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Best Poems Written by Jason Talbott

Below are the all-time best Jason Talbott poems as chosen by PoetrySoup members

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Momerick

There once was a lady named "Mom"
Who had a hard time keeping calm.
But she knows how to sew
And garden and mow
And she's a farmer on facebook.com

She's a grandma to Mel and Harmony
She's a young wife for "Gramps" who's 70! 
She calms the waters
Of her four lovely daughters
And best of all she puts up with me.

Details | Jason Talbott Poem

Star Wars Limericks

I write Star Wars limericks with aplomb.
'Cuz Star Wars is simply the bomb!
But they don't appear
On this nice website here,
They're at Starwarslimericks dot blogspot dot com!

No special effects there, I'm sorry.
A few pictures but nothing too gory.
I start at the beginning
And I keep on spinning
Retelling the whole Star Wars story!

Details | Jason Talbott Poem

Toothache

When your tooth aches, life just is no good.
There's some aches that can't be withstood.
Stubbed toes I can handle
They don't hold a candle
To the pain that doth test my manhood.

The unmistakable look on my face
Like I swallowed the whole can of mace
And I can't be for certain
Exactly which tooth is hurtin'
Please pull them ALL out, just in case.

Dental hygiene is good and deserves
All the praise for the teeth it preserves.
But when it starts to slip,
Pass the Polident Dentu-Grip.
The great thing about dentures...no nerves!

Details | Jason Talbott Poem

Deadliest Catch

Grandpa was a jolly old winker.
And I was a nine year old stinker.
He was a fish getter
But I did him one better...
I caught Grandpa... hook, line, and sinker!

Details | Jason Talbott Poem

Pogonophobia

Fuzzily Wuzzily
Benjamin Gib-a-ney
Grew him a beard which was 
Coming in fine.

Then he found out he had 
Pogonophobia.
He can shave his, but he'd
Best not touch mine.

Details | Jason Talbott Poem

Math Quiz

In arithmetic, he wasn't strong.
This math quiz was taking so long.
It was hard to divide.
Still, he tried till he cried,
but the answers kept coming out wrong.

He would solve and immediately doubt
if he'd taken the most proper route.
He'd retry, but alas,
by the end of the class,
his eraser was simply worn out.

The bell rang. The quiz was now due,
but his sheet was a sad sight to view.
There was nothing but air
in assorted spots where
the eraser wore all the way through. 

The tests were collected and sent
to the teacher for grading. She went
through each page in the stack
and then handed them back.
He saw his grade: ninety percent!

He pondered his luck with a frown...
To the head of the class from class clown?
Was he smart? Well not quite,
every one he got right
had shown through from the next paper down!

Details | Jason Talbott Poem

A New Monster In Loch Ness

I saw the huge beast from the dock.
The scene evoked bowel loosening shock.
Run and hide, Nessie!
It's about to get messy.
Rosie O'Donnell* is swimming in the Loch.

(*or insert your "favorite" celebrity name here)

Details | Jason Talbott Poem

A Remarkable Occurrence In An Unknown Location - See Poem For Full Title

A Remarkable Occurrence in an Unknown Location Witnessed by a Handful of Beings 
Who Most People Say Don't Exist

There's a place that no human has seen
In the depths of a forest, pristine.
In a range called "Cascades,"
A great shyness pervades
In the lair of the Sasquatches' queen.

An event will be soon taking place
Of import to the whole Sasquatch race.
In a dimly lit cave,
Mrs. Squatch, being brave,
Has a look of concern on her face.

All six Sasquatches came here to meet,
And behold the new face they will greet.
Finally, it begins.
The queen gives birth to twins.
In existance are now eight Bigfeet!

Details | Jason Talbott Poem

Veggie Tray

My veggie tray's selection was unique.
'Twas still offered to a jittery sheikh
Who hopped from foot to foot,
Ignoring the ginger root,
Took an onion, saying, "Gotta take a leek!"

He ran off to the loo speedily.
Later on, he returned back to me.
Assessed my tray and proceeded
To eat a pod that was seeded.
I asked him, "Tell me sir, how was your pea?"

We laughed, and guffawed, and made a fuss
At the playful double entendre between us.
He said with a wink,
"I'd hate to think
What you'd say if I had the asparagus!"

Details | Jason Talbott Poem

A Limerick Composed In My Head While In the Head

I wear an ID badge for my group.
It dangles down from my belt loop.
I have anonymity
When I stand up to pee
But it gives me away when I poop.