The Chaos of Moods
8 a.m.,
I lock myself in my bedroom, I start to pray for better days
I silently scream I’m sorry, to the mirror
I silently scream to my dad, I’m sorry
I’m sorry to my sibling for my sudden outburst.
I’m sorry.
Take your medicine, they say
But I hate taking my medicine, it’s like
I’m dependent on a pill to balance the chemicals
In my brain that should balance itself,
It’s useless.
Its useless to explain, it’s useless to explain to them
That I can’t control it,
I don’t know how to live with it,
I’m terrified.
I’m terrified to go out in public,
That I might snap at the lady behind the counter
Because she hasn’t gave me my change,
She’s just doing her job, she’s trying to get by,
Suicide.
Suicide could be the answer, I can live in peace,
Put the gun against my head, for
I am a bomb, that’s waiting to explode
And demolish everything in my quake, but
I imagine.
I imagine that I am a phoenix, rising from the ashes
That I have just demolished, I am a phoenix
That does not does not care, I am a phoenix
But that is not true.
I am not a phoenix, I am a scared little girl
hiding from the monster that is staring back at me,
I am the monster, the monster that hides in her room,
The monster that gets angry and sad, by a drop of a hat
A monster that laughs then worries, a monster
That is haunted by the things she has done
Because of her mental disorder,
I am a monster.
Misunderstood, I am misunderstood
By almost everyone around me
Mom doesn’t understand by sudden outbursts, she says
I can help it
I am misunderstood, at least
I am somewhat understood, dad understands me
I cry to him that I am not myself, I take it out on him
I don’t mean to,
This where the silent screams come in, I’m so sorry
Please forgive me,
Help.
I need help, I’m being swallowed by the pain that’s inside
As though boiling in the pot of water, my anger
My hatred for the world ensues
No, I love my life, the adventures
The people, I love them
I am sad now, I cry, I am frustrated
No, I am confused, I overthink
What should I do?
Pain.
I feel pain now, with pain
Comes depression, I am depressed
I am in bed, I stay there until noon,
NO
Stop!
I am happy.
Happiness, sad, anger, pain, depression
The routine starts over, but not in that order
Pain, anger, sadness, happy, depression
Anger, sadness, pain, depression, happy
Anger, sad, happy
Starts again.
Happy, anger, sad, pain,
Starts again
Sad, anger, happy, pain
Starts again
Depression, happy, sad,
Starts again
Anger, sad, depression, panic, happy.
Starts again,
Numb.
Copyright © Sara Russell | Year Posted 2022
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