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Brian Stoaks Poem
“Lightning in My Panties”
As a young girl, I was hitting the stage of puberty and curiousness
With the tingling sensations in my private area whenever I saw someone attractive
Whether it was a boy or girl, I had to fight the feeling of wanting to explore
The overwhelming sensation can only be described as lightning in my panties
I began to wear tighter jeans so when I walked the rubbing would keep me excited
Although I never felt the explosion I’ve heard so much about I continued
Every day was an experiment as every day I had a permanent smile
Dear God thank you for the lightning in my panties that has me cheerful
One day as I was walking down the hall way I was stopped by my principal
She asked me to go to her office so we could talk about my constant smile
As we spoke she seemed concerned that maybe I was on drugs or something
I stood up, rubbed my legs together, smiled and said don’t worry it’s just the lightning in my panties
It had been a few days and I was still walking around with a smile on my face
My two crushes were standing next to each other talking about me as I approached them
One was a boy and the other a girl, so yes I liked them both yet they weren’t aware
When they hugged me at the same time it was like boom! Lightning in my panties
Copyright © Brian Stoaks | Year Posted 2015
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Brian Stoaks Poem
"Morning Sunrise"
She was only sixteen dreaming of a better tomorrow
Crushed by those around her like a can by a foot
Staring into the night sky she wonders where this road takes her now
Is she to sit as the cars pass her by or shall she walk towards the setting sun?
Afraid and alone with no one to talk to she fears her life will be so empty
She feels as if she is standing alone in a flooded river
She believes her life is nothing but the thorns left alone after the rose has died
Why she screams out, must no one see her when she's standing right in front of them?
What she doesn't realize is there is always someone standing by her side if even unseen
Holding her up when she falls down and wiping those endless tears away
Carrying her when she’s to weak to walk, and keeping her warm when she’s to cold
Can she see what's ahead of her? Will she ever notice the love she can see with eyes open wide?
Never feeling loved at all she refuses to feel emotions
Unable to believe in tomorrow when today is just a dying dream
Forgetting she's not the only one unable to believe in anything good
She just refuses to see the morning sun rise whose hands reach out for her all
Copyright © Brian Stoaks | Year Posted 2016
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Brian Stoaks Poem
“Children of the World”
Dancing with those around me in a bliss of lights and love
Singing to the words of the symphony of harmony
There is no true way to live your life when all the love you need surrounds you
No race, no color, no religion, and no age can barricade you from this love
Eat, sleep, rave, repeat! Words the world sings out loud shoulder to shoulder
Let thy feet dance in the glory of freedom and purity
Let thy voice be heard so all those peaceful can hear you
Let thy eyes stare into the beautiful world of loving colors and passionate people
Let not those who cannot understand our music keep us from sharing
Let not those who hate love descend upon our family and judge
Let not anyone with a heart feel they are not welcomed
The world is our dance floor and the people are our family
What is EDM? It’s high energy music that keeps your body moving
Its people believe in Love, peace, unity, and respect for all
We are a nation that covers the world with dancing feet and loving arms
We are the children of the world. We are the light. We are one united family.
Copyright © Brian Stoaks | Year Posted 2016
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Brian Stoaks Poem
“Triggers”
So, you are used to me writing poetry but today it’s more like my thoughts for others to read. I need to clear my head of these constant roller coaster emotions. Today was just one of those days I was smiling from ear to ear and then in a sudden instant a trigger happened that caused me to be somewhat depressive. I know what my triggers are but it’s not something I have ever shared with anyone nor will I. I know who reads my poetry and my writings and I don’t want to be judged by something I have no control over.
Triggers are just that. A thought or emotion can trigger a reaction in your brain that can cause many different emotions. Losing a loved one can cause sadness, grief, hurt, or in some cases depression. Gaining someone in your life after 26 years can trigger so many different emotions. Happiness, joy, etc. Sorry brain went flat as I was caught up in happiness. Laughing to myself as it’s hard to stump me.
So for me so many things can cause a trigger in me to cause me so many different thoughts, actions, feelings, and moods. Today so many triggers happened all within a span of just a few hours that set my world in an uncontrollable spin. This caused so anxiety and some serious depression.
I have a bad habit of over reacting and becoming defensive when there’s no need to. Been this way my entire life. Trying to get a handle of it has been nothing but a lost cause so I’ve just learned to deal with it. For you readers let me say it’s not HEALTHY! Over reactions can cause fights, death, lies, bad decisions, among a few things that can occur.
How do you fight off over reacting? Well I was taught to think. Think before speaking or showing an action. Assume the worst in every decision you make. Wow I wish I could live by that. I am an extremely honest person and some times that can cause a reaction from those you’re honest with. Sometimes my honesty can cause the loss of a great friend or even a spouse. Lying is never the better alternative.
