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Lexy Goodluck Poem
"Gosh, you're such a freak."
"Did you wake up that ugly?"
You say to me.
It has become a daily ritual that we partake in.
You say what comes to that cruel,
unsympathetic mind.
And I sit,
listening,
telling myself I'll be home soon.
Just a few more hours.
Not the rest of my life.
"Must be hard to look in the mirror. Is it cracked by now? You're a monster."
You laugh.
I slide further into my desk,
waiting for you to leave, as you usually do.
I never look up,
too afraid to make eye contact.
That'd be too personal.
Yet you always find a way to get eye level with me so I can see the anger in your eyes;
masked is hurt, maybe,
pain from your own life as if belittling me helps any.
"Tomorrow. Same time as usual. Don't get any more beautiful on me."
You say, clearly kidding.
You finally walk away.
I exhale out,
letting the air I've been holding in escape.
I sigh and get up to leave.
Whatever I'm feeling I push down inside,
just like any other day.
I can't break.
Not now, not here.
I go home and head to my room.
Once there, I can feel.
Fear and frustration, cross my mind first.
Anger and agony, follow.
Sorrow and sadness, next.
Then come the tears.
Warm as they may be, they do nothing to warm my heart.
The words of the day always find a way to my memory.
Ugly,
freak,
monster.
Today was a mild day,
most are worst.
The tears continue for an hour,
tissues fill my bed.
Then they stop and I go on about my night,
always anticipating tomorrow.
The next day is the same.
Different day, similar names.
Hideous,
midget,
elf.
I try to feel nothing, but today I feel bitter.
Years of torment have changed me.
Allowed me to remain quiet inside until I want to feel.
At the end of of the day,
as we normally would part ways you ask,
"Why don't you just kill yourself?"
For once I look up,
"But I'm already dead."
Copyright © Lexy Goodluck | Year Posted 2014
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Lexy Goodluck Poem
It's not suicide,
it's falling.
Falling hopelessly,
helplessly into that dark place.
The one you've covered up for so long.
The one that is hidden behind your smiles and laughs and rehearsed joy.
For so long you've waited,
everyday only getting closer and closer to the edge.
You cut and bleed, hurting yourself because somehow,
someway it helps with the pain.
When things are good, they're bad.
When things are bad, they're horrible.
The pain of day to day life can be only so tolerated.
'Till that day when the cutting,
poking,
prodding,
and bleeding doesn't help anymore.
And you finally fall.
You slip so effortlessly into that dark hole,
where there's no room for light.
Nothing but the final escape from that bitter pain.
Freedom.
As it gets darker and darker, you can see the light.
Not a light of something better, but a light that it's all over.
It's like a continuous rabbit hole,
never ending.
Until you hit the bottom and you're gone.
It's not suicide,
it's falling.
Copyright © Lexy Goodluck | Year Posted 2014
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Lexy Goodluck Poem
Our love bloomed in an overnight storm.
Months of good times,
days of happiness filled our hearts as we intertwined.
We talked everyday and our relationship grew.
We had it all and it was all we knew.
Glances at first, staring contests next.
I could look at you and see the future.
Us together,
was the part I loved best.
I could dream of your face so perfect and calm.
The feel of your soft palm.
Your eyes so warm and inviting.
I never would have imagined us fighting.
Spit was flying, words of curse louder than thunder.
You never hit me, but your words were enough to send me spinning and make me dizzy.
Sometimes we ignored each other just to keep in check.
Or else all hell would break out and our demons let loose.
Sometimes we could sit and stare at each other for hours on end,
trying to find the piece of the puzzle that wasn’t bent.
Searching and searching,
without escape.
We wished that we could simply just break.
Our souls slowly slipping away.
Our spirits shot down.
Your love was really my crown.
I remember us laughing and having lots of fun,
But not anymore, for we are really just done.
I now cry with the pain of your absence.
Our love was all I understood and no matter what I do,
I can’t stop thinking of you.
But what is it I can really say?
I miss you more and more everyday.
They say pain heals with time.
For me it’s pain engulfs the brain.
You were my love, my wings of life.
Now your the past ruins of a perfect time.
Everything we had, which was it all.
Days full of desired memories.
Hours of destined perfection.
Minutes of love, without rejection.
And now it’s gone.
Copyright © Lexy Goodluck | Year Posted 2014
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Lexy Goodluck Poem
If I love you,
then you are apart of my family.
If I care for you and think of you daily,
you are apart of my life.
It doesn't matter if you are a friend,
a boyfriend,
a coworker
if I love you then you are my family.
I will never understand the need to distinguish between the two.
Yes, love comes in many forms.
Sibling love.
Parental love.
Love of a friend.
Love of a soul mate.
But truly, love is love.
If I love you then there's not a line that divides my love of my family and my love of anyone else.
