Details |
Caty Rose Poem
It is hard to explain the thoughts that run through my mind or the feelings that run through my soul,
It is hard to explain the emptiness I feel; it is hard to remember the last time I felt whole.
Do you know how it feels to only care about gathering knowledge but having no motivation to pick up any books?
To once do everything you could to be beautiful but then loose interest in your looks?
Do you know what it’s like to feel constantly bored like there is nothing in the world that could possibly keep you sane?
Have you ever felt the constant misery that drags you down leaving you with a cloud over your head that always seems to rain?
Have you ever felt so special until your world was torn apart?
Do you know how it feels knowing your best friend broke your heart?
What about the feeling of abandonment where your two favorite people take off when your breaking down?
How about trying to face the world with a fake smile when on the inside it’s a frown?
I no longer know how to socialize the thought of trusting people makes me scared,
There was a time when I loved meeting new people, it felt great knowing so many people cared.
After having everybody who pretended to love me walk out the door,
I forgot how to have friends I don’t even know who I am anymore.
I then found something, something that seemed to be the answer to making me feel okay,
something that seemed so trustworthy and it promised to always stay.
It destroyed my family and forced me to starve but that didn’t matter to me,
It was making me skinnier and took away my misery.
It gave me a rush that I’m not sure anybody could understand,
It stopped me from drowning; it brought me back to land.
Now I’ve found a person who I love so much more but he wants me to say goodbye to my new friend,
I don’t want to say goodbye it promised until the end.
I don’t want to let it go, it makes me feel alive,
It helped me through my darkest days; it helped me to survive.
Although I still feel numb, reality scares me and my thoughts do as well,
I’m always so unhappy which makes me so angry that I can’t help but yell.
I always feel so empty like the main part of me is dead,
I’ve forgotten my interests; And how to have fun, all I want to do is play games in bed.
After suffering a depressive episode and you forgot who you were it is unlikely you will ever be the same,
I guess destroying the humanity in a girl is gods idea of a game.
It’s been many years since I started searching for who I used to be,
I’ve asked everybody I used to know but I’m not the only one who doesn’t remember me.
I may have forgotten who I am and all the stuff I used to do but I do know that I’m strong,
I’ve had the decision between life and death and I lived through this downwards spiral; suicide is wrong.
I don’t expect you to understand; the full story is to complicated for me to explain,
But this story is a true story of a girl and self inflicted pain.
Copyright © Caty Rose | Year Posted 2018
|
Details |
Caty Rose Poem
i can`t escape the screaming voices; all the thoughts inside my head.?
I know they are only there to remind me of everything I’ve broken and of the stupid things I’ve said.
?But they also try so hard to convince me I have no point in fighting; I’ve already lost this war.
?They tell me that that nobody could ever love a fat, self centred whore
?give up on make up and trying to fit in?
Only fear, disappointment and lies live within your skin.?
Your not the same person that people enjoyed being around or that people wanted to know.?
No matter how hard you try, you will never be as happy as you were all those years ago.
Copyright © Caty Rose | Year Posted 2018
|
Details |
Caty Rose Poem
I've spent the last 7 years trying to find a cure for whatever's wrong with me
The sickness in my head and heart that nobody else can see
The sickness that caused a craving for something i could never find
A sickness that escalated every emotion in my heart and mind
People thought I was attention seeking and completely insane
But what they didn't know is I only did those stupid things as a way to deal with pain
My heart aches for something to fill an empty feeling that won't go away
My brain aches for answers about why I turned out this way
My family gave me the strength and faith to make it through my teenage years
My mum and dad were always there to protect me from my fears
My sisters were there for me too But thought my choices were wrong
I was always to jealous to keep our relationships strong
My relationships have always hurt me and I ended up in pain
They all told me to go kill myself like my emotions were just a game
It didn't matter how many people loved me it was still never enough
So instead of loving people I started loving stuff
I started loving computers, mobiles and everything I could get
I got credit cards and loans I put myself in so much debt
Still the empty feeling was taking over every aspect of my life
Erasing my ability to feel happiness at all and putting me in strife
My family thinks I'm getting better but what they do not know
Is when I am around them I do not let my sadness show
I try not to show my boyfriend but It's too painful to keep my feelings in
So now along with misery and anger i feel guilt for the way I've treated him
How do I know if it's worth it the amount I always try
Maybe this pain will never end, maybe I deserve to die
My diagnosis says my brain was under developed so now I can't deal with pain
I also can't deal with being alone I was destined to turn out insane
I was destined for money problems and drug addiction too
My sickness controls everything in my life, everything I do
I wish My brain couldn't Think and my heart couldn't feel
Maybe feeling nothing would would allow me to heal
My diagnosis says it's not likely to recover so I know I won't be fine
My diagnosis says everything will hurt me, There is no hope for a borderline.
Copyright © Caty Rose | Year Posted 2018
|