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Ashley Gonzalez Poem
Fight
I’d fight for you, you know. But I know you aren’t asking that of me. So I’ll be here for you, to fight beside your side if you need me. Because you shouldn’t have to shoulder all this by yourself.
These moments where everything seems like it’s against you. Even your thoughts and emotions. You don’t deserve them.
But they will happen. Especially the latter. Your mind working against you, digging claws into your skin, ready and willing to tear you apart. And what should that matter when you’ve had blood on your own hands before? I won’t tell you pretty words just to brush that under the rug.
You. Dear youngling. Get out of that headspace of yours, get away from whatever is bringing you down. Place your headphones over your head, blast music into your ears. Make art. Rip paper apart. Whatever can get those feelings out without hurting yourself or anyone else.
Listen to me. You are so much more than you know. You are beauty and brains. Kindness and soul. Strength and bravery. Sass and sarcasm. You are not alone. And even if you don’t believe that, look up at the stars that will tell you how not alone you are because you are one with them. Young stardust trying to make its way. Don’t let your mind twist that. Don’t let anyone tell you differently, and that even includes that voice in the back of your head that whispers all those hurtful lies.
Don’t let anyone make you feel inferior. Don’t give up that power to ANYONE.
This moment will pass. You will get through it. You have the means to, you just have to realize it. You have to aim to kill, darling. Silence those bad thoughts. Shut the voices in your head or from others up.
Shoulders back, chin up, take a deep breath, focus, you’ve got this. You are strong, you are a warrior, you can go for the gold, you have bravery running through you, you are bloodthirsty.
Tear down the idea that you are unworthy, not enough, that you can’t be this or that, that you need to lose weight, or change yourself in such extreme ways.
And if you need to stop and take a breath from that fight. Gain some stability. Have a hand to hold. I’m here for you, always. And if you need me to pick up my sword and fight for you or watch your back, you know I will.
I will go down kicking and screaming in the fight for you to break away from these feelings that plague you from time to time if need be.
Copyright © Ashley Gonzalez | Year Posted 2016
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Ashley Gonzalez Poem
Now that I am eighteen years old I have learned two things. Number one, I will not let words define me, I define myself. Number two, I will never raise my future children under these misogynistic terms. If I have a girl who likes to wear boy clothing I will let her become her own person. If I have a boy who is sentimental I will never tell him the term that since he is a boy he isn't allowed to cry.
I may have been raised to believe that women are only meant to stay in a kitchen but I refuse to believe it. Women are meant to do wonders, women are meant to fight. Whether it be on frontier borders of war, or battling politicians. But women are not meant for kitchens and childbirth, I refuse to believe it.
Copyright © Ashley Gonzalez | Year Posted 2016
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Ashley Gonzalez Poem
Happy Fathers Day,
Upsetting Reminder That You Left Day,
I can’t keep doing this, I can’t keep hoping that one day you’ll change. That you’re gonna come back for me. You promised you’d be there for birthdays, but I’ve spent the last 14 blowing out candles only wishing for you, Dad. I can’t let you back into my heart, my life, only for you to destroy every wall I built around myself. I’m sick and tired of being afraid every time someone walks into my damn life that they’ll just become another you. That everyone’s gonna leave so carelessly without even saying a goodbye, just like you did. I’m tired of never believing I could be enough for anyone because dammit Dad, I was never enough for you, so who else is gonna want me?
Copyright © Ashley Gonzalez | Year Posted 2016
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Ashley Gonzalez Poem
Sometimes I feel like I just can’t breath? and I am holding my breath with anticipation of you leaving?
You see, no one ever seems to stay for long?
and I relive the past to figure out what I’m doing wrong?
I’ve been told that I push people away?
so forgive me if things turn out that way?and if I ever seem distant?
I’m sorry
?I don’t mean to be ?but I know far too well the pain of losing someone insantly?
I can’t help but feel like there’s a great difficulty in being with me?
I can’t even say “I love you” without stuttering?
I have to say it several times?
not for your reassurance, but mine?To let it sink in so I know if I really mean it?
and if it’s okay to say this time?
But my greatest fear is making someone my everything?
only to fall in love with a dream instead of reality?
I am in love with the idea of being in love?
and without consistency that love is not enough?
Maybe I’m just stuck because everyone forgets me?
but I can never forget anybody
?I still feel my skin burning and I still feel my heart hurting ?and most nights I lie awake terrified that it’s going to kill me?
My hope is that later on down the road I can look back and know?
that I said everything I had to say to you before I watched you go?
Even more so I hope you’re able to stay?
But I am fully aware of the fact that things can’t always go my way
Copyright © Ashley Gonzalez | Year Posted 2016
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Ashley Gonzalez Poem
It really was inevitable, that I was going to have boy characteristics in my personality that stood out more prominently than those of female. At the time I had two older brothers, and four that would eventually come and join the family. Saying that, my mom really shouldn't have been surprised when I didn't prefer barbie dolls over action figures. Or when I hated the itchy fabric that seemed to only be sewn into pink dresses.
My earliest sense of disappointment was on my sixth birthday. For months I had been expressing to my family how much I wanted the limited edition G.I. Joe action figure set. Similar to every year, a neatly wrapped pink box with a white bow on top was placed into my lap. My excitement was unlike any other, until I opened the box of course. Inside the box was a cook with me barbie with bleach blonde hair and a make-up set of lip glosses. Instead of being angry and throwing a tantrum, I started to cry. I cried not only because I hadn't gotten what I wanted, but I didn't understand why I hadn't gotten it. Later that night I asked my mom why I hadn't gotten the G.I. Joe set, she kissed my forehead softly and simply told me "Cause they just aren't for girls."
When I was seven years old, I was placed into etiquette classes. Mainly because my father and mother believed that every young girl should know how to be a lady. I would never cooperate with the regulations given to me by teachers. I would always be scolded because of my impoliteness towards others, and rude remarks that spewed out of my mouth. In my mind I never wanted to be anything those teachers taught me, I wanted to be my own person. I wanted to have a voice in what my life was planned out to do. Whenever I spoke to my parents about not wanting to go to these classes. My father always told me, "You will go because you are a girl. I am raising a young lady not another boy."
Copyright © Ashley Gonzalez | Year Posted 2016
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