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Amanda Pearson Poem
Legs shaking standing on the edge,
as I feel the strap tighten around my neck,
I can hear myself struggle to breathe,
It brings me comfort to know soon I’ll be at ease,
From the darkness surrounding the demons are near,
They can smell my pain, my sorrow and fear,
They feed off my soul the happiness undone,
Unraveled like yarn, with them I’m not shunned,
“Everything will be okay” I whisper to myself,
I rub my shaking arms, and calm everything else,
I beg for forgiveness from the vessel I’m in,
This poor body of mine has done nothing but try,
Its instinct is survival and it’s helped me all this time,
And here I stood, about to have it buried in the ground,
My mind battled my body, telling it to let go,
“Stop gripping the rope and step ever so slow”
As much as I tried my body fought hard,
It wanted to live, playing every last card,
No amount of consoling my heart would it stop,
Begging me to step back to give tomorrow a chance,
The pain of betrayal from your own mind,
Is one beyond comprehension since then I would find,
My leg quivering, stepped forward, and hovered in the air,
Just one more leg to go and the pain would disappear,
My body screamed with everything it had,
My heart raced, tears flooded my eyes,
What could it do when it wanted to live?
All it kept begging is “what if, just what if?!”
While the mind controlling it, decided it’s fate,
My audience grew anxious, as it became late,
They laughed and they cheered they screamed and they sneered,
Some telling me I was worthless and much better off,
Others helping me through it instead of trying to shove,
Saying things like “If you do it then we can be friends, we can hangout, it’s hardly an end”
I stood on one foot waiting to lose all of my balance,
I wouldn’t have to step or force myself to jump,
It would just happen, and that’s what I want,
As the silence grew heavy with each passing second,
My body was pacing daring to let it,
This tired-some game I played every night,
Had to end at some point, I was done with this fight,
I can’t trust my mind, over half of the time,
I was alone in this battle knowing I’d lose,
They held on to me tight and then made me choose,
I can’t win against an army with one sword in hand,
I surrendered on my knees when I could no longer stand,
I begged death come painless, and wanted it swiftly,
No panic or fear, just quick and quite deadly,
But the longer I stood with my foot hovering the ground,
Gravity won by pulling me down,
And as the strap tightened and I gasped my last breath,
“I’m sorry” I muttered as I took my last step.
Copyright © Amanda Pearson | Year Posted 2017
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