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Leann Oreilly Poem
Don’t know when it started….freshman year?
I look in the mirror
See….fat
Hanging
Bulges
UGLY
UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY
UGLY
Remembering the food….calories….sugar….fat
Passing my lips….
Leading down my throat
Into my stomach….onto my hips….my face…my stomach…my arms…my legs
UGLY
Next day, no food….hardly any water….
Stomach is growling….I don’t care.
Killing myself….I don’t care. All I want is to be…
Pretty.
Two weeks later….friends are suspicious. I had a big lunch/breakfast/dinner. I’m not hungry.
My stomach protests…I don’t care.
I’m caught…I give up. I’m weak.
Food passes my lips…
Leading down my throat
Into my stomach…I protest. Too weak to care. I eat.
Sophmore year. I look in the mirror.
I see….fat.
Skin hanging
An extra set of boobs on my sides
Bulging under my clothes….tags getting larger along with my waistline.
I am fat. I am ugly. Like twins they go together…fat and ugly. Ugly and fat.
UGLY
I refuse to eat…I pretend I am full. Move food around, no one will notice?
Stomach growls but I fight back…killing my body but I don’t care…I want to be skinny.
I want to be pretty.
If I am skinny, I am pretty. Like twins they go together…pretty and skinny, skinny and pretty.
I am neither. I am not pretty. I am not skinny.
I am FAT. I am UGLY.
FAT.
UGLY.
I step on the scale. I have lost five pounds. Success.
I reward myself by not eating for another week. Three pounds are back…I hate myself.
I look in the mirror. I am still fat. I am still ugly.
My friends see the dark circles. They know I’m not eating. Some say something…I ignore them.
I’m scared. I’m lost…but I don’t care. I am still UGLY. Fat and UGLY.
I’m running…trying to lose weight faster…I want to be skinny.
Dark edges around my eyes. I don’t care.
Head is spinning. I don’t care.
Breathing is labored. I don’t care.
I WANT TO BE SKINNY.
My friend finally confronts me. If I don’t stop…she will tell someone. I care. I do.
I’m scared.
Food passes my lips. I hate myself.
Weight is still dropping…I find myself eating again.
Yet…always lingers. I look in the mirror…I see…
Fat….UGLY
Junior year. Eating again. Sometimes skipping meals...trying not to go back.
Constantly an option in my ear when I step on the scale…
Look in the mirror….
And don’t like what I see.
I fight it. I want to be strong.
I force myself to eat…it comes back.
I begin to skip meals…watch the scale drop.
Along with my self esteem….again….
Friends are fighting with me, I miss them…I am constantly on the verge of tears…
The only thing I can control anymore is the food…I can stop it from passing my lips.
I may not be sleeping but at least I’m not gaining weight.
I look in the mirror. I want to see me. Instead all I see is what I need to lose…what I’ve always seen.
What she used to say to me….
A few more pounds…maybe then I won’t be…fat.
UGLY
I open my mouth…it all pours out. I open my computer…the words arrange themselves.
Tears at the truth. I am sick….but I am not
FAT.
I am not
UGLY
I refuse to hate myself. I refuse to hurt myself.
I WANT TO BE PRETTY.
But that is not the way to be.
No more. No more pain…no more starving. I will be strong. I am not weak.
I look in the mirror. I stare past my reflection and I fight the demons…
I am not fat. I am not ugly.
I will change. For my friends who love me.
For my family.
For me.
Copyright © Leann Oreilly | Year Posted 2013
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Details |
Leann Oreilly Poem
How could you be so chaste
leaving me by myself to waste
Letting me rot away inside
like some hidden away lie
White lies black truths
Closed mouth
Ears
Eyes
To the injustice of a life taken away by the string leading to a master
Puppeteer
A disguiser whose costumes fool the innocent soul
Only to steal them away before the heart can break completely
Deteriorated inside
Mind numb and cracking
Fingers pulling at hair trying to feel
Trying to hurt
Any pain is better than nothing
Any pain in better than breaking down
The resounding hums of your words sink into my ears
Follow through with your talk
Hands strike out and secrets are made
Hid behind a false charade
And the shadows of people stare
But no one dares to become real for even a moment to intervene
Not their place to get between
The master and his slave
Sold by self to the highest bidder
Promises of happily ever after shattered by the reality of love
Contorted and twisted
This can’t be real love
But it’s the only love I’ve ever known
So I accept my fate and submit to the side effects of a choice
A path not well chosen
Guilt lay squarely on my own shoulders
Crumbling under the pressure of stares and words
Marks I can hide but as I die slowly from the inside I wonder if
Hiding is really worth the effort
Energy put into a smile
Acting as if my heart is still within me
Rather than attached to my beloved
As he walks away without looking back
I fall to my knees and plead, hoping for even a sign of regret
I know he isn’t a knight in shining armor
But he is my savior from myself, my prince charming
All decked out in hellfire
Leaving bruises where his caress leads, leaving cuts upon his anger
Unsure of where I stand any given moment
I know this isn’t a life I always dreamed
No tale Disney worthy
but when it’s what you need to feel wanted
the want wants and leaves you wanting more
more touch
more heat
more fire
more feeling
even if it’s pain
because the pain is only out of love
whispers flitter past but I am deaf and he is disappearing slowly out of my vision
disapating from my mind
as surely as he came
picking up the broken doll I was
he left
leaving behind the broken pieces even more tarnished
Copyright © Leann Oreilly | Year Posted 2013
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