What Even Am I
What even
Never began to trust a stranger so much
Damn it was only two weeks tho
It wasn’t love
Nahhh
But damn, sure could’ve been
Coulda been a lot
Didn’t even think of it like that, wasn’t going to
Was just chillin
But then “love” was mentioned for a second
no lol
But could it turn out like that?
Maybe
Thought so
Lol
Now I feel retarded
Guards down, hopes up
Even though i never imagined that happening
Never planned to feel like after explaining to him how someone else made you feel the same exact way
Why am I so scarred from the littlest
Why do feel myself overreacting
SO damn much on the inside, but act cool on the outside
Appear normal to him, to everyone
Can’t talk to friends tho, don’t wanna seem crazy
I’m crying? Why?
Oh, cuz I’m overthinking
But why would it be like this
he told me so much positive that I wouldn’t think about the negatives with him
Ahhhhhh that’s when my guard fell
I ing see it now;
“I don’t want either of us to get hurt.. I have feelings too”
And I’m not the one who ing said that
Believed it though
Because it’s true, we all have feelings
But how good are you at hiding them
I’m terrible right now, but that’s why I’m not telling anyone
Damn, all he did was ghost me
For a day??
Lol, I’m tweaking so hard
We had plans tho, this isn’t what it should be and I’m wondering why is it so different
We talk 24/7
FaceTime
Texts
Snaps
Not today
I’m so beautiful
I’m so smart
I’m so funny
I’m so energetic
Sure don’t feel like that tho, clearly I’m not enough
Should’ve in known
It’s just sad because they don’t know how much hurt they can cause you
Over something so little
So damn weak for this
Why
What the
This isn’t me
After only two and a half weeks
But still
What even
HA he replied
11PM
“I smoked again today, was KO’d”
COOL
that
I’ve been going through all this
Crying
Typing
Faking
Loneliness
While you were “sleeping”
While you were high
Pissed.
I went through all this ^^^ while you were too high to text back, or too high to care about responding
While I was crying
Which btw, why??
I don’t need to
So damn emotional, WTF
I’m not like this
What is this
I know I’m strong
I did stay strong the majority of the time, though
But as it got later and later
I allowed myself to break
Let the thoughts creep in that I kept pushing out
“He would talk to you if he wanted to, but he doesn’t want to”
“You’re not different, he’d wanna talk to you if that were the case”
“Lol, you thought.”
It’s crazy because I in hold myself with poise and nobody in knows.
And then I hold myself with anger, because I can’t pretend to be happy when I’m sad.
I think, why am I such a happy person? that.
being happy, when I’m so sad.
I just can’t comprehend how I’m so happy all the time, when I’m so sad in this moment.
That’s when I just say
everything
Copyright © Kendahl Overbeck | Year Posted 2018
|