Details |
Ellie Oslin Poem
Being smacked down
Before being allowed to get back up again
Taught me something very valuable about love:
it isn’t always a cliché
Starting at age five you began to tell me I wasn’t good enough
For anything or anyone
not even you
I tried so hard to prove to you that I was
Good
Enough
But every time you just shut me down
You told me you were ashamed to call me your daughter
You told me without dad forcing himself on you
I wouldn’t even be here
But these were lies
All of them
Weren’t they?
A way for you
to feed the monster inside
A demon that hibernated
In your heart
Just waiting for its chance
To roar its mighty roar
And slash its mighty slash
Harming all those who attempted to protect its prey
Chloe
Dad
Me
And you
You who had been trapped
In the cutch of its hand
Being played like a fiddle
For years
You who
Helplessly
Unwillingly
Watching it hurt everybody you loved
And everybody who once loved you
Rotting your heart from the inside out
But Mom
There was a cure
There was a way for you to exterminate
This monster
Did you know?
Ha
Right
Of course you knew
Silly me
To think that my own mom
Would choose me
Over alcohol
Choose me
Over driving safer
So I wouldn’t die
In the back seat of the car
Choose me
Over that urge to inflict pain
Choose me
Over yelling
“I am trying Ellie!”
then later taking
one, two, three sips of the devils juice
in the bathroom
Choose me
Over the rush you got
With that scream
That shook my body
Choose me
Over that face you made
Every single time I ate
Never understanding
How
Much
it
hurt
Choose Me
Over making that bed
In that one room
A place where tears constantly fell
Choose Me
Over changing hide and go seek
To just hide
Choose Me
Over the monster
That was killing you
And choose me
Over the Sunday afternoon
When you fell and you never got back up
I never knew how much comfort somebody could find
In the feeling of pain
Of fear
Of self hate
Until I saw the dead body of my childhood laying right there
right in front of me
A casualty
To the monster
Your goal wasn’t to inflict pain
Or bring any harm to those you loved
You didn’t want to hurt me
You didn’t want to hurt anybody
But you did
You did
Copyright © Ellie Oslin | Year Posted 2015
|
Details |
Ellie Oslin Poem
My struggle
My panic
Was just amusement to you
What was happening didn't matter
The water wasn't filling your lungs
Wasn't making your chest beat like a drum
Counting down the seconds
Before your chest collapsed
Before your last thought
Left
Your mind
No
It was my lungs
My chest
My thought
My mind
The very mind that once trusted you
That once called you best friend
That once was manipulated into believing it was loved
By you
The most painful part
When you were drowning
I reached out my hand
to help you
And you pulled me in
You used my body
as a ladder
You were never struggling
It was an act
A trick
As soon as you could
You called out to my demons
And they gladly came
Screaming for mercy
They pulled at my ankles
My thighs
My torso
My last thought explored the feeling of pain
Pain leaking into my heart
Killing me before the water could
Standing above
You watched me drown
Copyright © Ellie Oslin | Year Posted 2015
|
Details |
Ellie Oslin Poem
I am from the midnight sunset
dreamt on by angels
From a cut in half oak tree
residing on a corner
I am from the machine made earthquake
that rocks the beds
and frightens the children inside their heads
I am from a dance in the rain
in the middle of the road
to a walk in the park
when the sun is shown
I am from the rush
of a thousand eyes
with no hesitation
From an argument
that has already been won
but not ended
I am from a strong point of view
that holds a voice
with a need to be noticed
and not thrown aside by choice
I am from the art of expression
through hand written
and typed word
I am from long letters
both heartfelt and meaningful
sometimes surprising
the ones that seem to be absurd
I am from tears on my keyboard
typing what was impossible to say
as a God wasn't there to hear me pray
I am from lyrics
that not only change
but saved
I am from turning off the lights
turning up the volume
and disappearing
I am from feeling understood
without being known
and being accepted
without being told
I am from insecurities
that just won't go away
From keeping a straight face
so no one can see the pain
I am from big arms
and a fat face
while looking at girls that don't show a trace
I am from looking at mirrors and beginning to cry
because I can't stop the hate
that goes through my mind
I am from a childhood filled with harm
with words and actions
that will never leave my brain's arms
I am from that mom everybody though was great
because they didn't see her yell without restraint
I am from confusion of love and hate
because nobody was there to tell me how to differentiate
I am from the non-existent blood on my hands
as she always told me it was my fault
she was in reprimands
I am from the pain I feel everyday
because when the monster left
it took my mom away
Copyright © Ellie Oslin | Year Posted 2015
|