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Dead Body of a Childhood

Being smacked down
Before being allowed to get back up again
Taught me something very valuable about love:
 
it isn’t always a cliché
 
Starting at age five you began to tell me I wasn’t good enough
For anything or anyone
not even you
I tried so hard to prove to you that I was
Good
Enough
But every time you just shut me down
 
You told me you were ashamed to call me your daughter
You told me without dad forcing himself on you
I wouldn’t even be here
 
But these were lies
All of them
Weren’t they?
A way for you
to feed the monster inside
 
A demon that hibernated
In your heart
Just waiting for its chance
To roar its mighty roar
And slash its mighty slash
Harming all those who attempted to protect its prey
Chloe
Dad
Me
 
And you
You who had been trapped
In the cutch of its hand
Being played like a fiddle
For years
 
You who
Helplessly
Unwillingly
Watching it hurt everybody you loved
And everybody who once loved you
Rotting your heart from the inside out
 
But Mom
There was a cure
There was a way for you to exterminate
This monster
Did you know?
Ha
Right
Of course you knew
Silly me
To think that my own mom
Would choose me
Over alcohol
Choose me
Over driving safer
So I wouldn’t die
In the back seat of the car
Choose me
Over that urge to inflict pain
Choose me
Over yelling
“I am trying Ellie!”
then later taking
one, two, three sips of the devils juice
in the bathroom
Choose me
Over the rush you got
With that scream
That shook my body
Choose me
Over that face you made
Every single time I ate
Never understanding
How
Much
it
hurt
Choose Me
Over making that bed
In that one room
A place where tears constantly fell
Choose Me
Over changing hide and go seek
To just hide
Choose Me
Over the monster
That was killing you
And choose me
Over the Sunday afternoon
When you fell and you never got back up
 
I never knew how much comfort somebody could find
In the feeling of pain
Of fear
Of self hate
Until I saw the dead body of my childhood laying right there
right in front of me
A casualty
To the monster
 
Your goal wasn’t to inflict pain
Or bring any harm to those you loved
You didn’t want to hurt me
You didn’t want to hurt anybody
But you did
You did

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