Ugly
Don’t know when it started….freshman year?
I look in the mirror
See….fat
Hanging
Bulges
UGLY
UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY
UGLY
Remembering the food….calories….sugar….fat
Passing my lips….
Leading down my throat
Into my stomach….onto my hips….my face…my stomach…my arms…my legs
UGLY
Next day, no food….hardly any water….
Stomach is growling….I don’t care.
Killing myself….I don’t care. All I want is to be…
Pretty.
Two weeks later….friends are suspicious. I had a big lunch/breakfast/dinner. I’m not hungry.
My stomach protests…I don’t care.
I’m caught…I give up. I’m weak.
Food passes my lips…
Leading down my throat
Into my stomach…I protest. Too weak to care. I eat.
Sophmore year. I look in the mirror.
I see….fat.
Skin hanging
An extra set of boobs on my sides
Bulging under my clothes….tags getting larger along with my waistline.
I am fat. I am ugly. Like twins they go together…fat and ugly. Ugly and fat.
UGLY
I refuse to eat…I pretend I am full. Move food around, no one will notice?
Stomach growls but I fight back…killing my body but I don’t care…I want to be skinny.
I want to be pretty.
If I am skinny, I am pretty. Like twins they go together…pretty and skinny, skinny and pretty.
I am neither. I am not pretty. I am not skinny.
I am FAT. I am UGLY.
FAT.
UGLY.
I step on the scale. I have lost five pounds. Success.
I reward myself by not eating for another week. Three pounds are back…I hate myself.
I look in the mirror. I am still fat. I am still ugly.
My friends see the dark circles. They know I’m not eating. Some say something…I ignore them.
I’m scared. I’m lost…but I don’t care. I am still UGLY. Fat and UGLY.
I’m running…trying to lose weight faster…I want to be skinny.
Dark edges around my eyes. I don’t care.
Head is spinning. I don’t care.
Breathing is labored. I don’t care.
I WANT TO BE SKINNY.
My friend finally confronts me. If I don’t stop…she will tell someone. I care. I do.
I’m scared.
Food passes my lips. I hate myself.
Weight is still dropping…I find myself eating again.
Yet…always lingers. I look in the mirror…I see…
Fat….UGLY
Junior year. Eating again. Sometimes skipping meals...trying not to go back.
Constantly an option in my ear when I step on the scale…
Look in the mirror….
And don’t like what I see.
I fight it. I want to be strong.
I force myself to eat…it comes back.
I begin to skip meals…watch the scale drop.
Along with my self esteem….again….
Friends are fighting with me, I miss them…I am constantly on the verge of tears…
The only thing I can control anymore is the food…I can stop it from passing my lips.
I may not be sleeping but at least I’m not gaining weight.
I look in the mirror. I want to see me. Instead all I see is what I need to lose…what I’ve always seen.
What she used to say to me….
A few more pounds…maybe then I won’t be…fat.
UGLY
I open my mouth…it all pours out. I open my computer…the words arrange themselves.
Tears at the truth. I am sick….but I am not
FAT.
I am not
UGLY
I refuse to hate myself. I refuse to hurt myself.
I WANT TO BE PRETTY.
But that is not the way to be.
No more. No more pain…no more starving. I will be strong. I am not weak.
I look in the mirror. I stare past my reflection and I fight the demons…
I am not fat. I am not ugly.
I will change. For my friends who love me.
For my family.
For me.
Copyright © Leann Oreilly | Year Posted 2013
|