No Hope For a Borderline

I've spent the last 7 years trying to find a cure for whatever's wrong with me The sickness in my head and heart that nobody else can see The sickness that caused a craving for something i could never find A sickness that escalated every emotion in my heart and mind People thought I was attention seeking and completely insane But what they didn't know is I only did those stupid things as a way to deal with pain My heart aches for something to fill an empty feeling that won't go away My brain aches for answers about why I turned out this way My family gave me the strength and faith to make it through my teenage years My mum and dad were always there to protect me from my fears My sisters were there for me too But thought my choices were wrong I was always to jealous to keep our relationships strong My relationships have always hurt me and I ended up in pain They all told me to go kill myself like my emotions were just a game It didn't matter how many people loved me it was still never enough So instead of loving people I started loving stuff I started loving computers, mobiles and everything I could get I got credit cards and loans I put myself in so much debt Still the empty feeling was taking over every aspect of my life Erasing my ability to feel happiness at all and putting me in strife My family thinks I'm getting better but what they do not know Is when I am around them I do not let my sadness show I try not to show my boyfriend but It's too painful to keep my feelings in So now along with misery and anger i feel guilt for the way I've treated him How do I know if it's worth it the amount I always try Maybe this pain will never end, maybe I deserve to die My diagnosis says my brain was under developed so now I can't deal with pain I also can't deal with being alone I was destined to turn out insane I was destined for money problems and drug addiction too My sickness controls everything in my life, everything I do I wish My brain couldn't Think and my heart couldn't feel Maybe feeling nothing would would allow me to heal My diagnosis says it's not likely to recover so I know I won't be fine My diagnosis says everything will hurt me, There is no hope for a borderline.