Sometimes I just need to write.

My whole life has been an exercise of survival. I never really had the opportunity to succeed in the world. Went from a pretty massive economic recession in my early twenties, Covid in my thirties, record inflation, tariffs now. I worked my whole life. I tried publishing a book with no idea how to sell or promote the book. That was a terrible idea honestly, but I just couldn't help it. That was the second time I attempted to invest in my writing. The first time was a coffee paper in my hometown. It failed because my business partner had a drug addiction and was spendingthe profitswe had managed. I conceded my investment and cut my losses. I just can't help it. Especially when facing such terrible depression. For me, writing is often the only expression I have. Last few years things have been unstable, and have only gradually gotten worse. I'm sitting here writing this blog, because largely it's all that I can do at the moment. I lost everything in 2019 after self publishing my first novella. Going broke and losing my house wasn't related to the book. The place I'd worked in Saskatchewan had been stealing the payroll taxes and got into a fair bit of trouble for that. I never really recovered from suddenly losing my job and my home. Even six years later and at significantly higher wages, I could only afford a room and to pay my bills in Vancouver. I love art, music, literature, poetry. Sometimes, I just need to write. I need that because I don't really have anything else left. This time around I'm writing a science fiction novel. Try a free publishing, or maybe try submitting the manuscript to traditional publishing this time. I always made good decisions, was frugal, worked hard. I can't believe how impossibly difficult the world has become. If you're struggling out there, you're not alone. I hope for your success, and I hope whatever God is out there blesses you. It's easy to become sour or jaded in life. It's not so easy to keep going. I lost my home, all my possessions, my cat, my dog. I lost two careers. I've been homeless twice. No drug addictions and the last time still fully employed. Landlord evicted us to move in and couldn't save enough to cover a new place after notice was given. Medical problems drained my savings just before getting the letter. I tried killing myself last September, I'd been struggling after I found a new place to live. I'd been about on the streets for about two months. Tried cutting my throat with a hospital window and gave myself seventeen stitches. Still not entirely sure how I lost control. Some kind of mental health episode. I don't drink or do drugs. Just stress and poor diet on top of very physically demanding occupation. I can't seem to get past the emotional turmoil of my more recent experiences. Just an endless cycle of loss I've been facing the last seven years. Feels like I have no control over my own life. I try making the right decisions, and I still end up at the mercy of people who just don't care. People who locally feel threatened by me in the work place, and also globally at the mercy of politicians who've never struggled to buy simple bread. Imagine working 40-60 hours a week at $30 an hour and still ending up homeless. It wasn't for lack of trying or capability. I held my employment till I put myself in the hospital. Truthfully I'm not sure my situation has really improved either. If you'll excuse me, I'm going pray on this blog for a minute. Can't say having faith in God and the divine has ever really improved my situation, but at the same time I can't see how it counts make it any worse. Dear father in heaven forgive me, for I have squandered many days, and lost many more to my faithless actions. Forgive me for worshipping outside the trinity. Forgive me for being weak and exalting only myself in my actions. Lord please watch over those who suffer and are powerless to change that on their own. Dear lord in heaven, please just give me the strength to keep going. Tomorrow is another day, and I just pray that something good happens. I've seen people being nothing but terrible to each other the last decade, and for whatever reason, I'm still here after trying to end it twice now. I'm about fed up with the evil in the world and all I have left is hope you'll find mercy for humanity. Mercy on us all. Amen I'm not sure if I feel better. But I can say with that, I've tried everything now. I surrender my pride, my ego, and I just have to try find peace with what is.