"Very truly I tell you, when you were younger you dressed yourself and went where you wanted; but when you are old you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will dress you and lead you where you do not want to go." John 21:8
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I couldn't dress myself. Arms ended up twisted in my shirts. My arms and neck couldn't just do it. My feet couldn't lift and slide securely into the legs of my pants. They simply refused!
I had turned into a very tired toddler. Impatient, embarrassed and weak.
I refused to question God about what happened. I cried, I threw tantrums and I sulked but not to God. I asked for strenght and mercy but not for healing. For in the midst of all this suffering I knew that this was for the greater good. He had not forsaken me. He isnt angry with me. He was simply working on me. Like that potter and clay story. He humbled me. I was nothing.
"Trust in the LORD with all your heart; And do not lean on your own understanding.
6 In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He will make your paths straight.
7 Do not be wise in your own eyes;
Fear the LORD and turn away from evil.
Proverbs 3:5-7
There was nothing left of me. The old me at least. I couldn't even formulate a propper sentence so I could complain or pray to God.
I always had faith, but did I trust Him? No.
I gave up and said whatever is Your will let it be for me as You want.
I was silent. And in this silence I learned to listen with other ears.
I got to know myself a whole lot better.
I am not as unbreakable as I thought I was. Things arnt always black and white there's a lot of grey in between.
I Thank God for grey's
So easily we jump up in church and ask for purpose. "Use me Lord"; how many times have I heard those words, and yes I've used it myself as well.
Im sleepless, clueless and generally miserable. I have people faffing running around to try and make me comfortable, make me feel important like im still part of them. But Im not.
They take me to town. Ask me if I need or want anything. Bring me things I dont want and probably cant use, but I take it and say thank you afraid of offending anybody. But most of the time I feel offended. I'm angry because I can't take my car and drive to town. Im angry because I cant go into a shop without getting lost. Im angry because if I do go somewhere people stair at my bobbing head. Im angry because the pain drives me up the walls. Im angry because I cant always remember what im angry about. Im angry angry angry!
I'm waiting for this thing to pass. This can't be a permanent thing. I'm on one moment the next my switch flips and my brain shuts down like an old tv first the blank screen then that last blip and off dead silent.
Sometimes the silence was such a blessing sometimes it still is.
I look at them, their lipps move but I cannot hear anything they say, its muffled and far far away and oh I just want to close my eyes and sleep, shut out that low muffled sounds and just sleep. Do they even know I dont understand what they are saying?
"I'm not like you"; I want to scream it. I want to howl and wine and lie on the floor in a pathetic heap! I dont want to see you all the time. Moving so eloquently, smooth pace and swinging arms. You can speak and turn your head in any direction you damn well please. I can't. Dont you understand it. I don't want to be dragged around like a pathetic little show piece. I don't want to be like this and no I don't want you to pray for me! Go away. I look at old people and I cringe! They're old, I mean isn't this supposed to be an elderly disease? They've had their life, their kids are grown having their own children to raise. I thought that, well, you're old and on your way out anyways having Parkinsons can't be such a big deal can it? What a crazy nasty thought to be entertaining and that whilst being a Christian!
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