IF I WOULD HAVE KNOWN
When you're so low you have to reach up just to touch bottom.
Then when you've reached the bottom you still have to climb higher to reach the top.
This is what having depression feels like.
You see no end, unless you end.
There is no strength left within you to climb any higher, so you stay at the bottom.
Then you start blaming yourself for being weak, you also feel guilty.
Because of the recycled garbage you hold inside, which is called rumanation, it makes you feel like the garbage truck is always following you around.
There is a tiredness that reaches for your soul. You succumb to the exhaustion and sleep. You can't eat, or you self harm by cutting, or you eat too much, or you drink to excessiveness. You feel these actions are comforting, this is called escapism.
Then you blame yourself for all your past mistakes, you feel that forgiveness is not warranted and that second chances aren't deserving.
This is when you withdraw, from family, from friends, from life. You wish for a swift death to end your pain, you think of ways to make that happen. These thoughts are called suicidal ideation.
I'm sorry, please forgive me, it was not your fault, these were your last words written on paper and left behind for your loved ones to find.
They all feel guilty for not knowing you needed intervention, help and encouragement. They will carry their own guilt throughout their days for not saving you. This is called suffering.
Copyright © Vickie Hurtt - Thayer | Year Posted 2025
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