I will never understand the need to distinguish between the two.
*Not my best work, but I needed to get this out before I exploded.*
Copyright © Lexy Goodluck | Year Posted 2016
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Lexy Goodluck Poem
Who has the ability to make me catch my breath,
Increase my steady heartbeat,
Send a wave of warmth deep into my core.
The answer is simple, you can.
I’ve always had these strong steel walls built around my heart.
A strong shield that no one has ever been able to break.
Many have tried, as many will, but I held fast, I stood strong, forever afraid of getting hurt.
Yet somehow you've managed to melt the metal wall, somehow you were able to break through.
Everyday more and more of that wall deteriorates,
Falls into a deep abyss of what could be.
I find myself more open with you.
I can express myself, share the depth of my feelings for you.
I find myself more secure, not only in what we have and your feelings for me, but also in myself.
I’ve never felt so good about who I am before.
You bring out the best in me.
With you, I endlessly want to be a better person.
A person who feels worthy of you.
I don’t feel like I’ve done enough good to have you in my life.
It truly is the greatest gift to know you even remotely care about me.
I can’t even describe the affect you have on me.
Oh, how your laugh sends chills up my spine?
I don’t know what it is, but its the best laugh of anyone I know.
I absolutely love it when you look at me.
Those pretty green eyes, man, at these moments life is incredible.
And the very few, short moments that you've touched me; playfully punching my arm
or crossing my fingers to prove a point.
Some of the best moments of my life.
If I think of you while eating, I immediately lose my appetite.
If I think of you at all, a huge smile finds its way onto my face.
I think of you all day and clear into the night.
I sometimes dream of you, ridiculous pointless dreams, but dreams no less.
You have such a hold on me that I know without you somewhere in my messy, crazy life, I would have no life at all.
My friends make fun of me, say things about how I act, but they don’t understand how it feels to see you or just to be near you.
They don’t understand at all.
How can anyone feel so strongly about someone?
How can my life feel so complete with you or incomplete when you’re gone?
There’s such a thing called love,
Such a thing so beautiful and pure its God’s only way of life for us.
A way to better ourselves.
Some might say what I’m feeling isn’t love itself, but why does it feel so much like it?
Why does it feel so real?
Better yet, why does it feel so perfect?
Not a tint of poisonous toxins within.
So I ask, could it be love?
Copyright © Lexy Goodluck | Year Posted 2014
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Lexy Goodluck Poem
I'm searching,
I'm hunting,
I'm desperately seeking that part of me that's still missing.
This chunk,
this piece,
this remnant of my soul is all I need to truly be whole.
What it is,
I cannot say.
What it is,
I do not fully know.
Like with all emotions,
these simple pains,
it grows stronger day by day.
This portion of myself has been missing for many years it seems.
Could it be
a smile,
a laugh,
a joyful tear.
Or rather,
a friend,
a foe,
a place to call home.
This missing puzzle piece is large enough to cause the mind to simply sit and stare.
Unaware.
Detached.
Remote.
Not whole.
This piece of my soul has me searching high and low.
This piece of myself has me all alone.
Copyright © Lexy Goodluck | Year Posted 2014
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Lexy Goodluck Poem
Everyday you tell me how much you need me,
how much you love me, and yet somehow,
you still manage to leave me scared and broken.
Your voice is sometimes what I fall asleep to at night.
The sweet serenity of it is warming to my heart.
"You're the most perfect person for me."
"You're so beautiful."
Both comments I strive for,
but usually you're words break my heart and crush my soul.
Your touch is sometimes what I carve.
So soft, so gentle, so sensual, so pleasant.
When you put your hands on my neck,
when you rub my legs,
even when you caress my cheek.
I get chills and want more.
But most of the time you hit me and leave bruises present in visible places.
Your kisses I desire every minute of everyday.
The way your lips feel against mine,
tender and sincere.
The way they could make me feel so loved.
Even though sometimes your kisses are too rough and painful.
I wonder how our love can even be called just that.
I hate you most days and when I don't hate you,
I wonder when you'll snap.
If love was supposed to feel like this,
no one would ever try.
And that's what I do.
I try.
I try all the time to forgive the things you've done to me.
To forget every time you called me horrible names,
To forgive every time you smacked me and made me bleed or bruise,
I try to forget the times you told me how worthless I was and how no one could ever love me.
I don't understand what I did to deserve this torture.
All I've ever done is love you, desire you, care for you.
Every time you hurt me, I forgot about it and forgave you.
I forgave you because of the way I truly love you.
I love you like the stars light the night sky, bright and never wavering.
I love you a million times the temperature of the sun.
The love I have for you is forever and ever more.
I would love you through anything.
Even the abusive I put up with for you.
I'm always disregarding the extremities you throw at me.
But if you love, as you say you do?
Why?
