Dead Body of a Childhood

Being smacked down Before being allowed to get back up again Taught me something very valuable about love: it isn’t always a cliché Starting at age five you began to tell me I wasn’t good enough For anything or anyone not even you I tried so hard to prove to you that I was Good Enough But every time you just shut me down You told me you were ashamed to call me your daughter You told me without dad forcing himself on you I wouldn’t even be here But these were lies All of them Weren’t they? A way for you to feed the monster inside A demon that hibernated In your heart Just waiting for its chance To roar its mighty roar And slash its mighty slash Harming all those who attempted to protect its prey Chloe Dad Me And you You who had been trapped In the cutch of its hand Being played like a fiddle For years You who Helplessly Unwillingly Watching it hurt everybody you loved And everybody who once loved you Rotting your heart from the inside out But Mom There was a cure There was a way for you to exterminate This monster Did you know? Ha Right Of course you knew Silly me To think that my own mom Would choose me Over alcohol Choose me Over driving safer So I wouldn’t die In the back seat of the car Choose me Over that urge to inflict pain Choose me Over yelling “I am trying Ellie!” then later taking one, two, three sips of the devils juice in the bathroom Choose me Over the rush you got With that scream That shook my body Choose me Over that face you made Every single time I ate Never understanding How Much it hurt Choose Me Over making that bed In that one room A place where tears constantly fell Choose Me Over changing hide and go seek To just hide Choose Me Over the monster That was killing you And choose me Over the Sunday afternoon When you fell and you never got back up I never knew how much comfort somebody could find In the feeling of pain Of fear Of self hate Until I saw the dead body of my childhood laying right there right in front of me A casualty To the monster Your goal wasn’t to inflict pain Or bring any harm to those you loved You didn’t want to hurt me You didn’t want to hurt anybody But you did You did