Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.
Funny
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The chief value of money lies in the fact that one lives in a world in which it is overestimated.
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The opera is to music what a bawdy house is to a cathedral.
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Opera in English is, in the main, just about as sensible as baseball in Italian.
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It is inaccurate to say that I hate everything. I am strongly in favor of common sense, common honesty, and common decency. This makes me forever ineligible for public office.
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Whenever a husband and wife begin to discuss their marriage they are giving evidence at a coroner's inquest.
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The world always makes the assumption that the exposure of an error is identical with the discovery of truth--that the error and truth are simply opposite. They are nothing of the sort. What the world turns to, when it is cured on one error, is usually simply another error, and maybe one worse than the first one.
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For it is mutual trust, even more than mutual interest that holds human associations together. Our friends seldom profit us but they make us feel safe... Marriage is a scheme to accomplish exactly that same end.
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An idealist is one who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup.
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A national political campaign is better than the best circus ever heard of, with a mass baptism and a couple of hangings thrown in.
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A celebrity is one who is known to many persons he is glad he doesn't know.
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A Sunday school is a prison in which children do penance for the evil conscience of their parents.
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The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.
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Thanksgiving Day is a day devoted by persons with inflammatory rheumatism to thanking a loving Father that it is not hydrophobia.
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A man always remembers his first love with special tenderness, but after that he begins to bunch them.
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The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.
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Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends.
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There is nothing worse than an idle hour, with no occupation offering. People who have many such hours are simply animals waiting docilely for death. We all come to that state soon or late. It is the curse of senility.
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A judge is a law student who marks their own examination papers.
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The one permanent emotion of the inferior man is fear - fear of the unknown, the complex, the inexplicable. What he wants above everything else is safety.
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Men have a much better time of it than women. For one thing, they marry later, for another thing, they die earlier.
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All men are frauds. The only difference between them is that some admit it. I myself deny it.
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The basic fact about human existence is not that it is a tragedy, but that it is a bore. It is not so much a war as an endless standing in line.
Life
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The chief contribution of Protestantism to human thought is its massive proof that God is a bore.
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The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.
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It is impossible to imagine Goethe or Beethoven being good at billiards or golf.
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The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly greater than that of any other animal.
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It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.
Funny
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There is no record in history of a happy philosopher.
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The only really happy folk are married women and single men.
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