocally as they could. Being British and generally middle class no actual fights broke out amongst the owners but next day it generated a few curt emails to the Manager of the cafe.

After this the owner of Adie and Brownie determined to engage in some intense training to cure them of their aggression. Just as he felt he was succeeding, and here at last , much to his wifes relief, came the punch line, one day they both disappeared and after searching the whole house his friend finally found the pair in the cellar where one had taken cyanide and the other had shot himself.

At this conclusion to Dave’s ramble his wife was a quarter of a mile along the track on hers and the middle aged owner of the schnauzer, whose knowledge of WW2 history and Jerome K Jerome’s Montmorency was probably nil , was looking confused and shifting uneasily in the presence of this strange “nut “. He was still trying to work out if his dog and that whole bread had been deeply insulted when Dave set of in pursuit of his wife with a final “ cheers my friend “.

Two new resolutions resulted from Dave relating his joke for what his wife determined would be the last time, the first being her resolve to feign a fainting attack to distract Dave should any Schnauzer approach on future walks and the second being by the present owner to carry his binoculars with him on in future to help detect approaching “danger” to humour and take avoiding action behind the nearest bushes.

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