Why do you treat me so?
Why do you agonize me?
Why don't you always show that love?
Why do you scream at me?
Why do you curse at me?
Because you love me, right?
I don't want to be sick all the time.
Broken hearted and in anguish.
Worried and fearful.
Happy and sad.
But most of all, I don't want to be in love and in hate.
So forgive me for leaving you,
for packing my things,
my memories,
the ones I want to remember.
My good days, very few.
My soul, hardly in tact.
And my heart, in pieces.
I will always love you, but I'm done being scared and broken.
Copyright © Lexy Goodluck | Year Posted 2014
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Lexy Goodluck Poem
Sometimes I just feel so alone.
Late at night, I lay in bed and think.
I'm not sure what I think about.
My brain never focuses on one thing, but it's always running off on something.
I cannot quite describe what it is I feel at these times. Lost, maybe. Alone, for sure. Indifferent....sad.....quiet.....unreachable.....hopeless....close to tears.
You know those times you feel something so deep, it keeps you awake and it seems no amount of tears could make the pain go away.
So you just lay and stare.
Sometimes I want to move from where I am.
On the floor or in the living room, maybe even in the bathtub as if moving will make something change within you. It's a strange type of feeling.
A silent one.
It's not one that is always seen, but it's presence is always felt.
I can be the happiest of people, but get in the right moment, leave me alone for just a second and I'm gone. Fallen into the hole of which is my pain.
I smile all the time, act as if it's not with me, but it's like a cancer. It never leaves.
Find a cure and you feel better, but the thing that always caused you to weep remains.
I sit and stare, zoning out on random objects which my eyes fixate on.
So far gone, I can't fix myself anymore.
That's what I've always done, fix myself.
Fix the pain that sits within, reaching out only when I'm alone and it can get a grip.
Won't someone, anyone find me?
I'm sitting here waiting for you to discover that I'm not the beautiful, happy girl I appear to be.
Can't you see it?
Can't you see the difference in my eyes?
Won't you reach down and pick me up?
Please, please.
I'm calling out to you.
Don't let me fall.
Don't let me fall.
Don't let me....don't let....don't....
Copyright © Lexy Goodluck | Year Posted 2014
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Lexy Goodluck Poem
Whenever I would think of my life without you,
I always thought I was strong enough to deal with it.
I would move on and forget that you ever were a huge part of me.
I would think of you and feel nothing, as if you never existed.
Instead, I wake up to find an empty bed.
Empty of life, empty of happiness, and mostly empty of love.
I find myself trying to discover you in everything.
I see your face in strangers on the street.
I hear your name all the time.
I see your picture everywhere.
I watch you walk, I watch you sing, I watch you dance and run through the park,
Yet it isn’t you.
I dream of you all night.
Perfect dreams of us together again,
Being happy, smiling, and sometimes kissing.
I can’t wait to fall asleep because it’s so much better than my reality with you gone.
If I open my eyes, I feel a sting in my heart.
A sharp, sharp pain like a knife just stabbing me in the chest.
I imagine your perfection, your smile, and laugh constantly.
When I walk anywhere, I sing your favorite song.
I can still see your eyes, the looks you used to give me.
They always lifted my heart, and brought me up to the clouds.
My life without you, its painful, lifeless.
Its death and sorrow.
Its misery and heartache.
Why I ever thought I could survive without you is beyond me.
You were my everything, without you, well life is meaningless.
Whats the point in living if the one thing you lived for is gone?
How did I let you go?
Let our love go?
Lose sight of the beauty we had already created?
I shall never know.
And now I’m paying the price.
I’m fading in my life without you.
Copyright © Lexy Goodluck | Year Posted 2014
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Lexy Goodluck Poem
As I look into those perfect green eyes,
I see everything I have ever wanted.
I see happiness, a life full of bliss.
I see trust to the highest degree,
I see commitment, dedication.
I see love, most of all I see love.
Oh, when I look into those green eyes,
I see a beautiful world.
One lost in time, not bound by evil or sorrow,
But love.
Pure, glorious, magnificent love.
Sometimes I lose myself deep in thought about you.
Deep in thought about all the wonderful things that could be.
That could transpire.
If perfection was a person, it would be you,
It would be the way you make me feel,
It would be your laugh,
It would be your heart,
And it would be your eyes.
It would have those remarkable green eyes.
Why those eyes have such an appeal to me?
Maybe it’s because they belong to you,
Maybe it’s because I love green eyes,
Or maybe it’s simply because those green eyes always have some emotion in them.
Even if I don’t know what the emotion is, the possibilities endless,
I love the idea of the feeling being something marvelous, something beautiful.
You bring something to the table no one before you has.
I couldn't imagine a day of my life where I didn’t get to look into those green eyes.
Copyright © Lexy Goodluck | Year Posted 2014
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