Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.
Funny
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For it is mutual trust, even more than mutual interest that holds human associations together. Our friends seldom profit us but they make us feel safe... Marriage is a scheme to accomplish exactly that same end.
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Whenever a husband and wife begin to discuss their marriage they are giving evidence at a coroner's inquest.
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An idealist is one who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup.
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Opera in English is, in the main, just about as sensible as baseball in Italian.
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A national political campaign is better than the best circus ever heard of, with a mass baptism and a couple of hangings thrown in.
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A Sunday school is a prison in which children do penance for the evil conscience of their parents.
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The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.
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The opera is to music what a bawdy house is to a cathedral.
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The chief value of money lies in the fact that one lives in a world in which it is overestimated.
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A celebrity is one who is known to many persons he is glad he doesn't know.
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A man always remembers his first love with special tenderness, but after that he begins to bunch them.
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Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends.
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It is inaccurate to say that I hate everything. I am strongly in favor of common sense, common honesty, and common decency. This makes me forever ineligible for public office.
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The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly greater than that of any other animal.
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The chief contribution of Protestantism to human thought is its massive proof that God is a bore.
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There is no record in history of a happy philosopher.
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The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.
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It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.
Funny
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All men are frauds. The only difference between them is that some admit it. I myself deny it.
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The world always makes the assumption that the exposure of an error is identical with the discovery of truth--that the error and truth are simply opposite. They are nothing of the sort. What the world turns to, when it is cured on one error, is usually simply another error, and maybe one worse than the first one.
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The one permanent emotion of the inferior man is fear - fear of the unknown, the complex, the inexplicable. What he wants above everything else is safety.
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The evidence of the emotions, save in cases where it has strong objective support, is really no evidence at all, for every recognizable emotion has its opposite, and if one points one way then another points the other way. Thus the familiar argument that there is an instinctive desire for immortality, and that this desire proves it to be a fact, becomes puerile when it is recalled that there is also a powerful and widespread fear of annihilation, and that this fear, on the same principle proves that there is nothing beyond the grave. Such childish proofs are typically theological, and they remain theological even when they are adduced by men who like to flatter themselves by believing that they are scientific gents...
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There is nothing worse than an idle hour, with no occupation offering. People who have many such hours are simply animals waiting docilely for death. We all come to that state soon or late. It is the curse of senility.
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The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.
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Thanksgiving Day is a day devoted by persons with inflammatory rheumatism to thanking a loving Father that it is not hydrophobia.
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The basic fact about human existence is not that it is a tragedy, but that it is a bore. It is not so much a war as an endless standing in line.
Life
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A judge is a law student who marks their own examination papers.
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Every man is thoroughly happy twice in his life: just after he has met his first love, and just after he has left his last one.
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It is impossible to imagine Goethe or Beethoven being good at billiards or golf.
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