Back to triggers. So right now I am lost by my own triggers. Someone special came back into my life after 26 years. I have been like a child the past 3 days smiling from ear to ear. Waiting for my phone to ding from an email or ring from a phone call. At one point in my day I became extremely depressed and the happiness went away. I thought to myself what triggered it? Then I figured it out and felt as stupid as could be, what is it? What’s your trigger Brian. Laughing while repeating it’s my trigger get your own laughing.
So, through my life this trigger has happened a lot. In my past this trigger would cause a suicide attempt. First time I was 16 years old. I took bottle of Advil and went to bed, Woke up feeling old and walked very slow.
When I was 19 I snorted comet and drank cleaning fluids thinking it would kill me. Man, same trigger.
When I was 31 I took a bunch of prescribed medication given to me by someone else to help me sleep. I fought hard that night just to go to sleep and I still woke up. Again, feeling old and walking slow. Same trigger.
When I was 37 I took 72 Tylenol PMS but didn’t drink the fifth of Vodka I had bought to make sure I finally ended a miserable life. I was saved by someone I was trying to escape from. Again, same trigger.
Why do I tell you these personal things about my life? Because depression is caused by triggers. You just have to beat the triggers and learn how to deal with them. I now write every time I have a trigger. It’s not always a depressive trigger that causes me to write. But today was a trigger none the less as to why I am writing about them.
So if you are depressive like myself please figure out what your trigger is. You can beat your trigger. It’s not easy believe me, but you can beat your triggers. It’s just hard some times for life would be easier for me if at least one trigger would finally end all triggers and was allowed to live eternally in the arms of God. But as long as I am here on Earth I have those who love me and depend on me to be stronger then any trigger. I am a dad, a brother, an uncle, a friend, a grandfather, and most of all Gods child meant to live out His purpose. What ever that is. Laughing.
May His angels watch over you as you sleep, as you wake, and as you live every second of your life. There’s a star above your head. Reach up and grab it. Make a wish, say a prayer, and may all these things come true. I love you. God loves you, we should all love each other. Good night, God bless you, and sweet dreams.
Copyright © Brian Stoaks | Year Posted 2016
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Brian Stoaks Poem
“Thoughts of Purity”
Hanging by a thread; feet dangling like clothes flapping in the summer breeze
Look upon the little things below me ; everything is so tiny when you’re so high
Believing that being above all souls will bring me the peace I long to have
When it comes to Stephen there is no right or wrong; for all is lost with open eyes
Desiring to be the man I set goals to be, failing like the wings of a baby bird learning how to fly
Is life really worth your owns words being misconstrued into what they really want to hear
Is it the failure in others that drives their insecurity to be boasted by worse failures then their own?
Stephen is just a name used to describe the failures of his lost soul floating in the vastness of space
The highest peak on earth cannot describe the level of pain that depressed hearts endure
For the pain of the depressed isn’t a come and go type of feeling but never ending
Seek and you shall find lonely minds scattered like puzzle pieces laid freshly upon a table
It’s not just Stephen alone in the spectacle of life, for broken minds stay silent unnoticed in pictures
In mountain streams the dreams of normalcy floats away like paper airplanes thrown into the wind
Always searching for a hand to grasp to lift a lost soul to stand upon the solid ground
Never finding the ears to understand that life’s treasures fall into the hands already rich in comfort
Stephen is no longer reaching for steady arms but forgiveness of suicidal thoughts that break his thoughts of purity
Copyright © Brian Stoaks | Year Posted 2016
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Brian Stoaks Poem
“Pull the Trigger”
Waking up from dreams that seemed like reality
Tormenting my brain with thoughts of trigger actions
Fantasy land is a place for laughter and peaceful serenity
Reality has no happiness for painful reminders shake me with open eyes
Fields of wild flowers consume my peaceful dreams
Birds singing of love while the winds softly whisper
Leaves cascading through the air I breathe allowing myself to smile
I wish I could stay in the world where my mind is at peace with my soul
The darkness surrounding my inner self won’t allow my conscience to rest
Every day the struggle to survive one more day to breathe, to laugh, to love
Running to escape the quicksand beneath my feet so that I may find solid ground
Trying to save this pathetic smile so that one day it might be visible by the eyes staring at me
Windmills turn with the wind like my imagination conjures up ways to escape
Always considering my options of how my life can turn to dust
So tired of being the one on the outside looking through the window of suicide
Let this sacred heart be free to float away as I pull the trigger ending this consuming sickness
Copyright © Brian Stoaks | Year Posted 2016
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Brian Stoaks Poem
Tuesday morning
October 20, 2015
10:26 a.m.
