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Owen Haldon Poem
The stars reached back
Each night
When I prayed that I would wake up and the pain would be over
And that everything everyone had ever said to me
And every name they had ever called me
Was all a bad dream
The worst, shittiest nightmare of a dream
That never ended
No matter how many times I fell asleep
Because sleep was my escape
But escapes don’t last forever
And dreams don’t last forever
But nightmares can last forever
But, no matter what, I can’t help you
You miserable excuse for a friend
You ruined what I was
You hardened the face that once smiled
The face that used to light up a room
Had been hardened to stone by a society
That believed that “gay” was synonymous with “weird”
And that “bully” was synonymous with “joke”
But the fact is you were the joke
The joke that kept replaying in my head
And laughing at me
Even after the jokes had stopped the joke kept going
The joke was me; I was a joke to everyone, even myself
And my dad would joke that I should man up
And my mom would joke that the other kids were insecure
And my brother would joke that he made it through
And everyone else would joke that “boys will be boys”
But I didn't see the joke in any of it
There was no joke in my tears
And there was no joke in the forty pounds I lost when I stopped eating
You just can’t get enough of the pain
But your pain doesn’t have to be my pain
So, so what if boys aren’t supposed to cut themselves?
And so what if boys aren’t supposed to cry?
And so what if boys aren’t supposed to be the ones who become anorexic?
I’m a boy and I did it all
And what can you say about yourself?
You’re a sad excuse for a boy
So put away the guns and fists
And pick up a pen and a paper
And figure yourself out
Before you tear someone else down to their foundation
And let the rain ruin their ability to stand themselves
And I think
That the healing came
When I realized that someday you would be on the bottom
And someone would tear you down
And you would sit there as the rain poured in
And you would drown in your regret
And I would still send out a life jacket for you
Because you ruined the outside smile
But you didn’t ruin the inside faith
And the faith got me through
Because tomorrow is brighter
And the sunshine does come after the rain
Copyright © Owen Haldon | Year Posted 2014
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Owen Haldon Poem
Words I use to describe my father:
Tall.
Strong.
Athletic.
Bald.
Kind of scary.
Usually has a drink in his hand.
Hasn’t talked to me in three years.
And his catch phrase?
“Be a man.”
Be that’s something he wouldn’t know the first thing about.
“Being a man”
How did my father define that one?
To him, it seemed to be drinking his weight in alcohol every night and yelling at my mother.
But beyond that, he always taught me that being a man meant having no feelings.
If I cried? Forget it.
If I tried to have an emotional conversation? Forget it.
And my mom usually sat idly by
As this “man” that she married
Turned her smiling son into a shell
Who shut everyone else out.
I know he hit my mom.
I would see the bruises in the mornings before she could cover them up with makeup.
I wanted to hit him.
To put him in my mother’s position.
To make him feel as lost and helpless as she did for all of those years.
Then maybe he would actually understand what strength is.
Relationships? He never talked about them.
My dad always taught me that I could only ever love a girl.
But whenever I tried to open up about my feelings, he would shut me out.
So I never told him that I had been madly in love with a boy.
And I never told anyone about the first time that we kissed.
Because I thought that being in love with a boy meant that I wasn’t a “man.”
So I began to tell myself to “man up,”
Because that’s what dad always said to do.
But I’ve grown up a lot.
I may look pretty much the same
And he might look pretty much the same
But one of us has grown up
Become stronger, better, independent.
And the other is still drinking every night
Despite being divorced and on the verge of unemployment.
Words I now use to describe my father:
Absent.
Un-accepting.
Weak.
Drunk.
And about as far from “being a man” as anyone could ever be.
Copyright © Owen Haldon | Year Posted 2015
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