We don't consider ourselves equal opportunity anythings, because that's not - you know, that's the beauty of fake journalism. We don't have to - we travel in fake ethics.
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But we are at war, and we here at THE DAILY SHOW will do our best to keep you informed of any late-breaking...humor we can find. Of course, our show is obviously at a disadvantage compared to the many news sources that we're competing with at a disadvantage in several respects. For one thing, we are fake. They are not. So in terms of credibility we are, well, oddly enough, actually about even. We're about even.
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If the evens of September 11, 2001, have proven anything, it's that the terrorists can attack us, but they can't take away what makes us American - our freedom, our liberty, our civil rights. No, only Attorney General John Ashcroft can do that.
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Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one? Don't eat pork? Is that the word of God, or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody? by
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The Supreme Court ruled that disabled golfer Casey Martin has a legal right to ride in a golf cart between shots at PGA Tour events. Man, the next thing you know, they're going to have some guy carry his clubs around for him.
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Hamilton, of course, shot in a duel with Aaron Burr over issues of honor, integrity and political maneuvering. Whittington? Mistaken for a bird.
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All of the delegates gave up their time to travel with her to show the world the creative face of Canada through performance, discussions and interviews in the host countries,
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He sacrificed a lot, but those sacrifices are paying off. Ryan was never handed anything except a healthy body and a pitching arm. He dreamed about being a Major League ball player. He realized those dreams with lots of hard work and dedication.
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There are so many different ways lives work out, so many stories, and every one of them is precious: full of joy and heartbreak, and a fair amount of situation comedy.
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Does anyone know...does the Christian persecution complex have an expiration date? Because...uh...you've all been in charge pretty much since...uh...what was that guys name...Constantine. He converted in, what was it, 312 A.D. I'm just saying, enjoy your success.
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There is no such thing as an impartial jury because there are no impartial people. There are people that argue on the web for hours about who their favorite character on Friends is.
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You're dealing with a show where the lead character is making the irritating and uncomfortable choice,
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I think of myself as a comedian who has the pleasure of writing jokes about things that I actually care about. And that's really it. You know, if I really wanted to enact social change� I have great respect for people who are in the front lines and the trenches of trying to enact social change. I am far lazier than that.
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Ultimately, people would respond a lot better to being treated like adults ... if politics wasn't treated like marketing,
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Why can't they have gay people in the army? Personally, I think they are just afraid of a thousand guys with M16s going, Who'd you call a faggot?
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When all else fails, make fun of Donny Osmond.
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How come they are the most excited people here? That's how you pick up an Oscar.
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Getting between him and his fans -- I don't think it's the P. I think it's the bodyguards,
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Democracy works. Against us.
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I already miss him. At 42, you don't get the opportunity to be tickled a lot.
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I am always crazy for hot women. I am like a rabbit. I could do it anytime, anywhere.
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Don't cross Lorenzo Lamas. Ever.
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No power on earth or above the bottomless pit has such influence to terrorize and make cowards of men as the liquor power. Satan could not have fallen on a more potent instrument with which to thrall the world. Alcohol is king!
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No power on earth or above the bottomless pit has such influence to terrorize and make cowards of men as the liquor power. Satan could not have fallen on a more potent instrument with which to thrall the world. Alcohol is king
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The faculty of imagination is the great spring of human activity, and the principle source of human improvement. As it delights in presenting to the mind scenes and characters more perfect than those which we are acquainted with, it prevents us from ever being completely satisfied without present condition, or with our past attainments, and engages us continually in the pursuit of some untried enjoyment, or of some ideal excellence. Destroy this faculty, and the condition of man will become as stationary as that of the brutes.
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Animals give me more pleasure through the viewfinder of a camera than they ever did in the crosshairs of a gunsight. And after I've finished 'shooting,' my unharmed victims are still around for others to enjoy. I have developed a deep respect for animals. I consider them fellow living creatures with certain rights that should not be violated any more than those of humans.
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... there are no chains so galling as the chains of ignorance—no fetters so binding as those that bind the soul, and exclude it from the vas...
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A dying man needs to die, as a sleepy man needs to sleep, and there comes a time when it is wrong, as well as useless, to resist.
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It is harder to kill a whisper than even a shouted calumny.
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A state that dwarfs its men in order that they may be more docile instruments in its hands even for beneficial purposes, will find that with small men no great things can really be accomplished.
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