Kansas City, Mo
Stephen Becker pen name Brian Stoaks
“Sweet Honey”
I awoke this morning to the warmness of your breath on my neck
Smiling I dared not move afraid to wake you and cause this feeling to end
I laid there thinking about the happiness your presence has brought to me
You softly begin to kiss my neck bringing me out of my thoughts
Having you in my arms is what makes my world shine with starry nights
I whisper good morning as you continue kissing my neck softly
Unwilling to stop your loving motions I stroke your back gently
No longer soft I begin to harden with every kiss and nibble upon my skin
I can feel your hand travel to grasp my hardness as if afraid it will run away
Your kisses become more as you move towards the object of destination
No longer able to hold a moan I arch my hips upwards with each stroke
Your lips, and your tongue, have engulfed me completely causing my eyes to close
Feeling empty I turn your body around so that I too may enjoy your body
Softly I kiss your thighs teasingly before parting the lips before me
I flick my tongue upon your love button causing you to moan around my tool
Instantly your sweet honey escapes your lips filling my mouth with sweetness
Copyright © Brian Stoaks | Year Posted 2015
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Brian Stoaks Poem
“Sunset”
The silhouette of beauty passes by my aching head
Eyes strain to keep it within my vision but lose it in the darkness
My fingers try to grasp the ghostly image but to no avail
I am left standing in the circle of nothingness alone and afraid
Bewildered by the thoughts of never loving another soul as my heart still beats
Afraid this seclusion I’m tucked away in is as permanent as the sun
Freighted by the voices bouncing around inside these walls that laugh at my despair
Falling to my knees I cover my eyes while cradling my heart to keep it beating within me
Without love my despairing soul aches daily for the touch from gentle hands
My ears ache to hear the wonderful words every lonely person wants to hear
With empty hands I long to reach out and find the softness of her skin
Not wanting to die alone I pray for the sweetness of the feeling of loving and being loved
As seasons change my heart beats faster like the pitter patter of toddler’s feet running
With Fall approaching my ache to be loved gets stronger every day
September is looming as is another year older in this ageless heart and soul
Let not the love I long for pass me by but grab my hand and walk beside me into the sunset
Copyright © Brian Stoaks | Year Posted 2016
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Brian Stoaks Poem
Saturday evening
6:37 p.m.
October 22, 2016
Kansas City, Mo
Stephen Becker pen name Brian Stoaks
“Warmth of the Fire”
The wonder of happiness is thought provoking to say the least
To be happy with myself is harder than some can really imagine
As life moves forward and the simple things in life seem to change daily
I smile knowing tomorrow is a new day with brighter smiles and softer hearts
Building a future of stone, sticks, soil, and fire to keep my thoughts warm
So many nights in the Fall can bring coldness and the feeling of being alone
Thoughts escaping into words to be heard out loud meant to stay silent
What is making sense is only the night when all words stop and the mind rests
Silently I try to form words into sentences that allow myself to understand
So confused with the fact that my hands built the pit to be enjoyed with another
Frustrated by the emptiness beside me where many have been invited
Consoled by my own thoughts as I comfort my empty heart with warm flames
Distraction of a great week with so many wonderful things become reality
Knowing one day I will no longer be alone wishing to be held by someone who loves me
For as the days pass and my life moves forward I will sit here wrapped in the arms of God
With the warmth of the fire I no longer need you to make me whole for I am already whole without you
Copyright © Brian Stoaks | Year Posted 2016
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Brian Stoaks Poem
“Fight for Flight”
Stuck in the shell unable to break out to see the sunshine warming the air I breathe
Struggling to smell the flowers planted in the garden for the neighbors to see
This darkness is so undeserving like the innocent killed by cowards
Trying to break free so the numbness I feel will melt into a feeling of life
Sacred thoughts of striving to see the world around me leaves my conscience lost
Accepting my failures as an individual has created a space between reality and fantasy
Living in a world with a desolate soul leaves the heart as empty as the room I lay in
The emptiness is over powering like the silence is so deafening
Living a life secluded from real life people has my mind asking if I’m really alive
Dreaming of those long gone leaves the salty tears slowly trickling towards downwards
So many feelings of lost days make it hard to smile even on the best days
Breathe Stephen is all I can say to keep my chest moving to prove I am life
I reach out my hands to grasp the side rails to pull myself to safely stand
Again I try yet the despicable me has found empty air instead of solid objects
Believing I am the failure looked upon by others as an untreatable cancer
I give up the fight for flight and allow my body to collapse in a heap upon the ground
Copyright © Brian Stoaks | Year Posted 2016
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