15-June-2025: Save Data Deleted
Today is one of the saddest days I’ve ever experienced. At least I’m glad I can feel sadness now, compared to the previous months when I was so numb to emotions, feeling like I was watching myself from a distance. Anyway, I decided to start journaling. I stopped going to therapy and replaced it with more physical activities, like going to the gym and bouldering. That’s a good thing. Lately, I also feel much more attuned to myself. Progress.
I met up with Esh again today. After about four months since our last WhatsApp exchange, when I was the one who ended things and refused to fix them, I finally worked up the courage to see her again. I’m thankful she didn’t just leave me on read. She let me drop by her place, which is around two to three buses away, almost a two-hour trip from my house. Not too bad. I made up a stupid excuse about needing to return some stuff she’d left with me, but honestly, I just wanted to see her again. To confirm things, and either close the chapter or start anew.
When I saw her walking from the gate, everything I’d planned to say just vanished. My brain shut down and my emotions overwhelmed me. It’s the kind of thing even an autistic child would notice. Yep, I’m still in love with her. Maybe even more than before.
But I realized something instantly. When I looked into her eyes, how they looked at me now compared to before, I knew everything had changed. That spark was gone. It felt like I was seeing someone familiar, but not someone I really knew or was close to. That’s the worst feeling.
When I handed her the “stuff,” she was in a hurry for me to leave. It was obvious she didn’t want to drag out the charade and just wanted to get back to her new normal, the one I’m no longer a part of. I let her go at first, but it didn’t feel right. After she stepped inside the condo, I sent her a quick message, asking if she’d come down for one last talk, after which I’d never bother her again.
When we sat together in the living room near the apartment gym, my emotions flared up again. I knew this was my last chance. But when I tried to compose a single sentence, my tears fell faster than any words could come out. I didn’t know what to say. It’s been a long time since I’ve been so overcome with emotion, and it felt strange. I cried, which was embarrassing, but thankfully I managed to get my thoughts out. I apologized for everything I’d done and hadn’t done, for all the ways I wish I’d done better. For the first time in my prideful existence, I truly meant it. Looking back, I became someone I never thought I’d be. I lived as if I could get away with anything, with no effort at all. And that’s a problem with me, not with her.
I told her that not a single day had passed when I didn’t think about her. Which is true. When I wake up, I can still imagine her sleeping next to me, snoring. When I go to my local grocery store, I still remember chatting her up, asking if she wants anything, usually just fruits and coconut juice. And so on. Lastly, I told her I still love her. Despite everything. Despite all the madness and chaos of the past few months. I genuinely do. I still, and always will. But our timelines are way off now. She doesn’t have any feelings for me anymore, said she was sorry, and that she’d already accepted that the small sliver of a chance I’d hoped to grab had long since wilted.
Honestly, I wasn’t expecting anything. I didn’t expect her to easily agree to make things right again, not after I’d rejected her and hurt her even more. I didn’t reject her because I didn’t love her, but because I was scared for her. I didn’t want the version of me from before to be her partner again. Looking back, that guy is the worst human being I know. I hate that person, and even killing him ten times over wouldn’t be enough. I hated myself and worked hard to erase that rotten part of my existence, but at the end of the day, that guy is still me. And I deserve all this.
It felt like a brick to the head. It hurt, but it didn’t surprise me. I deserve it. I told her I accept it, and that I’d eventually learn to accept it fully. But how? I don’t know. Right now, time seems to have stopped again. I feel like I’m living inside a simulation. After that, I wasn’t hungry, thirsty, or tired. I just wanted to sink into the ground and lie there for the next ten years.
We spoke normally after that. Normal catch-ups, random topics, work, common friends, what happened the past three months, countries she’d visited, what we were both up to, whatever came up. It felt natural, and it made me happy, but only to a point. Boundaries had sprung up. Just friends. By 6:30 PM, I had no motivation or energy to stand up and make the two-hour commute home, but I had to. Deep down, I knew this was most likely our final, personal talk.
After we said goodbye, I walked and just cried. I didn’t care who saw. These past few months, I’ve regained almost all my self-confidence, so a little exhibitionist crying doesn’t faze me anymore. I rode the bus and sat in the back of the second floor. It hurt. It really did. Luckily, my best friend from the Philippines was still awake, the nocturnal bastard, but he’s a real one, and we called. I told him everything. Even though I still couldn’t be completely transparent with my feelings, I could tell he knew how devastated I was. I’m thankful to have a friend like him, someone I can talk to and confide in anytime. Thanks James, truly.
Esh, I still love you. I know this is dramatic, unrealistic, childish, and unremarkably dumb, but I don’t think I’ll ever get over you easily. You always told me you never felt beautiful, at least compared to my exes, who I don’t even think about unless mentioned, but to me you’re still the most beautiful girl, inside and out. You’ve changed me for the better, and I’ll never know if I can love the same way again. I can’t imagine a life without you, but if that’s what life gives us, then it is what it is. Until I get over these unearthed feelings, until I no longer zone out when a memory of us surfaces, until I no longer see you in every random place in Jervis, until I no longer cry when I’m reminded of what I lost, until then, I won’t stop writing. It could take me a lifetime for all I care, but until then, nothing fills my heart except the thought of you.
Anyway, it’s 1:53 AM. I’m here typing in this app I hastily searched for on Playstore so I can type away my thoughts. Yeah, I’ll try to be consistent with journaling. It seems to help a bit, just a tiny bit. I have in-office work tomorrow at 9, but I might just make up a bullshit excuse so I can rot in bed a little longer. Night.
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